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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was my relationship abusive??

4 replies

Aghhhhhhhhhh · 10/02/2021 13:57

I need to ask because it's so different to a past abusive relationship I was in (that one involved physical abuse so I knew it was abusive)

I was with a guy for over 4 years and he left me (again) today. Because I asked him for help as I wasnt feeling well and he said no because it was his lie in, so admittedly I had a go at him, the reason I'm not feeling well is because my medication was delayed with delivery due to the weather and I had gone 3 days without it so the withdrawal was kicking my ass. Anyway he gets up shouting and swearing and banging the doors and broke the toilet seat by slamming it down. He then went back to bed, leaving me to deal with our kids whilst having what can only be described as electric shocks through the brain and feeling really bleughhh. I woke him up again an hour later and essentially begged him to get up, he got up and packed his stuff and left me. He refused to speak to me about anything instead he kept stonewalling me (I belive that's the term) and saying it's my fault because I'm the one who needs the medication etc etc and that I obviously can't cope with my children (which is a lie I can cope 100% with them I just wanted some help from you know their father) he calls me such vile names and he will say something and then later deny that he even said it which then leaves me wondering if I heard him right etc. I don't intend to take him back or anything I just need a handhold because I feel like rubbish. It's my fault for allowing the treatment of myself this way I know that. But I honestly didn't see it til now. I feel so worn out and dragged down by today's events. I should add that whenever he's in a mood it's like being on eggshells, and I'm often left to deal with everything. He will stay in bed until 12pm gone every other day and gets moody if woken up.

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 10/02/2021 14:34

Unfortunately you're right. It is abusive because he is showing a lack of empathy when you need him most. Instead of communicating like an adult, he resorts to slamming doors and breaking things.

Calling you vile names and swearing is verbal abuse. This is very OTT and not normal, respectful behaviour.

Well done for getting rid.

Ruminating2020 · 10/02/2021 14:36

Oh and just because it wasn't physically violent, it doesn't mean it wasn't abusive.

Emotional and mental abuse do not leave visible marks like a bruise, but they can damage your self esteem and mental well-being for a long time.

Itstimetoquit · 10/02/2021 14:39

Yes he is abusive don't let him back in op x

Wanderlusto · 10/02/2021 15:00

Yes.

It's really common for people to think 'well he isnt like the last one so he cant be abusive...'. Abuse comes in many different forms. And none are acceptable.

Keep him gone.

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