How to cope with living situation with parents

[deyhuggy]

First time poster. Myself, DH and DS1 and DS4 are living with my parents for a few months while our house is being renovated. I don't have a good relationship with my parents and am struggling to cope living with them.

For background, DB and I had a good childhood. They were the type of parents who didn't ever tell us they loved us, they didn't once attend school performances or take an interest in our school lives as kids, display no physical affection etc. But we still had a nice childhood. As an adult with my own family, my relationship with them is strained. Possibly become toxic. For example, while living there, they mostly ignore me - literally don't say hello or goodbye or have a conversation with me. If they do talk to me, it's in a very rude manner. They criticise my parenting behind my back. They berate me for the smallest things ie not washing a plate etc. They don't ever offer to help or support me in any way (not that I would ever ask for help). They are cold, uncommunicative and display mean/petty behaviour. Everyone else gets treated with respect and kindness - they are great with DS's and they like my DH. I've also realised that they clearly favour DB - something I suspected when growing up but have only realised now - they bend over backwards to help him, wait on him hand and foot. (FWIW DB on paper is not as well rounded as me - no job, no career, no partner, has never left home despite being late 30s etc.) They've been like this for a few years but because we don't normally live with them, I've never noticed how bad the relationship has become.

I'm trying to figure out where I went wrong or why they treat me like this. (They offered for us to stay with them for the house reno for what it's worth). They themselves are deeply unhappy together and don't have a loving relationship - so it could be that? It's affecting my mental health living with them - I'm regularly in tears behind closed doors and can't seem to understand why I'm being treated so poorly. DH is very supportive and acknowledges their shitty behaviours towards me. If it were up to me, I'd move out and rent somewhere but DH is not on board with this as it's not financially doable. Trying to think of ways to cope in this sort of environment - we try and spend our weekends away from them doing our own thing as a family. I want my kids to have a relationship with them so I can't go NC or LC with them after we move out. If anything, it's made me realise that I do not want to be like them - I tell my kids every day that I love them and hug and kiss them and try to be present in their lives. I just feel sad that I don't have a good relationship with my own parents.

Can anyone out there give me any advice??

They don't ever offer to help or support me in any way (not that I would ever ask for help).
And yet
(They offered for us to stay with them for the house reno for what it's worth).
That sounds pretty supportive to me.

Its not you, its them. Its not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way with the result being you are blundering about in your own fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Toxic people are generally unhappy but they're using you here as the scapegoat for their inherent ills. You may well have been given material things but emotionally they are bereft and you have suffered as a result.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your role to them appears to be the scapegoat with your brother being the more favoured "golden child". This sort of dysfunctional family is commonly see in narcissistic family structures. I would also think they do not like your DH or DC either and perhaps already favour one of your children over the other.

Although your DH does not think it is financially doable you really do as a family need to move out of their home asap. Its clearly not working, your parents actively ignore you as their now adult daughter and you are becoming increasingly upset as a result. They are absolutely not worth further trashing your mental wellbeing or self worth over.

Re your comment:-
"I want my kids to have a relationship with them so I can't go NC or LC with them after we move out."

Ask yourself precisely why this is; is this coming from a place of FOG - fear, obligation and guilt?. Would you tolerate this from a friend, no likely not. Why would you want your children to have a relationship with such people when they cannot or will not have any sort of a relationship with you as their mother?. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships?. Are you hoping against hope and your childhood experience to the contrary that they will somehow behave better with your children this time around?. Toxic people like this more often than not become toxic as grandparent figures too.

I urge you to have a complete rethink here re your thinking about remaining in contact with them going forward and have a read of the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. You having children also is another reason to stay well away from them, they will do similar harm to them also. It may also be a good idea for you to seek out a BACP registered therapist and one at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

"They offered for us to stay with them for the house reno for what it's worth".

Gifts should come with ribbons, not strings however and there were indeed strings attached to their offer. It was loaded with a whole further heap of obligation.

It does seem to be a supportive gesture on the surface anyway but it really is not in this case. It was done primarily by them to make the OP feel a lot more obligated. Toxic parents use this method also as a means of power and control. Its another example of them saying, "well we've opened up our house for you and your family so you owe us. Look at what we've done for you".

Stop hoping they will be the parents you want them to be as there lies madness. My Mother was a very difficult woman who had a clear favourite. Myself and one other sibling accepted this fact a long time ago as hard as it was. The others never could, it has affected their mental health. I just concentrated on my own family and career.

i know it’s to save money but going to live with them was a mistake if you feel this way. In life all you can do in any situation is monitor and maybe adjust your own feelings about situations. You will never change them and that’s what has affected our other siblings, the hope.

Difficult to comment without hearing their version of events

How do you behave around them? Do you revert to sulky teenager mode? Are you pulling your weight with house work etc while being under their roof?

As an adult it is possible to take some control of the relationship so you can moderate your own behaviour and how you respond to them even though you can't control how they treat you.

You are all adults now and should be respectful and supportive of each other, it's not a one way street where parents must eternally be the ones doing everything for their DC until they become infirm and the rolls suddenly reverse

Your parents will never be the nice kind people you perhaps even now want them to be. Let all hope go that they will say sorry and change. This particular dynamic they have here with you as the scapegoat and your brother as the favoured golden child works for them.

You really do need to move out and into a rental property near your current home as soon as possible. Financial considerations really do not come into it because your mental well being is and will be further trashed here by your toxic parents.

TBH, if your husband is not on board with your renting then he’s not being supportive. I bet if he was the one being emotionally abused he’d be out the door already. Your mental health is not worth the financial gain.

Thanks everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat - I definately agree with the strings attached. Anytime they offer us anything, it comes with consequences. For eg if they offer to wash our car, later on they'll complain that we are too lazy to wash our own car. This is the reason we try not to accept offers of help from them as it ends up in us being criticised. I realise now moving in with them was the biggest mistake and I'm now paying for it.

@Swingometer re pulling out weight - DH and I both work and the DC are in daycare, so we're not around much during the week. We do our own grocery shopping, cook all our own meals separately, do our own laundry etc - we've tried to make our impact on them as minimal as possible. I don't engage with them much because I find it hard to be nice to people who are not nice back to me.

I'm hoping this might be a phase of our relationships (they werent always like this with me) and that when we move out and have more space, the relationship won't be quite as bad. I don't expect them to be perfect or for us to have a great relationship but I think after this, I might go LC with them. They do love my DC and DC adore them so NC is still not an option.

Thanks everyone for your input

Abusive people are not nasty all the time but what you are seeing from them is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. This is not a phase, you are seeing who they have really been all along and they have not changed since your own childhood.

If you find your parents too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, it’s the same deal for your kids as well. I would strongly urge you to keep your kids well away from them going forward. Do not ever leave them alone with your parents. And I am sorry to say this as well but they do not love your children in the ways you think, they see them as a useful source of narcissistic supply.

You all as a family need to move out ASAP, it’s no point trying with people as awful as your parents are. Your mental health trumps financial concerns and your boundaries, already skewed by your parents lack of emotional care for you, are being further mashed by your parents.

OP I feel I don’t “fit” with my family who are alike in their views. I am the difficult one, it’s my role. They live lives that are one thing on the surface and another underneath, they present a view of themselves to the world which is different on the inside. I don’t like and don’t go along with that.

I have always thought it was me, my fault I was somehow the outsider, my imperfections caused and perpetuated that. But counselling and age are helping me understand that it isn’t me, I am not inadequate (work in progress for sure!) and I’m not difficult, I’m just not like them and they don’t understand how I work. It’s easier to disapprove of me than to question their own beliefs and choices.

What I’m saying is, you may have done nothing wrong, this may not be about you. It’s hard to see it that way I know, because it means challenging all the things you have been taught, but that doesn’t make it less true.