Realized I'm more damaged by abuse than I thought.

[Theodoreb]

It's 5 years on since severely abusive relationship he would beat and rape me, cheat if I dared trying to stand up for myself and keep me awake for days he was a drug addict as was I but when I wanted to come off he wouldn't let me.

I couldn't say no to him cus then I would be punished mercilessly arguing leaving me alone and locking me in for days while he would be out sleeping round, hitting me for daring to say no and raping me whenever he could both vaginally and anally.

Well it's 5 years on and I'm still single, but I have been realizing since that relationship I have serious issues with saying no to anyone. in the start of the relationship I would scream and shout back but at the end I wouldn't do anything but sit there quietly waiting for him to change and decide I'd been punished enough it was easier that way.

I feel like I have no voice now when someone shouts at me I clam up male or female I won't say no and even the thought of saying no to something I really don't want to do makes me have panic attacks.

I'm only just realizing I've changed when a old friend said I shouted at him once and it made me realize I've changed.

How do I get my voice back? How do I start standing up for myself if someone says something mean to me I just sit and take it, and I don't want to be this person anymore. I'm a door mat now I feel like if I say no to my mam even if what she's asking is extremely inconvenient for me I feel frightened I will be abandoned if I say no. Or that she'll be in a mood with me for days so I always say yes and people take advantage of that a lot.

Firstly, fuck that bastard! Secondly, huzzah to you taking that huge and brave step when you left. And thirdly, huzzah to you for realising how you've been affected and deciding to do something about it. I would suggest counselling to try and clear up this residual submissive self protection. (Although I have a friend who swears by self defense classes for giving her her sense of power back.)

Thank you I just called up DART and arranged to do the freedom program. Little anxious I tried once before but it was too raw but it's been 5 years now I think I can do it.

Thank you so much for replying I appreciate it.

So sorry to hear that you have gone through this! And well done for opening up about it! It's such a hard and vulnerable thing to do. I myself was in an abusive relationship which I feel changed me as a person, listening to podcasts about self love and realising narcissistic behaviours have really helped me unpick some of the lessons learned from him. I hope this can help you a little too stay lovely and remember you are amazing x

Huzzah again. Learning to stop using self protection strategies after they are no longer neededis never easy. Those strategies probably kept you alive and allowed you to get through the abuse. Be grateful to them, but it may be time to put them back in their box. Good luck.

I just want to gently ask if saying no to your mam is objectively a safe thing to do? How does she react if you do? Lots of people might be a bit miffed and might be a bit short and it’s entirely understandable that you might be particularly sensitive to that and need to hold the space to be kind to yourself.
Or perhaps your mam’s reaction isn’t great and you do need to be a bit careful. Sometimes we can end up in very abusive situations because we had some dysfunction with our caregivers.
Asking lots of questions like this with a kind of detatched curiosity if you can manage it, is very helpful in understanding what triggers your response, what you are doing when you respond and whether it’s adaptive or not.
A counsellor can help you unpick it.
But please try and be kind to yourself. These are powerful survival techniques and very protective. You don’t need to get rid of these wonderful instincts that kept you alive; you just need to find a way to bring them into balance.

Thanks all I do believe those strategies kept me alive and hurt as little as possible but as you say it's time to put them back in their box.

@thelegohooverer my mum can be difficult sometimes if you say no but it's not just her I don't say no to anyone if someone asks to borrow money I give it even if I don't have it.

Try to find some counselling
You’ve been amazingly strong getting free of him

Maybe one tactic is to say I’ll think about it or I need to check, can I let you know to stall and give you some time to plan your no
Have a few saved on your phone that you can deploy as needed in a text message

@Shoxfordian that's a brilliant idea thank you.

That’s alright
Have a google around the power of saying no as there’s lots of books out there. If you have a close friend you can confide in then maybe she can help you practice saying no as well
Also find a good counsellor and be really really kind to yourself

Google codependency and have a read about it, it’s common where there is an addiction to be codependent. Same kind of thing as people-pleasing, caretaking.

Did he get caught by the police?

Co dependency was certainly a big thing as I have schizoaffective disorder I tend to rely on people to care for me but in the last five years I have learned to care for myself.

No he was never convicted despite two trips to hospital were I was begged to press charges but I was too frightened and I still am now. I just want to live in peace now and be left alone which he is doing now.