I'm struggling, the perfect marriage with one flaw

[Santasmissyontheside]

God i shouldn't even call it that. I've got a amazing husband and a amazing marriage with two beautiful dd's. Its bliss until we have dss and it goes tits up. He's 4 and i love him dearly but i'm finding it so hard. Its to the point where i want to walk out each time. I've grown up with step parents so i feel so guilty even thinking about how sad i get. I know its my problem and he's part of dh and i need to grow up but i'm in tears about it. After 3 and half years i thought it would have got easier.

God i sound like a witch. I should have name changed.

Why is it so hard? Is it is behaviour, or the fact that he is almost intruding on a 'perfect' family. Whaetevr it is, it must be pretty harsh to make you feel this way.

He's a good kid plays up to dh a bit and gets a bit wimpy with silly things but when its just us he's as good as gold and i feel so proud of him. I think its because i grew up with steps and just didn't want that in my family i wanted the "perfect" family. I know that doesn't exist and i'm being un realistic. I struggle knowing that dh has had all the firsts already and sometimes feel second best. Jealous maybe? I just keep wanting it to get easier to cope but it doesn't.

there is no such thing as the perfect family
but then you know that ...

you feel second best and i am not sure how you can manage those feelings

have you talked to your DH?

No direct experience, but I didn't want to ignore your post as you obviously feel very strongly about this, and are hurting a lot. You don't sound like a witch! Just like someone struggling with a child, which, as we all know, can be very very demoralising. Is your HV any good? They can advise on behaviour issues up to 5 y.o. It may help to talk things through with her.

It occurs to me that if your home is as happy and perfect as you describe, that could be quite difficult for dss to come into. He may well be insecure - after all, daddy has presumably 'left him' before (not blaming, but just painting it as dss may see it) - so he may be challenging how much you all really love him. Will you still love him, if he is horrible, or will he be able to bring about the thing he fears - rejection from this very happy home?

Or maybe he is just very very challenging. I'm not sure how easy I would find it to love my 4yo if he wasn't mine! He can be ghastly - and boys can be an awful shock to mums of girls! But then we snuggle up at night and, of course, I look at my baby, and forgive everything.

Have you tried some real one-to-one time with dss, with his dad, or with you? It may be helpful and make him feel quite special - and it probably shouldn't be conditional on behaviour. At 4 yo, I guess he needs to see that he will be loved and accepted, however difficult. There will be other ways of setting limits and making boundaries clear.

Best of luck.

No direct experience, but I didn't want to ignore your post as you obviously feel very strongly about this, and are hurting a lot. You don't sound like a witch! Just like someone struggling with a child, which, as we all know, can be very very demoralising. Is your HV any good? They can advise on behaviour issues up to 5 y.o. It may help to talk things through with her.

It occurs to me that if your home is as happy and perfect as you describe, that could be quite difficult for dss to come into. He may well be insecure - after all, daddy has presumably 'left him' before (not blaming, but just painting it as dss may see it) - so he may be challenging how much you all really love him. Will you still love him, if he is horrible, or will he be able to bring about the thing he fears - rejection from this very happy home?

Or maybe he is just very very challenging. I'm not sure how easy I would find it to love my 4yo if he wasn't mine! He can be ghastly - and boys can be an awful shock to mums of girls! But then we snuggle up at night and, of course, I look at my baby, and forgive everything.

Have you tried some real one-to-one time with dss, with his dad, or with you? It may be helpful and make him feel quite special - and it probably shouldn't be conditional on behaviour. At 4 yo, I guess he needs to see that he will be loved and accepted, however difficult. There will be other ways of setting limits and making boundaries clear.

Best of luck.

Yeah i have but what can he say? He treats me like a princess. Even on our wedding day i was thinking god they've seen dh do this before. Stupid i know. Its my own problem but i just don't know what to do to sort it out.

OK - so you know that the problem is with you, and it's you that needs to sort out your sense of security and reality?

I'm not at all unsympathetic.....but the good thing is that because the issue is in the way you see your self, and measure yourself against a fantasy 'perfect' relationship, that you can actually sort this out. MUCH easier than a problem that was not of your making .

Can you afford a short course of counselling to look at your reactions to step parenting based on your own experiences? Since it is making you tearful and unhappy, maybe your GP could refer you fro a course on the NHS? If you are stressed because of it? Can you talk with other people on MN about exoeriences of grwoing up in a step family?

It sounds as if you are a lovely step-mum to him, as well as a lovely mother and family for your two dds.

Being honest about it and addressing that there is a proble is the foirst step to sorting it out - so well done.

Sorry! Double post and cross posted with your too. Ignore my last post(s)! It sounds as if this is a lot more to do with you and your past, and that others may well be able to advise you about how to work on those feelings. Don't be hard on yourself though. Kids bring out the strongest feelings in us, and tap back into our deepest joys and fears.

Best of luck, still. Once you have identified how you are feeling, you can work on it, and through it, to reach a happier place.

I agree with Blu. I think you need to come to terms with your past, and then you can deal with your present.

Nqgu sorry cross post i'm bit slow! When i spend time on my own with him i find it great. He loves coming as he adores his sisters and dad. But i'm not silly i know he's starting to pick up on me struggling. I've been with his dad since he was very young so he's always kind of been aware of us being together

i think Blu's suggestion of counselling is very sensible

Thanks. I have thought of some kind of counselling but no nothing about it. I'm always striving to be one better.

Agree with other posters you don't sound like a witch - you sound like a lovely person who has a few insecurities. They are obviously real and important to you, to make you feel like second best.

I would say try and speak to your husband again, but as understanding and lovely he is, this may be something that he would feel hard to understand and empathise with. Is there anyone else you can speak with who would understand?

I know how difficult it is when you want everything to be 'perfect' and somehow it just falls short. I feel the same sometimes. I had my dd when I was 17 and her father buggered off shortly after she was born. She is 11 now, and a lovely girl, and I have a lovely dp and stepson, good job, nice house and good prospects for the future, all the rest of it. But I still feel that I have failed her because I haven't provided her with a family in which she can grow up with both her parents, I had to work full time from when she was very young so I missed being at home with her, all that kind of thing. And when I have tried to talk to people, they just look at me as if I am mad!

I can't offer any advice other than please, please keep reminding yourself that you are not second best, you are a good person (stop calling yourself a witch for one ) and try and stop the niggling thoughts creeping in.

Also, one thing that may help, with your stepson perhaps try and have some one-to-one with him - just you and him, perhaps soemthing regular that just the two of you do together. Then you can build a relationship wth him and maybe develop a closer bond.

Good luck!

Thhink of counselling like a gym workout for your emotions - can get them fit and healthy, with a bit of a challenge!

As it is potentially affecting your relationship, i wonder if it is something that you could talk to Relate about? You don't have to go to Relate counselling as a couple.

I'm using my phone which is slow to load! I think i do have some issues of when i was growing up etc and thats causing alot of this. I hadn't actually thought that this could be the reason.

Thanks kitty what you said and how you explained it sounds all to familiar! I've spoken to my mum and she's said to try hard with ss and take him out etc. But think problems lay more with me. How do you find out about relate? Dh would go i know without asking him he would.

((((((((()))))))))) im sure relate have a website.have you constantly felt like this or do you find it becoming worse???

I think relate would be a god idea, probably better would be some one-to-one counselling on your own, in order to find out what causes you to feel like this, and to try and build on your self-esteem.

Your husband sounds great, it's lovely for you to have someone that you can count on to be supportive.

Have a look at www.relate.org.uk. If you have no joy with this it might be a good idea to have a chat with your GP re cognitive behavioural therapy, sorry, I don't know very much about this but my mum had this knd of therapy for similar things to you (self esteem issues etc) and it did her the power of good. It might be worth googling it.

might actually be worth speaking to a health visitor as they offer all sorts of ways to get round problems. just because he isnt your biological child doesnt mean you wont get help x x

Hi foff always felt like this but gotten worse since having the girls. I was dreading this. Is relate free? I'm skint!

Kitty you've been great

Cheers santasmissy (great nime btw).

I think (don't quote me though) that you can relate cheap/free, though there is a waiting list. Good idea aboit having a word with your HV though (if she isn't a complete dragon like mine was!!).

Good luck with it all - have to go and cook now (groovy) but will keep an eye on this thread. Take care x

Scared to talk to hv in case they think i have problems with my girls.

Hi Santa

I think you just said what a lot of women feel when they become step mothers. It feels like we're missing out on something almost because we weren't the first wife, our babies weren't his first babies.

I think it's ok to feel it - difficult to express it and people rarely understand.

I am pg with my first and it's my dh's 3rd. It has triggered all sorts of emotions which I am ashamed of really. I feel resentment towards his exw and on occasion his other children that they exist and this isn't as new and exciting for him as it is for me.

Just try and remember that his history etc is part of what has made him the man he is today. The man you fell in love with. It may not be perfect but if he'd met you first maybe yr relationship wouldn't have been so strong.

Also ime don't tell him how you feel cos what can they do about it? It is our issue not theirs.