too much emotional distance in relationship

[Megansocks]

Has anyone been through this? Been together for 10 months, he says he doesn't like 'to be smothered' too much even though I have never been told I am smothering and was really happily single before me and him. I feel like I am kept at a miles length whilst he has quite a few very close female friends to confide in about work and emotions. I barely hear from him in between seeing each other in person. If I say I don't feel very close to you it will be okay for a bit and then back to the same. I really love him but I am struggling with feeling a bit insecure now.

Reading that back I don't even know what my question is sorry! I suppose how do you keep a connection going with someone that hold you at arms length! Or do I just take the hint.

I really do think it's a symptom of life being so very different now. There seems to be a fair few threads being started with similar situations. Not having the usual work/friends/ relationship/ hobbies balances are leading to people becoming overwhelmed by the things that have now become the norm.

Yeah that's true groovinpeanut I'm just worried that he says that this issue has ended all of his relationships.

Do you think he might have an avoidant personality type ? Do you know about the dynamics of anxious / avoidant attachment types ? If not it will help to read up on it . Only you know what you can cope with but it will helps massively to understand the psychology behind it .

Lots of red flags here.

Sounds like he's investing more emotionally into his friendships, rather than into you both as a couple. Relationship may have run it's course, and he's withdrawing. There should be emotional closeness even when you don't see each other.

Also the fact he's said he doesn't like being smothered, not that you are, makes me wary he might be training you to have low expectations of him.

I think I would end things with him

He has told you who he is already so you need to listen to this. He said this issue has ended previous relationships so the same will happen here too. He is just avoidant or likes very casual relationships. Nothing wrong with that as long as you are ok with being in an avoidant relationship. If not, you need to move on.

Sounds like he has from these friends certain important facets we would traditionally hope to provide ourselves as a DP. Sounds like he doesn't want to give them up. May be based on some abandonment issues, may be that he is inherently selfish and wants everything to remain as he has designed in his life and you would only fill his physical needs. You say you love him, so he must have some redeeming qualities that are not coming across in your posts! Have you told him you've him? Had he reciprocated? I ask as being told someone loves you when you might not feel the same yet, can feel a bit smothering.

Thanks for the posts, lots for me to look into and you are all right. Quite sad as he suggested counselling but I don't think it is going to happen.

Also kind of reassuring that you are all saying what I though too.

He said it first @flowersofaldershot

I guess there are clearly lots of men and women out there who operate in relationships in ways that a lot of us don't see as normal/as expected/what we're used to. Reading these threads over the last few weeks has been useful to me in realising this and maybe you will get the same enlightenment from here. Then you can decide whether this DP will work for you

Yeah true, I can see why he is the way he is and I'm not without my own issues so fair enough. You can see how these behaviours are created reading about attachment styles. It's definitely an eye opener.