Mother daughter disconnect

[beatselt]

This is outing hence the name change.
And this is long.
Quick backdrop.
Lost my dad 18 months ago, mum had been the typical 50s housewife and so had never opened a bill, dad paid her an allowance each week - he ran the finances and she ran the home.
I'm youngest of three. Mum has never complimented me on anything, there is always a negative-I list three stone-still one to go tho. Redecorated? Missed a bit, opened my own business, what about your children etc etc my dh sees this and we have a little look we give each other when she does it-it's a solidarity I cling onto.
Eldest sister (10+) estranged due to her feeling unloved and not good enough-feelings I recognise and understand however the adult she has turned into is manipulative, spiteful and emotionally unstable - I recognise the correlation.
Middle Bro (+8) has serious mental health issues (schizophrenia) that started when I was 8 and have carried on. As a child I was encouraged to sit with him and talk to him as "I was good at that" mum and dad buried their heads in the sand for a good few years until he physically attacked me, my sis found us and called the police and he went into a mental health hospital voluntarily or face being sectioned. The attack was never ever mentioned, I was never talked to about it, my school not informed etc
I'm low contact with him now as he is still extremely unkind and volatile towards me, I'm sure it's powered by guilt and shame for the things he said and did when I was little. There has been a long expectation of me to make amends with my bro from my parents, for families sake however it's never been me that caused issue, he littlerally has always done it, sort of pull me in to a false sense of security then launch a sustained verbal attack, text me vicious things or just ghost me etc-when I had children I made the move to be low contact. My parents have always sort of blamed us both which has always upset me as I feel that's totally unfair. Again I'm sure that's due to their own guilt and shame for not helping him earlier. It was a revelation to them when I suggested a few years ago that it was not great for me to have been put in that situation with him when I was little, they really couldn't see my point or their responsibility to me.
Fast forward to now.
Mum is haveing her bungalow gutted, she chose a builder on recommendation and he supplied a quote but not a breakdown.
I had reservations about that but mum trusts her friend who recommended him and has seen his previous work.
After a week or so she called me, the extension she thought she had been quoted on turned out to now be a conservatory as "reasons" I wrote a thread about it at the time and the universal view was she was being taken for a ride.
I went to talk to the builder and he doesn't about an hour making every excuse under the sun for not doing an extension, pipes underground, would take ages to get planning regs, architect etc etc was sort of suggesting to mum that she wouldnt want to wait that long, that it would be three months before they could start and the. All that mess again! Much better to go for a conservatory. Except she is 74 and feels the cold so I pressed it on her say so and held firm that she wanted an extension-why he hadn't already got drawings done and gone for building regs I don't know-tho I suspect it was always a corner to be cut to line his pocket. Anyway I then asked for a breakdown of costs so we can better see where the money is going and he flipped out, threatened to walk off the job, told me I was a trouble maker, there's no reasons to not trust him etc etc mum burst into tears, held his arm and begged him to stay that I didn't mean it like that and so on.
I was gob smacked and left, we talked about it but she doesn't seem to see why I was pissed off. This man shouted at me in her home when I was advocating for her on her say so! Anyway the next morning I called her and said I'll be round in 10 for a coffee on my way to work-she asked me not to as she didn't want me to upset the builder.
Fast forward a bit more
Her renovation is progressing to an unlovable stage and she said to me that she would move into a hotel-I thought this was a daft idea in a pandemic and suggested she ask my brother who has a spare room and is working from home if she could move in with him, she did and he said no. So I offered-things have been surface fine between us since she asked me to stay away from her house while the builder is there-we've been to the shops, had her over for dinner and been to hers when the builder isn't there but I still felt hurt-we just were pretending it's not a thing. So she moved in.
About theee weeks ago I was finishing my lunch, we were gonna go to the supermarket together, she said she needed to pop to her bungalow first and that she'd come back then we'd go-I said I was ready we could just go in one car one trip but she again said she didn't want me causing trouble with the builder, that it's just like how I am with my brother-and I lost it-years of keeping quiet flew out of me. I spoke about how lumping me in with my brothers behaviours was unfair on me, in true and invalidating of the years of emotional and physical abuse I sustained at his hands. She said she never saw any of what I claim haopen so it's not her fault. Etc etc basically all everyone else's fault, not hers even to blaming my sister for their relationship for things she did as a baby!!! We talked and talked, but nothing penetrated her, nothing seemed make her see or think.
She left today-6weeks in all.
We had a chat yesterday where I tried to
Very gently speak to her about how I feel used and hurt that my mother still thinks of me as a trouble maker even when living in my home, that I feared our relationship would never be the same as she is unable to see how hurtful she has been etc I said all you ever had to do was take me round there to see the bungalow and show me and the builder that I matter (god I sound like a brat) I pointed out she has the build she wants because I advocated for her. Nothing.
So today she left, she thanked my son for giving up his room for her (he slept in a mattress in our room he is 12) but didn't get him any choccies or anything f which would have been nice. She didn't mention anything to me about going round here and I'm sat here analysing everything from my earliest memories, questioning the hate she always voiced for my sister and likewise in return, how I feel about that little girl encouraged to sit with my very ill brother with no check ins, he was convinced I was the devil due to my prepubescent state at one point constantly telling me to close my legs!!!!!! Im trying to unpick where I fit in, how I can fit in when I feel so utterly dispensable, irrelevant and petulant all at once.
I don't know. Why I'm posting other than I just needed to get it out, I'm devastated

Bumping x

Hi there, I didn’t want to Read and run - I can hear how much this is hurting you and obviously has been since you were very young. I am Not qualified to help, but want you to know that your feelings are valid and I am so sorry you have had so much to deal with over the years. My mother was hurtful and difficult towards me for the last 10 years of her life (she lost her son/my brother and took the hurt out on me...). Like you, I felt her negative feelings were unjustly directed towards me but I couldn’t get her to see it or get her to seek help. Her words/actions often consumed my days and affected my sleep to the point I went to get help myself. I suspect you are in a similar place and would urge you to get counselling to deal with your mother. I found counselling incredibly helpful, Particularly the realisation that she would probably never understand my side, but that I could change the way I was with her. She died shortly after I had the counselling, and it was honestly such a relief to not have her in my life. Perhaps you could Go NC with her for the sake of your own Mental health. I wish you all the best, it is very difficult for you. Prioritise yourself. You are allowed. X

I'm so sorry, op. I highly suggest therapy, and I also agree with pp that you should step way, way back from your mum, and going no contact may be the best decision. Your older sister has, for good reason. Your mother doesn't bring anything of value into your life, just pain and toxicity.

Op she will never be the mum that you want her to be. If you can accept that then you will be able to move forward.

I personally would recommend going back to low contact with her.

I really feel for you. My mother abandoned me as a toddler and was in and out of contact causing grief when I was happy and settled but stayed away when I was unhappy and being abused. I feel hard to verbalise as I wonder if I was better off not having her as even people who did have their parents still had a shit time.

For me, what to do is determined by what the end result you want is going to be.

If you want to make her listen and aren't too bothered if you end up with no contact then write a letter with it all in.

If you want to salvage a relationship then maybe a gentle difficult childhood, sadness, hope she can acknowledge your feelings are real and that you want to move forward more positively.

Thankyou for your replies xxx hearing someone tell me what I know really, that she won't change has lifted a weight x I'm still processing this, it's so hard x but Thankyou x

Gosh, but I could have written parts of your post, OP! The issues with the builder particularly resonate. My late mum could be lovely and could also grudge-bear for England. She was capable of bringing things up from decades back and had a shaky grasp of just how much responsibility to give a child for an adult’s feelings (correct answer is none).

You sound as though everything has been thrown in the air: the adult frustration and the anger of a child placed in an adult role. I’d strongly recommend some counselling because it’s a place to be heard - all of you, warts and all - with no judgement or denial.

I’m no expert, but I do have quite strong feelings with regards to family letting you down. I just don’t believe that blood is thicker than water. Your parents let you down appallingly, more than that really, they knowingly placed you, their child FGS, in an unpleasant and dangerous situation and chose to deny it so that they could absolve them of any responsibility. I read your previous thread, now this one and I kept asking myself “why does she keep going back for more?”. Don’t forget the definition of madness is expecting a different outcome.

What I think is that you owe her nothing. If the builder rips her off? Hard luck, you tried. Try going very low contact first and if she still makes you feel bad, go NC. Being a mother is a privilege and few of us get it 100% right, but we try a damned sight harder than your “D”M ever did. Start to value yourself in a way she never has. She’s unlikely to change, so withdraw and be kind to yourself.

I relate to a lot of what you are going through and I know how painful it is.
I’ve come to the conclusion that my own mother is a ‘man-pleaser’ rather than a people pleaser, basically if there is a male in the picture she will pander to him and has no qualms about throwing her daughter (me) under the bus. There’s been trivial situations when I’ve been able to prove that a man is wrong about something by googling and she just refuses point blank to look at the website because in her world, the man must always be correct.

It’s really upsetting but as others say, she won’t change so I have to stop going to her for approval as I’ll never get it.