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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I get back with ex partner?

27 replies

DancingDeb · 11/02/2021 22:43

I've nc'd for this as I'm embarrassed at what a tit I'm being at the moment....

I was with a lovely guy for two and a half years - he was very kind, caring, funny and 'the whole package' except I didn't quite feel enough of a 'click'/didn't fancy him enough...whatever you want to call it and I felt guilty as didn't want to string him along. I was also grieving my lovely mum who died half way into the relationship and I just found that incredibly difficult to cope with. Almost like I turned into someone who couldn't 'feel' properly anymore. Anyhow, a few months into lockdown, I ended the relationship. It was very amicable and we stayed in contact - text, occasional phone call etc. He very quickly met someone else and says he purposefully went for someone completely different to me as he was very upset. They are happy and, eight months on, are in love.

A few months ago, we met up - it was his suggestion - we missed each other's company and I thought it would be nice to catch up. We had an amazing evening - just chatting, did have a hug but nothing sexual happened. He then spent two weeks ringing me every day, said he was still in love with me, was going to end current relationship (they'd been together about five months at that point), he wanted to be with me etc. We talked about the reasons why we had split up, my reservations - and his - and basically I had a complete change of mind and wanted to give it another go. Obviously there is far more involved in this - I did tell him I wouldn't play a 'pick me' dance and it wasn't fair to behave in this way with his girlfriend. I told him he needed to decide with his girlfriend if they were right for each other and that I wouldn't be the one to split them up. Anyhow - he said he realised he mustn't love her enough if he felt like this towards me and went to end things with her. He rang me two days later and said that when he got to her house he just couldn't hurt her, that she's lovely etc and that he was going to stay with her. I was obviously upset but I suppose as I'd basically been telling him he was being a knob and to try to work things out with her, that I wasn't really in a position to then complain about him choosing her! I felt a complete plank and was hurt but you know, I thought 'I'll get over it' and tbh it just made me feel he was a bit wet and immature.

So.....he kept in touch, sent me my favourite perfume for Xmas and presents to my kids, said he wanted to stay in touch etc. Now we are back being friendly (by text) and I'm in this ridiculous position whereby I really really want to be back in a relationship with him. We spoke on facetime the other night for four hours. He's meant to be coming over for a walk and a catch up next week. I know this is not fair on his girlfriend (apparently she knows we are friends and text but is understandably wary of him 'falling for me' again). He said the other night that what we have now has to be just friends and that he's in love with her and very happy. I miss his friendship but also miss being in a relationship with him and regret ending it so much. I don't even know what I'm asking here. Is it completely stupid to think we could get back together (I know I will get slated because of his girlfriend)...? Also - I've probably made him sound like some kind of player but he's the absolute opposite. When we were together, he was totally trustworthy and, if anything, I felt a bit smothered at times. But I really do look back and could kick myself for ending it - he wanted to buy a house together, get married etc and I was just a bit cold and didn't appreciate the lovely things about what we had. I want him back but is it too late?

OP posts:

Original poster

DancingDeb · 11/02/2021 22:46

Oh blimey - forgot to say...During our mammoth facetime, he said he still has strong feelings for me and is very attracted to me but wants to stay friends so will stifle those feelings (can't think of a better way of explaining that)!

OP posts:

seensome · 11/02/2021 22:54

I would tell him no to friendship, this isn't fair on anyone here, it's kind of like a love triangle here? It's not completely platonic with feelings involved.
Say no to friendship for now however if he decides that the other relationship isn't for him and you happen to be single, then maybe you could get back together, if he wants you enough then he will end it with her first on his own terms.

DeRigueurMortis · 11/02/2021 23:14

I want him back but is it too late?

You didn't want him when he was single did you?

Seriously how much of this is you NOW questioning your feelings now he might be the one that got away?

You're right on one point - it's not fair to his girlfriend. This idea that he will "stifle" his feelings is just rubbish and from what you've said you don't want to stifle yours.

So you have 3 choices:

Tell him this dynamic is unhealthy for all involved and you need to stop contacting each other permanently.

You both commit to giving it a go and that means ending his current relationship.

Keep on as you are and end up having an affair.

All options are shitty imho for his girlfriend, but at least with option 2 she's not wasting her time unknowingly with a man she thinks loves her.

MaLarkinn · 11/02/2021 23:17

Honestly, just pack it in. What absolute shitty behaviour from you when you know he's with someone else. You dumped him, he's moved on, that should be the end of it.

But, this is mumsnet and as you're a woman you'll probably get a pat on the back, but if you were male you'd get ripped a new arsehole.

LittleBirdBlu · 11/02/2021 23:20

For goodness sake, his poor girlfriend!! You are both showing huge disrespect to his girlfriend, you should stop all contact and have a word with yourself. If he wanted to be with you he would be with you....but he isn't is he.

CatRamsey · 11/02/2021 23:33

I think you need to stop all contact with him. You can't stay friends in this situation when you both know there's feelings there, it's not fair on his girlfriend at all. Maybe if you have a break from all communication with him it'll give him time to decide whether he's genuinely happy with his new gf or if he misses having you in his life and therefore should end things with her.

seensome · 12/02/2021 00:00

@CatRamsey is right, a break is needed from communication, he can access if he's really in the right relationship and you didn't have strong feelings before so could it be a fear of missing out now he's gone or you have developed genuine feelings for him.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 12/02/2021 00:14

Yep, you need to stop all contact with him or accept that what you're actually doing is the 'Dump her, pick Meeeeeeee' routine.

He's treating both of you badly, I fail to see why you want to be with him. You do realise he's telling her he lives her, she's everything to him, you're just a friend. An ex who he's well over. You'd never be sure if him again after knowing what he's really like. Whether he's a player (you say he's not) or just a weak man really doesn't matter.

Break free and find someone new who you can have a fresh start with.

Jesus, when you were together you didn't have the hots for him, & didn't click, so I expect if you did get back to ether you'd feel the same after a short while anyway!

Dery · 12/02/2021 00:43

Agree with PP - you need to stop this contact. It’s really dishonourable behaviour on your and his part. You weren’t that into him when you were together and I suspect you would find again that you’re just not that into him. If you were, you would have wanted him back as soon as you split, not just because he fell for someone else. How would you feel if you were in his GF’s shoes? He’s the one who owes her loyalty but do you really need to be the one he’s disloyal with?

Close this chapter, OP. He may come looking for you if you cut contact and it may lead somewhere. Or he may not. But don’t be the OW.

itsallpointless · 12/02/2021 03:03

You must go NC OP. Firstly, this is totally unfair on his GF. Secondly, he has no intention (neither do you) of keeping things platonic.

As hard as it is, you finished the relationship, for whatever reason, and he has moved on. If it was meant to be then it will be, but only if he ends his relationship.

I finished a relationship getting on for 3 years ago, like you say, the whole package but no attraction, he's moved on and happy. However, text me now and then, sent cards etc (even just last Christmas). I did not reciprocate as I felt it was so wrong on his part (even though there was no romantic suggestion) so I hope that means he's got the message from me.

Put yourself in her shoes, would you be happy with your BFs behaviour?

Somamas · 12/02/2021 05:43

Let some one else have that problem he definitely plays with feelings

Monty27 · 12/02/2021 05:57

OP you say you didn't want a pick me dance. Yet that's exactly what you're doing. Your ex (the one in love with his new partner) is playing the music and you can't dance high enough.
Forget it.

Changemaname1 · 12/02/2021 06:01

I mean you have him the option and he picked her 🤷🏻‍♀️
Don’t stay friends you’re just hurting yourself .

SarahBellam · 12/02/2021 06:25

He is having an emotional affair with you and saying just enough to keep you dangling on a string. You are interested in him because he is forbidden fruit. Remember why you split up - because you didn’t fancy him.

SarahBellam · 12/02/2021 06:26

If he wanted to be with you he’d be with you. Bet he’s enjoying all the attention.

fuzzymoon · 12/02/2021 06:57

You're saying that you don't want to be one of those women that do the 'pick me dance' but that's what you're doing by engaging in texts, phone calls and the odd meet up.
You are also having an emotional affair so you are now the OW.

You say he's not a player , like that. He may not have been but he is now. He's contacting you and even causing his girlfriend concern by doing it. I can't imagine she's fine with it and I doubt he told her he chatted to you for hours and had a lovely connection.

You have your head firmly in denial mode. End the texts, phone chats and meet ups.

Would you be ok with this is you were his girlfriend. No !
You're smarting because he's found someone else and that hurts, somewhere inside you are still holding onto 'but he likes/liked me more' because of the rejection. This is normal but have some dignity , do the right thing and leave it.

Sillysandy · 12/02/2021 07:23

Take morality and the girlfriend out of the equation for the moment.

You find him boring and smothering in a relationship. Now you're lonely and you crave the stability he offered. He's become suddenly interesting and alluring because he's kind of unavailable.

You don't want him. The moment she's out of the picture he will be boring old Bob again and you will need some new fabricated situation to inject some excitement into things.

NotaCoolMum · 12/02/2021 07:39

He feels too guilty to break up with his rebound girlfriend. I’d cut ties with him and tell him it’s inappropriate for him to disguise you’re relationship as a “friendship” 🙄 while he’s with someone else as he has “strong feelings for you that he will try to repress”... guaranteed he’ll find the strength to end it with her (which he should do as none of this is fair to her)..... the question is- will you want him when he is free and single?

NotaCoolMum · 12/02/2021 07:40

your relationship 🤦🏻‍♀️

Somethingkindaoooo · 12/02/2021 07:56

Sorry, but you both kinda suck.

You had two years to figure out if if were attracted to him or not. You weren't. Draw a line, leave him alone.

Meanwhile, he made a choice to be with someone else, but has embarked on an emotional affair with you.

Yep, you both suck. All the hand wringing in the world isn't going to change that

Lifeispassingby · 12/02/2021 08:04

He is keeping you dangling in the background in case he decides the wants you. He is with someone else but wants to be friends with you knowing how you feel about him which is unfair of him. What will you do, put your life on hold just in case one day he decides to leave her for you?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 12/02/2021 08:36

He has ‘strong feelings’ that he ‘stifles’, and sends you your favourite perfume?

You want him back and go on walks and have mammoth FaceTime but...”girlfriend “.

He is using his gf as an insurance policy, you are using her as a human shield, and both claiming to be acting in her interests.

Either out your money where your mother is, say ‘I want you, I want our relationship back, I am ready to commit’ and risk rejection, or be honest that you just like the attention and put a proper end to it.

He should do the same, either be fully committed to his gf and stop this mooning over you and sending you perfume and telling his gf you are ‘friends’ while ‘stifling feelings’, if he should be open and tell you he wants you back.

Neither of you do this because you want to hang on to a gf that he has settled for, or a ‘friendship’ with added adoration but no strings attached.

If you want him back, be honest, and go for it. With passion.

If not, stop this utterly dishonest faddling around.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 12/02/2021 08:37

“Put your money where your mouth is” , not outing your mother!

Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2021 08:40

You are having an EA and being very unfair on his GF.
He’s happy in his relationship but always has you to fall back on if it doesn’t work out. If you were meant to be together you would be

wifterwafter · 12/02/2021 08:40

You can but I wouldn't. If he was that serious he wouldn't have a girlfriend and he would be single and available.

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