Boyfriend who cannot express his feelings

[Hope4newlife]

I have a boyfriend who finds himself very difficult to express his feelings. I can see he is happy when he has a nice meal though. He once told me that I am an emotional person and emotions are a waste. Divorced after 17 years of marriage from a cheater wife, had some girlfriends before and after but never been in love with a woman but he said he doesn’t want to live alone.

He is still actively hiding me from his family, said we only introduce a woman for marriage. (I know the culture difference but it hurts)

From his reactions and how he deals with the relationship issues, he seemed quite selfish and talks very blunt so I got hurt a lot at the very beginning when we were learning to know each other but then again I feel that his selfishness is because he doesn’t know how to approach to talk about the odd situations and sudden events that could hurt me? or simply don’t think that further?

He never touches me or holds my hands ever first even in bed he just cannot show his affection at all as if he does not know anything so you do all but he really likes me being next to him, touching him, holding his hands, anything.

Other than his character, he is very successful and has an honourable job. His work is his whole life, nothing else. I honestly cannot believe that he was once in a marriage for 17 years because I have found it very difficult with him, maybe me? I don’t know. I almost broke up with him a couple of times and could have left his house straight away but I didn’t and he hugged me so hard next morning ( this means “ thank you for staying/bearing with me, omg, I want to cry😭)

I have kept telling him what I want him to do and how I want to be treated with clear instructions but I know it may be impossible for him to change especially in his age. and I feel that he won’t be happy to hear it all the time. He told me that too much negativity isn’t good but he didn’t say any further. So I know he still wants me.

I love him so much. I am now kind of getting used to him and learned to understand and ignore but still very hard.

Are some men too difficult to express their feelings? Anyone has this problem? I guess if someone’s character is like my boyfriend, they won’t be here because they can’t express anyway.

Of course you should leave him! And I’d be asking myself very seriously — with a good counsellor — not alone why I believed I was in love with a cold, selfish, emotionally inarticulate man who was dreadful in bed and hid me from his family, but why I was working so hard at accepting the (grim) status quo!

You realise that literally only the positive thing you have to say about him is that he has an ‘honourable’ job? And that you talk about his ‘character’ like it’s a minor detail that can be overlooked, like someone otherwise wonderful who blows his nose annoyingly?

You’ll only get hurt more OP. You both are not compatible and perhaps he has a very avoidant attachment style. I think it’s in your best interest to thank him for the experience and move on. Trust me, you will be discussing this same matter in a year’s time. For someone who was married for 17 years, he has serious wounds that even he may not know how to heal, so closing off his emotions is a way to deal with it. He doesn’t hold your hand?!? Are you kidding?! I’m sorry but tactility is a huge thing for me. IMO, this is the time to say your goodbyes, cos it won’t get any better. He’s too much hard work and will NOT change. You won’t change him, and will only get hurt. Like my best friend says, he’ll only bleed on you.

And it’s completely irrelevant that he claims he ‘needs’ you. Boxers need a punching bag. Doesn’t mean it has to be you!

OP you are trying to fix him.

You are trying to work him out.

Sign on the dotted line for a miserable & confusing life ......... OP you've signed it!

Why are you still with him?

You love the crumbs that he gives you... the tight hugs after you've left & returned ???

he seemed quite selfish and talks very blunt so I got hurt a lot at the very beginning

And you still are because he is abusive. It seems he is v happy to express his emotions - he gets his needs met - does what he wants.

Seems that YOU can’t express your emotions without this thug silencing and repressing you.

He is not a kind or respectful person but you seem determined to JADE (justify, argue, defend, excuse) your emotions/his behaviour by repressing your own feelings to tolerate him.

This isn’t what you (or anyone) wants or needs. Why do you think this is all you deserve?

What’s your RS background - has your self esteem been so eroded that you think you should put up with this?

He sounds quietly sneery and dismissive.

@Hope4newlife

I of course brought « hiding from family» issue up with other issues but I haven’t seen him since. Hope he doesn’t do that again.

I don’t know the reasons why I am still with him and love him without receiving love and affection from him, and I feel only me trying to accept who he is as he doesn’t do anything in order to keep me happy or keep this relationship go. Unfortunately, this has happened and I am now fighting with myself whether I should leave him or not for the sake of my happiness. I feel that he needs me, he told me that he needs me. Probably I am the kind of person who is attracted to a bad guy, emotionally incapable man😢

I feel that I must decide before getting hurt more.

You're under no obligation to "accept him for who he is". He's a man who isn't good to you or for you.

Sit and think what good you get from this relationship, because it doesn't sound like there's any.

I feel that he needs me

What about your needs or don't they matter ? You are right you need to decide before you get hurt even more. You have two choices but only one of them is wise.

You should love the person you met not desire to love the man you want him to be.
He is who he is and you cannot expect him to be more affectionate if this is not the way he expresses himself. Personally I am a tactical person who would struggle in your situation but this incompatibility would have meant I would have moved on instead of wait for a miraculous change in his character.
Your head needs to rule your heart I'm afraid!

If someone is hurting you regularly, walk away. Do not change your red lines to fit another person.

You will forever be stretching and pulling yourself under the belief that one day you'll be good enough or perfect enough or worthy enough but it will never happen and you won't even recognise who you are and he'll turn around and say, well this is who I am, didn't I tell you?

By giving you nothing, he is allowing you to fill the gap by projecting meaning on to very small crumbs such as hugs. Of course these hugs mean what you want them to mean. But you are the person creating that meaning.

It’s not that he physically cannot talk about his feelings. He has told you plenty about his (lack of) feelings. He has told you about his family’s expectations etc, his lack of connection with previous partners. This is big difficult life stuff and he’s managed to articulate it perfectly well. It’s not that he can’t give you what you want, it just suits him better not to have to. Bin.

Probably I am the kind of person who is attracted to a bad guy, emotionally incapable man

You can change that about yourself.
Instead of self-harming by proxy, which is what this "relationship" is, go into therapy. Work through why you're fixated on being with someone is completely emotionally unavailable and start making different choices. You're not doomed to make yourself miserable. You can't fix or change him, but you can sort yourself out.

You are totally incompatible OP. You will never be happy. Walk away now before he continues to hurt you. Nothing good will come from this relationship.