Is being against porn more about the secrecy?

[debbs77]

I discovered last year that my partner was watching porn. Not regularly as such, but would go through stages of it. All sorted, or so I thought.

Discovered in December he was doing it again, every single day for a week, while I was in the next room/downstairs.

I told him then that it is a boundary for me.

He looked up photos of an actress topless this week. I'm gutted.

I totally understand that everyone has the right to privacy, it's their body, they can do what they like etc etc. And I don't think I'd have a problem with it if he was doing this when I was out of the house, or if we had a struggling sex life. But neither are true sex most days, despite a baby.

But I think it is more the secrecy about it. The sneaking off to do it. No different really from someone who promises not to drink, smoke or gamble again, yet does it anyway, knowing how their partner feels about it. It ruins trust

'To me - most of the time objections to porn from regular non excessive use situations comes down to insecurities and worrying that their partner might see another woman as sexually attractive.'

Posted after a host of women saying they are concerned about abuse/ coercion and the fact that so much content these days is about sexual dominance of male over female and degradation.

Yes ignore all those posts. It's because women are insecure!

Some (especially men ) seem determined to ignore the fact it just gives some women ‘the ick’ they go off you, don’t feel the same etc, etc— doesnt matter if sex life is fine, if he’s still nice to you- for somecwomen it’s simply a total turn off — so I suggest men learn to be upfront about it if it’s a necessity in life to them and let the woman decide if it’s ‘unimportant’

@baileys6904

Most porn?? U sure about that? Source please? Or are you not including Only fans accounts where people self manage? Or the 50 shades films and books? Or lesbian content.

Giving your opinion is one thing but let's not just use lots of long words or u referenced statements to try and back it up

Check out enough.org statistics section that should get you started for a few weeks reading . There’s plenty of well researched professional data that it will point you in the right direction of
Whether people and studies have included only fans ( on third of which accounts are underage according to the bbc ) is determined by the definition of each study Op, women have various reasons for being against porn , you need to work out your own . Secrecy can be a big on but I’d also suggest you look into the industry and become informed about why so many object to it

notbuyingit.org.uk/take-action-prostitution-2/

www.traffickinghubpetition.com

Totally disagree with MMmomDD and Anothernick. Totally, completely disagree.

Even in an otherwise happy, content, sexual relationship, if my partner is doing something I find morally wrong, even without directly impacting me, and even though some people like to believe that 'most' men do it I'm not going to just bury my head in the sand, and shrug my shoulders and say, oh well we have such a lovely life, who cares?

My DH is flawed, of course he is, and I love him and his flaws, but even if nothing else in our lives changed, if he started to consume pornography knowing the ethical implications, I would have to address that.

Also comparing feeding an infant to looking up topless women on the internet? Really?!

OP, last year I was in an identical situation, feeling just as you do.

I found all the searches, his fave actresses naked, porn, etc. After 18 good years and 3 kids together.

It devastated me. I know how you feel. Utterly betrayed, so shocked, so fucking upset and my self esteem took a beating.

Caused so much upset as he minimised some pretty upsetting searches. He still does it. Not as much and doesnt think I know.

I do know. I give up though. He'll promise never again, this is not true. So either accept it....within reason....or walk away. Trying to control or "stop" him WILL NOT WORK. He'll just be more secretive.

Like you, good relationship, lots of sex, no issues at all there. Baffled me. Still does. I never felt the same about him which was sad as my god, I loved him so much.

Once I accepted I wasnt leaving him over it, I mentally and emotionally keep him at arms length. I will never be hurt like that again. He thinks everything is rosy...and to be honest, generally were good....but I will never forget, or forgive and no matter what I do.... the old feeling of loving him and trusting him never came back.

@baileys6904

Most porn?? U sure about that? Source please? Or are you not including Only fans accounts where people self manage? Or the 50 shades films and books? Or lesbian content.

Giving your opinion is one thing but let's not just use lots of long words or u referenced statements to try and back it up

One third of only fans accounts were found to be underage according to a recent bbc doco investigating only fans Go to enough.org read the stats section then come back and tell everyone why you think the statement most porn contains this isn’t true In the very least most porn sites have very questionable and often illegal content . Even if the viewer is not accessing those particular clips they are supporting the sites and industry that does this Op there are many reason for people to oppose porn . You are allowed to have your reasons whatever they are

I often think porn for men is similar to how social media is for women. Both equally addictive yet equally damaging to ones mental health. Unfortunately I think generations will pass until we understand the full extent of the damage - a bit like how we view smoking today. Unless you find an outlier you almost have to accept it or leave. Depressing but it is what it is.

For me it is about the exploitation, the short life expectancy of porn actors, the fact the women look dead behind the eyes and the general impact porn has on society. This guy explains it well:

@tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict great clip, thank you for sharing.

If you have an understanding that he occasionally watches it and you're OK with that I don't think he's lying to you or keeping secrets if he doesn't tell you every specific time he's going for a wank. I would just ask him not to do it with you in the next room if that's your boundary he should understand.

[quote crackingcrackers]@tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict great clip, thank you for sharing.[/quote]
He's great isn't he? Good role model. There are quite a few male anti porn campaigners out there. It restore's one's faith!

‘He's great isn't he? Good role model. There are quite a few male anti porn campaigners out there. It restore's one's faith!’

And God knows that’s needed with the attitude the average male has towards the degradation and abuse of women in porn
Most of them think nothing of supporting this filthy industry and justify it by saying ‘ oh but they are not the particular clips I’m looking at ‘
Be great to see these ‘average ‘ men exposed to their families with all they support . I wonder how much their kids would admire them then, particularly their daughters sisters and females partners

Once I accepted I wasnt leaving him over it, I mentally and emotionally keep him at arms length. I will never be hurt like that again. He thinks everything is rosy...and to be honest, generally were good....but I will never forget, or forgive and no matter what I do.... the old feeling of loving him and trusting him never came back.

I could have written this. I feel very lonely in my marriage now but not about to rip it apart (young dcs in the mix). Added to this the perimenopause, I feel like I'm in a bit of a mess to be honest. Having accepted I am not going to leave, my resolve is to try and work on myself now - meet new friends/develop hobbies/interests and improve fitness...wellbeing stuff for me. I have always had a sense of low self worth and I'm determined to try and improve it.

Look at the male posters again riding up to tell OP to put up and shut up and how unreasonable she is to get wound up because her husband is wanking to porn the second she leaves the room
Always the same ones too....

OP your boundaries are your boundaries. Don't let any posters tell you different

@SwimmingInToys those two posters are on every porn thread telling the poster how unreasonable they are for being upset.
Every. single. time.

Thing is I have said so many times, if they are fine and dandy with it and their partners are then great— but don’t presume those of us that aren’t fine and dandy with it are ‘over reacting’ — I might be fine with someone having 3 beers a day or a couple of glasses of wine- others wouldn’t - I wouldn’t say to someone who wasn’t fine with it— just put up with it or join in, it’s not affecting you.

Porn kills love. Porn abuses women and children. Porn teaches little girls and boys that love = hurting each other.
What's not to hate?