Is this abuse?

[Jj2431]

my cousin has been in a relationship with a man for 2 years. They split up once because during an argument he said she had deserved to get raped by her ex partner. Somehow, he apologised and wormed his way back into her life but they still argue a lot. I've been telling her he sounds abusive so maybe you can help me convince her or tell me I'm completely off the mark.

• He quickly threw himself into being with her and said he loved her mega quick and started talking about marriage but then he just as easily flies off the handle for no reason.

• He tells her she has agreed to do something that she knows for a fact she hasn't. For example he says she has agreed to call him on a certain day and then didn't but she knows there was nothing said about a call being made.

• He blames her for pretty much all the arguments and takes little if any responsibility.

• He tells her she won't find someone else who loves her like he does and anyone else will be second best.

• then reverts back to begging and pleading and love bombing if she ignores him.

I want to say as well that his ex wife gained custody of the children he shares with her and disappeared a decade ago with the kids. He has been looking for the kids since then as he keeps saying it was an injustice but with his behaviour I can't help but feel there is a reason she took the kids and ran? He grew up Being abused himself so I'm also thinking he's someone who hasn't broken the cycle? Hit me with your thoughts ladies and gentlemen.

What you said. Given all the other red flags you raised, the fact that his wife has disappeared with the children and he is looking for them is either a lie ( that witch stole my babies and I'm desperately searching for them so I can pay more than my share and take care of them, how good a man am I but I am not actually doing anything or paying anything) or she ran for their own safety. It's all bad news.

Claire's Law?

@thethoughtfox never thought of that! I will remind her thank you

I think you're right but only she can decide to leave him. You've told her what you think but if you keep pushing, it will only serve to put a distance between you and her, and she might start concealing it from you. I would let her know you're concerned and you're there for her, but ultimately, the choice is hers, even if you can see it's a bad one.

• He quickly threw himself into being with her and said he loved her mega quick and started talking about marriage but then he just as easily flies off the handle for no reason. Lovebombing

• He tells her she has agreed to do something that she knows for a fact she hasn't. For example he says she has agreed to call him on a certain day and then didn't but she knows there was nothing said about a call being made. Gaslighting

• He blames her for pretty much all the arguments and takes little if any responsibility. DAVRO ie nothing is his fault, she is so argumentative, how can she be so unreasonable, she’s abusive etc, etc, etc

• He tells her she won't find someone else who loves her like he does and anyone else will be second best. Negging. Put someone down to make yourself feel better. It’s a really horrible thing to do, particularly to someone you’re meant to love

• then reverts back to begging and pleading and love bombing if she ignores him. Following the script! When your “victim” doesn’t react how you want them to then you either go ballistic to get them back in line or you start the pleading, the crying, the threatening suicide etc to get them back in line

She will probably end up with zero self-confidence, think she’s not good enough for anyone to love, squash herself down until it doesn’t exist to please him. He will destroy him. His comment about her ex-partner is abhorrent.

Do you think she’ll be open to hearing how bad things are? It can be so difficult to help someone who keeps you out in order to protect their reality. It can be really difficult to admit that you are in an abusive relationship.

There will be plenty of resources online that will help her understand how abuse works but try www.womensaid.org.uk, www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and Why Does He Do That

Yeah, it's emotional abuse definitely.

I would say there's a good chance he's physically and/or sexually abusive too, from things he's said and because as a "mum who fled with kids/evil bitch who stole a mans kids" I can tell you we don't do it for no reason. But that doesn't mean they always end up prosecuted.

Thanks so much for responding. I was hoping I was looking too much into it but now I know I'm not. I'll send her the links and mention clares law and tell her I'm there for her and let her decide xx

Has your cousin only got his word that his ex has "disappeared with the kids" and that he's been looking for them? This stood out to me as utter rubbish, sorry.

Definitely Claire's Law.

Even if it wasn't abuse (and it absolutely is), why would anyone want to spend time in a relationship that gives them this sort of grief?

He lies, manipulates and bullies her. Would she want to bring children into a relationship like this? He will not change. He will not get better. She can not fix him, no matter how much she might want to.

Sorry.

Yes, only his word. He does run a social media group for dads who have missing kids due to their ex but with his behaviour I think the ex probably had good reason. His kids are adults now and haven't contacted him :/
My cousin has 2 kids of her own which is concerning.

If you're ex leaves with your kids you can apply to the court to find them so that you can take the case to family court for child arrangements. It's called a search and find. If they do a search and find and there is a good reason for the ex not having contact with the kids then they will not tell the person making the application. This is to protect people who have fled due to domestic abuse/violence. There only has to be the mums word that he was abusive, ir doesn't have to go through court.

I am sure occasionally this system does get abused, as any system does. But the majority of the time woman who flee with their kids and don't want to be found do so because they are scared of that person. Either of abuse and violence in the relationship, of fear of the repercussions of leaving.

Seriously consider a Claire's law application. My ex was brutal and he didn't start off like that. I was with him for two years abused for one of them and had the most amazing child. It took two years of many court hearings to get him out of our lives for good. I occasionally wonder if now he is doing what he did to me to another victim. My first court hearing I found out all his crimes. It was horrific and I wasn't the first woman he treated like this!
In court a dads for justice idiot wound him up and made him even more violent in court, he ended up being arrested in the court because he went for me.

There is no smoke without fire.

Thank you! She has kicked him out and said she will go NC. I hope she sticks with it. I sent her this thread so thank you xx