DH needs direction for the small stuff

[HiveQueen]

Lighthearted but annoying.

Every day it’s questions such as:

What do you want for dinner?
What do you want to watch on t.v?
What are we doing today?
What did you plan for dinner tonight?
What housework should I do?

I am not a controlling person, so this does not come from that. These are all question so that he doesn’t have to think about what to cook or watch.

It drives me nuts. I sometimes answer, what do you want? Or even - what I want is to not have to think about it, for which I get an eye roll.

The questions about dinner come after a bit of a stand off when I don’t go ahead and make it.

He’s fine for the big stuff and has an opinion but for the mundane day to day stuff I just want him to man up.

We’ve been together 20+ years and I swear he is getting worse.

God, yes. DH came into the room as I was working the other day to ask me what I was thinking he should have for his lunch. I don't care! Plus the endless questions about what type of coat/jumper he needs before he goes outside.

Oh god mine is exactly the same. He goes to work early in the morning and then comes home. When he goes back out in the afternoon he’ll ask me whether I think it’s going to be cold. How am I supposed to know when I’ve been chained to my dining room desk all day and you’ve already left the house

The other thing he does is not have an opinion when I ask him those sorts of questions and the answer is always “i don’t mind”. You’d think it would be lovely to live with someone who is more than happy to go along with all your plans, eat what you choose for dinner etc but just once I’d love some input and for me not to have to decide every single little thing! My brain is tired from thinking all the time!

So pleased I’m not the only one who feels like this. Yes with the what clothes should I wear. I don’t know and I don’t care. Also with the weather forecast. I’d have to look that up just the same as you can.

Why don't you take turns choosing menus and cooking? One week you decide what the dinners will be (and do the shopping) and cook them... and then the next week he does.

I get texts when I am on the way home like “Shall I start dinner?” No I’d like to to sit there and wait for me to get back. Makes me want to scream!

But he is a great dad and generally brilliant in most other ways so I’ll suck it up

Used to be like the vulture scene in The Jungle Book in our house, "what do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do?" Drove me nuts sometimes, just make a decision or express a preference dammit!

Some men think that in order to please you they defer to your preferences. I think this means that they believe you are kept happy by having the choice on decisions. Of course - it doesn't make you happy. But I will bet that, rather than openly explain that you need a man to be decisive, take control and show agency, you've have instead simply displayed contempt for his attempts to please you. Because somehow telling him what's actually important is cheating? Like he needs to work it out for himself.
I'd suggest maybe explaining to him that deferring to you all the time doesn't keep you happy- it stresses you and makes you feel like your his parent and that he needs to step up and take ownership of things in his control.
It will take three to six months - but he will be a better man for it - if he can bear to hold his ground and not crumple the minute you push back.

@Seadad

Some men think that in order to please you they defer to your preferences. I think this means that they believe you are kept happy by having the choice on decisions. Of course - it doesn't make you happy. But I will bet that, rather than openly explain that you need a man to be decisive, take control and show agency, you've have instead simply displayed contempt for his attempts to please you. Because somehow telling him what's actually important is cheating? Like he needs to work it out for himself. I'd suggest maybe explaining to him that deferring to you all the time doesn't keep you happy- it stresses you and makes you feel like your his parent and that he needs to step up and take ownership of things in his control. It will take three to six months - but he will be a better man for it - if he can bear to hold his ground and not crumple the minute you push back.

Honestly, it's just laziness in my DH's case. Nothing to do with pleasing me. He just can't be bothered to think for himself. He fully admits it.

Well of course other men are lazy arses who think that by avoiding everything long enough it will become intolerable to you so that you'll fix it.
Best not to get stuck with a lazy man but if you do
then the same conversation needs to be had - the one about what you need from a man (not what you need him to do to sort x,y,z - but who you need him to be).

Yes - although in fairness when I do throw it back to him and say, what do you want for dinner then invariably I won't fancy it... He quite rightly says he can't win 😁

Hah! Me too. My DH asked me if his mobile phone was on a good contract and deal the other day. How would I know? He manages it all himself. I told him to go into the Vodafone shop when it opens up again and ask them or look at it online.
I'm just going to frown next time he asks me a daft question

Ooohh I like the idea of a good frown. I’ve started saying “why don’t you use your own brain before you try mine” which he doesn’t like very much!

Yes it’s laziness in our house too. I’ve left it far too long to train him now I fear.

He doesn’t need directions it just means you do half the work and it’s easier for him.

I imagine he makes decisions on his own at his job without calling his manager every 2 minutes?

He doesn’t ‘need direction’ he just doesn’t respect your time / energy and wants to reduce his ‘decision fatigue’ by adding to yours!

I think it's normal to ask your partner these mundane questions every now again, but I think the problem here is the volume and regularity of them. Does he feel like an indecisive child to you? Is he quite a neurotic, anxious person?

@Dozer I love the term decision fatigue. That’s totally sums up how I feel.

@EarthSight No he’s not an anxious person at all. It’s as though it’s too much effort for him to think for himself. When it comes to something like big purchases he has a strong opinion and is decisive.

Mine's always asking me what time it is. I've just about trained him (by example) to ask Alexa instead

It's called Mental Load and one of the biggest drains on women, and yet barely ever mentioned outside of forums like this.

Persistently give him the 'wrong' answer.

Q: What clothes should I wear?
A: Swimsuit and flip-flops.

Q: What shall I cook for dinner?
A: Slow cooked beef en croute with julienned courgettes and dauphinoise potatoes (or something else that he has neither the ingredients nor ability to cook).

Q: What do you plan for dinner tonight?
A: Cereal.

If allowed DH tends to do the following and it drives me nuts, I ask if he wants a drink and he says "Yes", then I'm ask "hot or cold", then give him a list of available beverages in the chosen category until he hears one that he wants. What I do now is ask "Do you want a green tea?" or whatever it is I'm making for myself. The only acceptable answers are "Yes" or "No". If "No" is followed by the exact thing that he wants then I'll get that for him, if "No" is followed by something vague I resist being led down that path and he gets nothing.

I do as black American does. Roasted elephant thanks. Confit duck would be amazing. It’s just lingerie for going to the park at the moment I think, but you could check. Perhaps you could paint the house exterior, we must be due that?