It doesn't matter - a friendship thing

[LunaHeather]

This is just a brain dump, no actual question

I just had an email from a sort of friend. I say sort of meaning..l really liked her but she saw me as one of a million options and I know when I'm not wanted, you know?

I haven't heard from her in any meaningful way in about 2.5 years.

No judgement, she had her troubles as we all have. More, in her case.

It was just an odd sensation, seeing her name when previously I missed her a lot but now, no. I nearly cried when I saw it. Then I pulled myself together.

And the questions in her email. The questions you only ask when you haven't been in touch for ages, demonstrating, for me, why friendship can't survive without regular contact.

I realise she might be emailing from boredom, or launching a new venture and softening the ground for wanting help with it.

I shouldn't even give it this headspace. I hear Taylor Swift singing "could have been easy...all you had to do was stay.."

Thanks for listening if you got this far!

Sounds painful and triggering.

Have you decided what you will do?

I think I'm not going to reply

I also think boredom is leading people down paths they haven't really chosen to go.

It's strange..but perhaps good. In the past I would have felt a lot of emotions around this.

I might feel differently if she lived nearby.

Or if she didn't have ten million friends to choose from. Many male admirers and I think she prioritises them.

Obviously I don't know her and the backstory but I've had friends pop up again after several years and after the initial catching up on everything it was as though we'd never been out of touch.

But if you don't like her (you don't seem to) and don't want to be in touch with her then just don't write back and don't overthink it.

@iljatdip

Obviously I don't know her and the backstory but I've had friends pop up again after several years and after the initial catching up on everything it was as though we'd never been out of touch.

But if you don't like her (you don't seem to) and don't want to be in touch with her then just don't write back and don't overthink it.

Oh I bloody love her

But I don't think I was ever on her radar really. Just one option out of hundreds.

Your original friendship sounds like it was quite close? I've had close friends lose touch for a number of reasons and then reappear but here it was one sided I think.

In case anyone reads this

It came to me during yoga.

It's the "why now, when I had almost forgotten", that's so frustrating.

Do/did you have deeper feelings than friendship for her?

I think if you really care for her then why not answer, she might have done a bit of growing up in the time you've been apart and has maybe realised you were a good friend to her. But if you feel you'll be too hurt if that's not the case then I wouldn't risk replying.

dazzling "Do/did you have deeper feelings than friendship for her? "

No. I think for me a friendship is a bigger deal than most as I'm single. I've never been interested in LTRs but a friend for life means a lot to me. Maybe that's just me.

I'm not one for having tons of acquaintances but if friends are ill or need help, I'll be there and vice versa.

In the time I've not heard from her, good friends have moved out of London, and it's been very lonely. I was just settling down. I hate to say the L word but lockdown has changed me so much too.

In general though, an awful lot can happen and some of her questions....it's hard to explain but with that time gap, she's asked about situations that barely seem relevant, or have changed so much, there wouldn't be a way to fill her in.

I read the email once and checked the date - it's like time froze! But yes, it's dated today.

We met through mutual friends - acquaintances - and they told me she was not a consistent person. She attracts a lot of good vibes though.

Thank you, it helps to talk it through with objective people.

@LunaHeather I understand, I'm exactly the same. I have 2 friends lol. I do have more casual friends I suppose but I only really class the ones I have a deep relationship with as my friends.

If you think about it honestly, would you like to be friends with her again? If so, I really think life is too short. If she's still not behaving like a good friend then at least you can walk away knowing you did your best and gave her a chance. If it were me it would probably always play on my mind if I didn't reply and I would always wonder how things could have turned out.

I think I can empathise, OP. I have a similar sounding friend who I haven’t heard from since the start of lockdown. She’s in a country way less affected by Covid and the fact that she hasn’t bothered to check in for all that time seems to be a deal-breaker for me. She recently put a birthday message on my Facebook. She obviously didn’t know that my dad was dying in hospital at that time. I had come off FB so that I didn’t have to reply to birthday messages but she did it as soon as I reactivated. Just awkward.

Sparkling I am sorry for your loss. Does she know now? If so, I hope she has been supportive, or at least tried?

The birthday thing seems odd.

I had an odd thing with a friend in lockdown.She went quiet and would give one word replies to texts etc. It turns out she was having a whale of a time and that's why she was out of touch and not replying fully - and I was suicidal.

I didn't tell her this till recently, it seemed wrong to drag her down. I'm not having a go at her, it just means things aren't likely to go back to how they were. No hard feelings from me if we don't resume the friendship.

dazzling I do have acquaintances but I don't really think about them IYSWIM?

I'll think about what to do, won't rush to reply. I have been trying to work on myself to be more emotionally independent, reading up on Stoicism and Buddhism and finding it all really helpful, glad to say.

It doesn't seem worth rocking the boat of emotional stability, which is a nice boat! Again, it's no hard feelings. Just unsure what to do and how sincere she is.

When you were friends with her before, did she have a close and intense friendship with you, that she later withdrew from? It sounds, from what you say, that she was nice and fun and friendly but just didn't need/want to maintain a close commitment or connection with you. And why should she? People do drift apart and there are "friends for a reason, friends for a season" etc. I have had friends who have wanted more from me than I have wanted to give, and it has made me walk away even more from the friendship. But that doesn't mean I don't think of them, I might well drop a breezy mail to someone I've not contacted in 2 years. I might just want to offer a bit of connection, not some kind of binding contract to be in touch from then on every week. I feel a bit irked on behalf of your friend who I don't think has done anything wrong.

Perhaps your main issue is you are grieving or missing close committed relationships. In our couply type of society these are really hard to establish outside partner relationships- it sucks. I hope you can find your tribe of those who want to share that level of support with you.

Is she about to try and drag you into a MLM, by any chance?

I think you would feel better if you were able to make the choice to block her. She caused you so much pain, and whilst it'll still hurt, at least you will save yourself further hurt by being strung along just long enough to be stung for a set of candles/ketones/vibrators/plastic storage boxes for vibrators.

Sugar "I feel a bit irked on behalf of your friend who I don't think has done anything wrong."

I don't think she has done anything wrong at all! I am not annoyed with her. It was just a very emotional experience for me - not for her obviously.

To answer the first part of your question, no, it wasn't an intense close friendship.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Is she about to try and drag you into a MLM, by any chance?

I think you would feel better if you were able to make the choice to block her. She caused you so much pain, and whilst it'll still hurt, at least you will save yourself further hurt by being strung along just long enough to be stung for a set of candles/ketones/vibrators/plastic storage boxes for vibrators.

😂 MLM seems unlikely but another work venture certainly seems possible.

On the flip side, my industry has gone to shit and a courtesy reply might be a good idea for similar reasons.

Now I'm off to google "ketones"...

It sounds like you both have different approaches to friendships.
E.g. you like friends to be close and supportive, but she likes a wide variety of contacts. Neither is wrong, but to her you might seem intense and to you she she might seem superficial or even hurtful for not being closer.

Your idea of giving a courtesy reply sounds good to me. But be careful not to expect more of her - she doesn’t owe you a close friendship.

"But be careful not to expect more of her - she doesn’t owe you a close friendship."

Of course not, no one owes that to anyone.

@LunaHeather

Sugar "I feel a bit irked on behalf of your friend who I don't think has done anything wrong."

I don't think she has done anything wrong at all! I am not annoyed with her. It was just a very emotional experience for me - not for her obviously.

To answer the first part of your question, no, it wasn't an intense close friendship.

It isn’t clear from your post why it was an emotional experience for you. It sounds like she was just a distant friend or acquaintance.

Yes that's sort of what I meant @IsIgnoranceBliss

I am so sorry to read that you have been suicidal. That’s a v difficult and lonely place to be. It seems you have tried hard to find peace and stability but are you getting professional help? I think that you have great insight and emotional intelligence to know that you need to emotionally protect yourself at this time especially. No one is right or wrong here - maybe it’s just the timing - landing at a vulnerable time for you? And as PP has said you just have different approaches and expectations of how to conduct a friendship?

You have done a good thing to notice how it unsettled you and processed those emotions before deciding how to respond to her. But maybe this is just a little buffeting to tell you that you are maybe a little fragile still and that you need to not expose yourself to challenging situations just yet?

Keep looking inward for your self validation - don’t put in the hands of the external world over which you have zero control.

A lot will have happened in 2.5 years, to her as well as you. Have you heard anything about her personal life during this time? Is it possible that she had struggles of her own to contend with and didn't have the headspace to stay in touch with all her friends? (You've said that she's always had lots of friends, after all.)

I've had friendships drift apart as my life circumstances have changed. I've had health problems which I didn't have 2.5 years ago, and the last year has been particularly brutal, with me suffering from Long Covid.

I'm not up to keeping up contact like I used to be. Whatever emotional energy I have has been taken up with my two adopted DDs (11 and 8) and my DH, as well as family and a couple of close friends.

It needn't be connected with health; she may have had family or relationship problems or work issues. Or anything else that has made staying in touch with all her friends be too much.

Or obviously she may just have drifted away from you. But, unless you know what's been going on in her life through mutual friends, it might be worth finding out?

If it was me, I would reply. It sounds like she's definitely interested in catching up. She's asked questions about your life (albeit not very up to date); she didn't just send you a cheery 'How's it going?' message.

You sound like you've been through a very hard time, so I understand the hurt that she wasn't around. But that's separate from this friendship and it's certainly not her fault.

Are you getting RL support? There is help out there for you to access, via the Community Mental Health Team or through private therapy. And are your family and other friends aware of how tough things have been for you? I'm asking as I have MH issues and I know how hard it can be to ask.

Thank you for the replies

Just to reiterate, I don't think she has done anything wrong. I just felt like posting about my feelings.

Also, I would not have told her about being suicidal. That's only known by the friend who talked me out of it, and a couple of others. I am moving forward happily now.

I'm not going to reply. It's nice to leave the past in the past.