Why do some grown men treat their exes so badly ?

Northpole23 · 2021-02-10T13:53:38+00:00

I’m not talking about me personally but yes mine too but but I’ve seen it a lot with other women . Father to the kids, no cheating involved and always respected their ex when together but due to toxic/abusive relationship it ended and still years later call them names, are horrible and just can’t seem to be nice? Even when you don’t say anything back, always polite and fair? Even when both parties have moved on? Is it hard to just be nice

Starlightstarbright1 · 10/02/2021 13:57

I stopped asking why and am glad i can't get in their head.

I do think that avoiding facing responsibility for their own behaviour is a major part.

Ceriane · 10/02/2021 17:24

Jilted John syndrome

scoobydoo1971 · 10/02/2021 18:37

I was dating a man recently. I thought he was nice and we seemed to have so much in common. He didn't talk much about his past. Then he got drunk one night, and the 'real' him turned up...he started talking about past relationships in detail. I was horrified about the names he called the mother of his child, and he went into a rant about his ex partners and wives. Then he started going on about how he had tried cheating on a few of them with their 'gorgeous' friends...I was running right up that hill having heard this. He went on to tell me if I got 'fat' he wouldn't fancy me as that put him right off his ex-wife, and made him fall into the arms of the local bar maid down the pub while wife was at home with their newborn baby...bar maid duly bored him so he dumped her, went off with someone from work which led him to get the sack as boss disapproved, and then someone from the local school where his child attended, before taking his ex-wife back and throwing her out a year later again for being fatter and lazier apparently...a keeper NOT...he was duly dumped the next day when he had sobered up enough to understand that he was a disgusting human being. Lucky escape from pure hell!

BuddhaAtSea · 10/02/2021 19:17

Mine genuinely thinks I’m his forever, to do whatever with. The man is nuts. So not only have I misbehaved by not doing what he told me, I dared to say it’s over. And, and... I moved on! And even then I wouldn’t do what he told me: who to see, what to do, and he felt he must punish me so I learn.
Like, what?!!! What do you mean?????! It’s not NOTHING to do with you anymore.
He still calls me his wife. We’ve been divorced a couple of years!!!

willowmelangell · 10/02/2021 19:43

My theory is, the ex gf and wives know the real man. The behind closed door secrets. This is powerful knowledge. It could ruin a man's reputation. So the man runs a campaign of undermining and harming the woman's reputation so she won't be taken seriously or believed. After a while the man believes his own story.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/02/2021 21:03

@willowmelangell

My theory is, the ex gf and wives know the real man. The behind closed door secrets. This is powerful knowledge. It could ruin a man's reputation. So the man runs a campaign of undermining and harming the woman's reputation so she won't be taken seriously or believed. After a while the man believes his own story.

This. So much this!

Honeyroar · 10/02/2021 21:20

It works both ways. There are a lot of shitty female exes. My husband’s first wife was dreadful at first (she was the one that ran off with another bloke, and had married him before I came on the scene).

Original poster

Northpole23 · 10/02/2021 21:32

@scoobydoo1971

I was dating a man recently. I thought he was nice and we seemed to have so much in common. He didn't talk much about his past. Then he got drunk one night, and the 'real' him turned up...he started talking about past relationships in detail. I was horrified about the names he called the mother of his child, and he went into a rant about his ex partners and wives. Then he started going on about how he had tried cheating on a few of them with their 'gorgeous' friends...I was running right up that hill having heard this. He went on to tell me if I got 'fat' he wouldn't fancy me as that put him right off his ex-wife, and made him fall into the arms of the local bar maid down the pub while wife was at home with their newborn baby...bar maid duly bored him so he dumped her, went off with someone from work which led him to get the sack as boss disapproved, and then someone from the local school where his child attended, before taking his ex-wife back and throwing her out a year later again for being fatter and lazier apparently...a keeper NOT...he was duly dumped the next day when he had sobered up enough to understand that he was a disgusting human being. Lucky escape from pure hell!

Lucky escape!he sounds absolutely vile!

OP posts:

Original poster

Northpole23 · 10/02/2021 21:37

@Honeyroar

It works both ways. There are a lot of shitty female exes. My husband’s first wife was dreadful at first (she was the one that ran off with another bloke, and had married him before I came on the scene).

Yes of course but I’m talking about men here and my ex spoke of his exes like this it should have been a red flag but I thought he was unlucky at the time, he said all his exes either cheated on him or were awful like crazy and depressed 🙄 it wasn’t until about 3 years into the relationship I knew something was very wrong. He was very manipulative, also charming, very nice but the red flags were there and Ignored them. He is what you call covert narc and after it finished some of his own family came out with stuff. If you meet him you wouldn’t know straight away because well we were all awful and the abusers, cheaters or crazy.

I agree with most comments here, they just don’t want to admit their part in it

OP posts:

RedWhineandgo · 10/02/2021 21:40

I had an ex who would slag off his ex wife and the first thing I would ask is why he was happy to leave her with his children if he was so toxic.

There was more to it than that but honestly there was sob stories and stoic responses but it just didn't wash.

Also when he wouldn't 'babysit' his children because his Xw wanted to go out

RedWhineandgo · 10/02/2021 21:41

If "She" was so toxic

StephenBelafonte · 10/02/2021 21:45

@RedWhineandgo - lol that was probably my ex husband. Was happy to work away from home Monday to Friday for 15 years leaving me with 3 kids but the minute I kicked him out he reported me to SS for child abuse

Changedforthisyear · 10/02/2021 21:47

They lose control, they don’t enjoy that, so hate their ex and control anything that’s left. The narrative, child contact etc

Original poster

Northpole23 · 10/02/2021 21:56

@Changedforthisyear

They lose control, they don’t enjoy that, so hate their ex and control anything that’s left. The narrative, child contact etc

It’s like they all read from the same book. They re write history

OP posts:

BumbleFlump · 10/02/2021 22:08

Great thread 😃

This:
I do think that avoiding facing responsibility for their own behaviour is a major part.

And this:
My theory is, the ex gf and wives know the real man. The behind closed door secrets. This is powerful knowledge. It could ruin a man's reputation. So the man runs a campaign of undermining and harming the woman's reputation so she won't be taken seriously or believed. After a while the man believes his own story.

My ex did this to me, it was doubly heartbreaking as he’d also been my friend for 7 years before we got together - such a cruel way to treat someone, and so cowardly not to face up to his role in it all.

Apparently I am depressed, mad, controlling...of course it was basically all my fault. Oh and I have messed up my head because I took LOADS of drugs like 20 years ago 😆 (and his much more recent drug taking is totally irrelevant because it’s ok for him but not for me 🤔)....Of course he doesn’t have a drink prob, disgusting rape-porn habit, he’s a totally cool dude who doesn’t pick fights, my messed-up head was totally nothing to do with 12 years of emotional abuse, projecting and gaslighting but because of course I was a raging druggie 20 years ago🤷🏻‍♀️...he’s conveniently forgotten that we all dabbled a bit in the 90s and I was actually reasonably sensible and in no way the worst!

Crazybirdlady · 10/02/2021 22:09

@willowmelangell

My theory is, the ex gf and wives know the real man. The behind closed door secrets. This is powerful knowledge. It could ruin a man's reputation. So the man runs a campaign of undermining and harming the woman's reputation so she won't be taken seriously or believed. After a while the man believes his own story.

Exactly this. My ex has been stuck in the victim role most of his life. I thought it was just bad luck until I started to see how it went. Something would happen at work, or a disagreement with a family member, he'd twist it so he looked like the victim, keep talking about it and after a short while start to believe his own version. He's very convincing too. He spends a minimal amount of time with dcs but tells everyone that it's because I make it so difficult. And I think he actually believes it. The truth is I spent years trying to get him to see them for a decent amount of time. The thing to remember is that anyone who really knows you won't believe the lies.

BumbleFlump · 11/02/2021 07:54

Crazybirdlady He spends a minimal amount of time with dcs but tells everyone that it's because I make it so difficult....my exH is lithe same...he is supposed to see them one day every weekend but whenever he has time off in school holiday time he NEVER spends any time with them - it makes me so sad for them when I think of all the missed opportunities.

He’s remarried now (no kids yet) and I’m waiting for the day his new wife who has obviously believed it was all my fault finally realises he’s been playing the victim all along.

pointythings · 11/02/2021 08:06

Oh, I recognise this! My late husband wrote a script for himself that made him completely the victim. He drank because I drove him to it. He lost his job because everyone at work was against him, not because he drank at work and didn't do his job properly. Nothing was his fault, the whole world was against him.

The only time he admitted any responsibility was when face to face with his cousins, because they didn't accept the bullshit and had listened to my side of the story. They didn't take sides, they just called him out on the things he'd done.

everythingbackbutyou · 11/02/2021 19:19

Ladies, I have found my people! My ex is exactly like this. He is the victim because I wouldn't play along with the 'Everything is my emotional punching bag, trash can and puppet' game. I still keep my mouth shut to all but a select few because he is a narcissistic piece of shit who has no scruples when it comes to keeping me in my place. @Changedforthisyear sums it up exactly.
@Crazybirdlady, yep, this with the kids. From falling dramatically to the floor, sobbing "Don't take my kids from me", it was an amazingly short journey to dropping them home the SECOND his scheduled time with them is up, and not telling me when a planned trip was cancelled, instead hiding at his girlfriend's house rather than fulfill his weekly contact.

Crazybirdlady · 12/02/2021 00:31

Oh my god yes with the dramatics and 'you'll never stop me seeing MY children'
Eh, no ones stopping you!
I noticed with my ex too that every bad thing he ever did he has twisted it and projected it on to me. It used to really bother me at the start but I really don't care anymore.

rawalpindithelabrador · 12/02/2021 00:39

That's why you run in the opposite direction of anyone who says, 'My ex is psycho.'

Heatherjayne1972 · 12/02/2021 10:35

I agree with the pp. soon as any new man starts with the ‘my ex is a psycho’.

Run.

I think if they faced up to their own faults they’d have to admit they were wrong
And that would never happen

These men are never wrong ( in their own eyes)