Conversation diversion

[Afiver]

Every time I try to speak to DH about anything remotely important: finances, childcare, holiday plans he diverts the conversation.

It's actually come to a point where I'm avoiding having certain conversations with him that need to be had. The most recent example is me trying to discuss with him how we could entertain DCs over half term and fit in our DIY jobs too.

He usually answers with "I don't know" or "go for walks" and then briskly moves the conversation on to gossiping about other people.
I hate it.

I've told him that he does this and that I'm finding communication difficult with him, but he still does it. He seems to have no interest in adult life matters at all.

This makes all responsibility fall to me and I'm fed up of it.

Why is he doing this?

He thinks all those family issues eg, childcare, diy, finances, etc are boring, and more to the point, YOUR job to deal with. He knows you will sort it eventually. He sees you as his mother, and as a 'child', can't be bothered with them.

I think you're probably correct @forgotmycoat
I often feel like his mother.

I would stop doing anything that benefits just him, cooking or washing for him and proceed as though he isn't there. If you don't want to leave him, you can at least make life easier for yourself.

Oh and the fact that you've stopped having those conversations with him is exactly what he wants.

I would agree with pp. My recent ex would talk about most things fine... Unless it involved talking about us. He'd digress.. While telling me 'I'm not digressing' he'd say he was tired and end the conversation. He would tell me I was being unreasonable, irrational to my needs.. Either way he wouldn't discuss. Like you I stopped mentioning for a while and everything was fine.. Then on it went. I was still 'irrational' all that time down the line.. So I ended it and will find someone who isn't quite so stubborn.
Like other have said stop doing things for him see how he deals with it.

I often feel like his mother.

This makes my skin crawl. I could never be married to a useless manchild, and I don't understand how anyone can. The resentment and disgust must eat you alive.

It's so frustrating as he takes no interest in any of the admin, or nuts and bolts side of family life. I then write down my rough plans on the calender for myself more than anything, which he's played no part in making, but the minute I alter anything, he questions me straight away
"I thought you had planned X?"
"Why are you doing that when it's supposed to be done on Wednesday not Monday?"

I almost daren't write it down for fear of him catching me out.

He sounds like a 6 year old who can't handle plans changing. If he asks, tell him 'sometimes, plans change' and if he keeps questioning, ask why it bothers him if he never takes an interest in household or family admin.

He sounds utterly useless. What's worse is that you seem to be walking on eggshells around him so he doesn't pounce on you. I'd put a sign next to the family calendar, LIFE HAPPENS. SOMETIMES PLANS CHANGE.

I really hope you're not doing any wifework for him.

The only way to sort this is to step back refuse to deal with things anymore and mean it,You have to be prepared for a stand off though and for things to slip and i mean release control and let things really slip.Only when it is directly threatening his security will he get his arse in gear to act like the adult he should be.This will be uncomfortable for all of you but it should be done with a view to protecting yourself against shocks.Give him the admin to do.If he chooses not to do it then he deals with the consequences not you,So if he doesnt pay a bill on time when its due (and with this you could do a schedual of what needs paying when and how) then he deals with the wrath of companies,morgage lenders,etc.He has to feel uncomfortable and backed into a corner before he will ever do anything to change and it can be scary but he has to step up to protect his family.You have to let go of contol stop enableing him and grit your teeth even when you can see trouble on the horizen,Could you release control? As for the kids situation when they say what are we doing today pass the buck I dont know sweetheart go and ask daddy what we are doing,Do not let him off cos if you do you are enableing him.He knows he can rely on you and you will do it regardless of how little respect he gives you he knows good old you is a soft touch and will get on with it so for all the helplessness you feel he doesnt care enough..you make that possible.Take his power away.Respect yourself and make him do what he should be.He is only useless cos you have let him be so.Infact whist you are doing everything he is sat back rubbing his hands in satisfaction,knowing for all the moaning you will just do it all anyway ,,I dont think he cares if he is letting you down or his children and its tine to get angry,stick with it and make him step up. He is letting you down badly being totally disrespectful,not being a good dad or a good husband.After all what is your life about if not being a team? Only you can do this by saying no more and its not easy to do but you should chuck all the responsibility at him firmly iin his lap,He will either step up or rebel but he will have to do it if you dont.

That's awful and so disrespectful. People who refuse to discuss things like this by changing the subject are just rude - they might as well be sushing you with an invisible hand over your mouth.

He actually deals with much of the bills/finances. Although albeit, not very well. I just don't have the headspace to deal with that on top of everything else and going to work.

Yes it is like being shushed. I often get told it's not the right time to talk too (which is never).

He actually talks at me all the time about really trivial stuff, he talks much more than I do! It's always when the DCs are around and there's other things to be doing which adds to my frustration and then as soon as they're in bed he skulks off to the bath for an hour and always has something he wants to watch in the evenings! Always an excuse not to talk when there's actually time to do it!

Well, last night, out of the blue, he initiated a conversation with me that wasn't gossip about other people. He'd had a few beers, which would explain it.

I was sat on the sofa with my new Goal Planner (a treat to myself for valentines day) and he tells me he's concerned about this. That I'm always looking for the next thing in life and don't allow myself to just be happy.

I'm so taken aback by this. I make goals to make myself happy. I'm not even talking big goals here. Just goals to visit certain countries, to take the DCs to Florida one day. Save some money.

Goal setting and planning whether written down or not is surely a normal thing to do? For me, he's the one rejecting happiness. He can't even plan or think about our next holiday. He's miserable in his job but doesn't change it and he thinks we should all accept things as they are and just "be happy?!"

The way he was talking was so self assured, even bordering on patronising. He made me question myself for a short time.

How can a man so joyless preach to me about why I shouldn't set goals to make myself happier?

Taking kids to Florida is a pretty big goal, costing ££ and could be years in the planning. There's a lot of different stuff going on here. It kind of sounds like he's scared of failure. If you set a goal, you might not reach it. If he changes job he might still be unhappy. Maybe he knows what he really wants but it's unattainable. Either way I can't see anything changing unless you can get him to a have frank discussion.

My only goal around Florida is to do it within 10 years, plenty of time and opportunity to save which makes it attainable.

I don't understand why someone wouldn't plan for the future. I think fear of failure is huge for him.

@Forgotmycoat

Oh and the fact that you've stopped having those conversations with him is exactly what he wants.

This.

Sounds like he’s sucking any joy out of your life.
Is it possible that he’s not making plans with you because he doesn’t expect to be with you in the future ?

I don't plan that far into the future because life has taught me that things happen to blow your plans wildly off course. I mean, medium term 3/5 years ahead in mortgages, house moves etc yes but not really beyond that. However I don't really see it as 'failure' but just a different course. Does he feel like he is in control of his life or do you think he's a bit of a passive 'victim'.

Empathy from this end, it's utterly infuriating. With my DH it's conversations around "little" things, like our shortly-due second child's name, or where we're looking to live next as our house has recently gone on the market and he's dropped the bomb that he wants to move 150 miles away but then won't discuss it. The avoidant conversation that really grinds my gears though is when he intends to buy his family's Christmas and birthday presents (that conversation happens throughout the year, every year, as despite pleading reminders from me to sort it all he literally buys them nothing and they then comment on it afterwards. I find it horrifically embarrassing, but have also stepped into the role of buying all of his family presents for several years and became very resentful at the idea that I was just expected to do it). Everytime I try to start conversations of this ilk his response is "this isn't a good time to talk about it"... But then there never is! Not sure what to suggest but if I wasn't pregnant I'd be enjoying a therapeutic gin and tonic 🤦🏻‍♀️