Need some advice and hand holding

[Bellelou]

Hi could really do with some advice and hand holding right now. I feel I’ve made a massive mistake and I don’t know what to do.
Been with my DP 6 years, Prior to this married for 27 years before my XH cheated on me.
I took a long time to trust my OH and things have been great, we lived apart for the first 4 years or so. I have 2 adult children living at home still (DS28 and DD 21)
About a year or so ago DP and I decided to move in together in my house. I should have known it was a bad move with my adult children still living at home , but we both thought we could make it work. But it just isn’t working, he’s constantly irritated by them and they can’t do anything right.

I’m stuck in the middle.
For context I KNOW they should leave home and I should be allowed a life but neither can afford to leave.
DS is employed but has had no gf ever (although he would love one). He’s had significant mental health problems and struggles with life outside of home /work. DD is a typical selfish 21year old. She is currently furloughed but even if she was working couldn’t afford to live on her own.
For the most part I’m ready for them to fly the nest but feel I can’t just tell them they have to leave.
The whole situation hasn’t been helped by covid and lockdown, before this we had regular weekends away and holidays but tonight things have come to a head and my DP has said he doesn’t want to break up with me but can’t live like this any longer.
I don’t want him to move out. I don’t want to go back to living in two separate houses only seeing each other a few times a week.
It was so exhausting living a double life with two homes but I know we can’t go on like this.
I just feel such a failure (again!)
I’m sitting here in my lounge on my own in tears and he’s in our bedroom. Now neither of us is happy.
I feel I have a right to happiness but can I live with the guilt of asking my kids to leave?
Either way I lose.
Have any of you been in this situation and how did you reconcile it?

I'm not sure if I have any advice but will offer a hand hold. So many arguments in families right now, it's a really tough time being all locked in together. Hopefully those evenings out and weekends away will be back eventually but to be honest, doesn't sound like all 4 of you living together is a long term solution. Maybe it's time to start talking/ thinking/ planning how and when the kids will be ready and able to move on (almost regardless of what happens with dp if as you say, you want to encourage that)? I don't know if that is sooner or later, that's for you, your dp and kids to talk through, but it sounds like something will have to change. Good luck. I hope someone with more advice comes along soon. Take care

Tricky situation op,I wouldn't know what to suggest,I'm sure someone will jump on and advise you,I think you are entitled to be happy but how do you choose x

if DD can't afford to rent her own home, and DS is not ready for independant living, you can hardly throw either of them out onto the street, esp during a lockdown, can you?
So, irritating though it may be, your home is where they are right now.
If DP can't handle that, his path is clear - he's moving out, for now.

It's not uncommon to simply put off living together until DC have left.
The ups and downs of living with adult DC can be tricky when they are your own. Hardly suprising that it's rocky when they're not.

If it doesn't work , it doesn't work.
Is it the idea that this is how couples are 'supposed' to live what's important, or the reality?

Personally, a partner whose place I can escape to, as a break from the 'alledgedly' grown up DC , I see as a plus!

Why don't you move in with him, or spend most of the week with him at his place?

@Evidencebased you’re right. When he did gave his own place , it was nice to have somewhere to escape to.
@category12 I could go back to doing what we did before, spending weekends with him and one day in the week, but it’s further complicated by my elderly mum living near me and needing support, which is why in the end he decided to move with me, I just feel pulled in every direction and whatever decision we make one of us ends up unhappy. I just always feel it’s me? I’m tired of trying to be there for everyone and want to be selfish but it isn’t in my nature.

Well, your DP sounds a bit of a grumpy dick though. He knew what he was moving into.

How about he goes home half the week for a break and stays the other half, so he's doing the toing and froing?