Erectile Dysfunction :(

[Newschapter]

Hi, we've been married for 23 years, two kids in their late teens.

Dh has been having issues for about two years now.

At the start it was ok, we brushed it off as it being too early in the morning, too late at night, too much to drink, the kids were still up and about... You get the idea.

I was always as understanding as I could and we cuddled etc and tried again another time.

But recently it's happening more and more.

Again he says it's his age, we're not as young as we used to be (he's 45, I'm 40) but I'd like to think our sex life wasn't over!!

We've talked it over, he says he doesn't really want to go to the doctor, he says I always reach climax, he says he needs to lose weight and drink less (which he does but never makes any effort to do) and then I feel like he doesn't want to make those small changes so it makes me angry.

He does work out though, he just also eats too much.

When we try to have sex he sometimes rushes it before it "goes away" which means I'm not always ready and it's like being with a teenager again.

Yes, I do feel it reflects on me too, I worry if he fancies me, (though he does tell me I'm beautiful, sexy etc, he holds my hand and puts his arm around me when we sit together, he hugs, kisses etc after work)

We've had a chat about porn use (he used to when younger but says it's not a thing these days and I believe him) and about affairs (he just rolls his eyes, he's always at work or at home, he works with all men and gets a lift to and from work) plus I trust him and I don't think there's anything like that going on.

It's more frustrating - for both of us, I have researched online and the last few times he's initiated, I've told him to relax, let's just play about, not have full sex but some fun and it was ok a few times but I also want proper sex again at some point??

I don't know what advice I want really, I just needed to write this down somewhere. He won't go to the doctor either and with the pandemic they're just seeing emergency cases anyway ...

Need to go dr could be quite a few physical things . And at least the dr can tell about the best pills fo take even if he has buy them .

You can just get Viagra OTC now, you know. Order it online or walk into a pharmacy.

The question AFAIK is generally, does he get morning wood and/or does he get properly hard at times? If so it suggests the issue is at least partly psychological, if he doesn't then it may be a circulatory issue and need general health and medical attention.

The broader relationship question is whether he pays attention to your needs as well or whether it's all about him. I don't think he can just unilaterally say he's not going to a doctor and also not losing weight or drinking less when it affects you too. You've compromised and made allowances, so must he.

@Respectabitch yes, he does still get hard. I think at times he tries to hold back and it disappears.

Also I know he worries about it which also doesn't help.

He does look after my needs, like I said before, I do climax but I will also admit to feeling shit, unsexy and like I don't turn him on, which he said was unfair to say to him as he was worried about it enough without me adding pressure.

I've been furloughed, he's still working, we don't have pressures on us, I know he currently has some work issues but they weren't there two years ago when this begin.

And it's not every time, he can still have sex say once then later in the week he'll be hard during foreplay but by the time of penetration it'll be soft.

It makes me not even want to start to make love - I know that sounds harsh. I try to look after myself, I exercise, eat well, shower daily, dress nice etc and he does tell me I look lovely etc but then we go to bed and.. well, nothing?

I feel for him, it's bound to be annoying for him, it's also annoying for me 😞

I don't just mean does he take care of your needs and make sure that you get off in bed, TBH (although that definitely matters). I realise I could have phrased that better. I mean that your sex life affects you both and so does this, so you have to communicate as a team to solve it and consider potential fixes. He can't just unilaterally shut them all down.

It is hard because I doubt it's about his attraction to you - if he's stayed attracted to you for two decades he probably hadn't stopped now, and in fact his desire to please and satisfy you is probably adding to his nerves.

How do you feel about trying Viagra a few times? It might break through the vicious cycle of nerves a bit. If he won't consider that, I think you really have to have a "cards on the table" open conversation where you both talk honestly about your experiences of this and how it affects you, and what you do next. Btw most GPs are still doing phone appointments - mine certainly is - so don't assume that you can't talk to a doctor. A GP has heard this issue literally a billion times, it's not at all salacious or funny to them, they just check health and see if they can help you. Good luck.

From what we have found out (my partner, same age, has the same problem), it's helpful to know if it's physical or mental issue. If he is getting morning glory then it is likely to be linked to whats going on in his subconcious, and not physical. If it is physical it's good to get checked out (I know you say he wont go to the doc) or at the very least address the things it could be like weight or stress etc. Viagra is only effective with some people and you have to not drink etc. It's just a sticking plaster and not a solution.

Oops i pressed send too soon! But the good news is that it's really common, espeically with his age and if he is a bit overweight etc. It must be really hard for you if he wont see a doctor. As the issue in itself could be playing on his mind and having even more effect.

We haven't worked out the answer yet either. I really feel for my partner as he doesn't get what he needs. But it is starting to grate on me a little too!! Good luck and sending positivity

Don't buy the over the counter ones, so much cheaper from Oxford Pharmacy Online. £5 pound a pop in the chemists less than half of that for the generic equivalent.

We men have a complex relationship with our dicks, contrary to most women’s ideas and beliefs. Generally, most men’s emotional and mental state play a huge role in our dicks functionality.

Strangely, mirroring a woman’s sexual psyche, lol.

And most men, at some point in their lives will experience some degree of ED.

After a traumatic divorce in my early thirties following my wife’s affair, I had ‘ trouble ‘ with getting wood for several months because my confidence was shot.

There can be a myriad of reasons why your husband is suffering some ED........

But it can be a vicious circle. You ‘ flop ‘ a couple of times, your partner makes a joke or a comment and it lodges into your subconsciousness.

Some women take it as an insult if their partner takes or used viagra, which is really silly. Like most older men, I’ll take it occasionally if I’m tired, or stressed or not in the mood, but my partner is. I look at it as a sexual vitamin or protein pill. It really shouldn’t be a big deal.

Apart from a medical condition, the other biggest erection ‘ killer ‘ is pressure.

Take the pressure off. Set time aside when the teenagers are out of the way for some ‘ sensual ‘ time with the absolute understanding that the focus or end result is NOT intercourse or penetration just closeness and intimacy.

I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

DH has been having problems with ED for the last year. He is nearly 60 and a smoker so prime candidate. I have been going through the menopause so sex had been on the back burner but having lost weight and destressed I have my “mojo” back. It happened once and knocked his confidence and it has become a bit of a recurrent problem. It has not been helped by a lockdown crush on an ancient ex he reconnected with, guilt I suppose.
We have been able to discuss it and work through it despite all the upheaval of the pandemic. It is mostly psychological, a bit of stage fright with regard to teenagers in the house 24/7, but medication has helped with his confidence. I think being open and honest about it helps tremendously. We have discovered a whole new side to our sex life as a result. Talking about it is actually a great aphrodisiac and often ends up with spontaneous sex. You just have to be a little more patient and inventive. Extended foreplay helps and takes the pressure off the expectation of extended penetrative sex.
Taldalafil is a better drug than Viagra as it’s effects last over 24hrs rather than having to plan for sex within a few hours of taking the tablet. DH has had less side effects than with Viagra.

Hi all, thanks for the advice.

We've tried again a few times from I last posted.

I told him on the first occasion we didn't need to go far, I just wanted him to relax. We could just cuddle or go as far as he wanted, I just wanted to feel close to him.

He did ejaculate but we didn't have sex - he climaxed as soon as I started to touch him.

A couple of nights later the same thing happened (without warning). He laughed about it and said I just turn him on so much he couldn't help it.

Then over the weekend I was almost sleeping and he made a move, I just went with it but as soon as I reached to touch him he got a leg cramp and had to get out of bed.

By the time that was eased I just couldn't be arsed anymore. I said forget about it tonight, I'm tired now, let's cuddle - he got angry saying I was accusing him of faking the leg cramp I didn't accuse him, he often has them, I just was pissed off with it all.

Although I have said it's ok, the main thing is we're still spending time together, I am frustrated.

One teenager is never not there. He still lives at home and is here constantly. Husband had been off a few weeks which meant we had a bit more time but now he's back on night shifts which means we won't sleep together through the week.

He doesn't want to try any pills as there's a history of heart attacks in his family. 🤷‍♀️

I adore him, he loves me - I feel so sad.

I had a chat with him at the weekend about cutting down on alcohol, he said he deserves a drink at the weekend after being on shifts all week. I mentioned losing weight, he said he'd try, but then landed home with a cake and packet of buns.

I feel like he doesn't care. I'm sorry if I sound huffy or spoilt, I'm genuinely not. I just want him to make love to me normally, not in a rush before it disappears again, or not like a teenager.

OP - ED can be a sign of high blood pressure .
He needs to get this checked .
Especially if he has a family history of heart attacks!

@peridito

OP - ED can be a sign of high blood pressure . He needs to get this checked . Especially if he has a family history of heart attacks!

Thank you. I'll mention that to him.

Sending you hugs newschapter. It sounds like a really hard time for you - good to get the frustration out in writing. The main thing is that you love each other. That is wonderful, and precious.

Things change all the time, he may find the moment that he is ready to sort his health out. It does sound like he ought to get checked up. Perhaps he is jumpy with you as he knows that is what he needs to do deep down. My best mates partner of 18 years has always been a drinker and doesn't do exercise, somehow a few months ago something just clicked and suddenly decided he needed to sort it out. He's stuck to a diet and has already gone down 3stone from 20 so far.
She is baffled, but thrilled. I guess we all just have to be ready or something. Sending love

Sorry, it's me again.

Thank you for all the advice and for listening to me.

It was no better at the weekend.

We were getting into it and he just wasn't hard. I said look will we just cuddle? Will we stop?

He started saying I was putting pressure on him, I said I wasn't, I was trying to do the opposite. (It felt totally humiliating actually, but I am sure it was no bag of fun for him either)

He asked me to let him keep going (I am sorry, I hate writing about sex, though I'm not a prude, I just feel I need to explain properly) I said I didn't want to keep going when it was clear nothing was happening for him, I'd rather we just cuddled etc.

So he asked if he could go down on me as that always gets him going. So anyway, I finished and he wasn't even hard, but still, he tried with a half flaccid penis.. and he kept going until he came.. he said "sorry, I just used you there" and for some reason I cried.

I went to the bathroom and when I got into bed he was annoyed with me. He said I made him feel bad and all he wanted was to make me happy and couldn't understand why I was crying. (It was actually because he said sorry, I just used you... What does that mean?)

And what I don't understand and what is making me increasingly angry and frustrated that he is still touching me all the time, rubbing my bum and this evening after he showered and I was changing into my PJs he had a quick grope (not pervy, like a cuddle type way) but why does he do this type of stuff, so that I might expect sex and we know that in recent times it hasn't been good.

I find myself cross at him and at myself for being cross at him!!

On Sunday when he got up it was awkward.

Fuck it, I dunno where to go from here. I feel like saying to him don't touch me, don't try to have sex with me cos I am only getting more frustrated.

And I know how wrong that is, believe me.

Sexual health is so important and I will never understand the reluctance of some men to see a doctor. That in itself, rather than the ED, would be a deal breaker for me.

As for the age thing, I’m early 40s and had very good sex with people older than him.

You have done all you can to try and help.

It's sounds like you're putting way too much pressure on him. By saying let's stop and cuddle you think you're being supportive but he hears it that he's not performing and then it becomes even harder for him as he tries even harder and feels he's failed you.

As you've already had many discussions and he knows how frustrated you both are it's going to be pretty hard to now just try to have fun without both of you knowing what a big issue it is.

It sounds as though he loves you and fancies you. He may have had a patch where he suffered from ED and now it's become a cycle that the more he tries the less he can as he's feeling so much pressure to get it right.

Could you try not focusing much on him much at all. Not for a few nights but a few weeks/months. Buy some new toys, have fun together, if he's hard then enjoy it. A cock ring could help keep the blood flow there but no pressure, if it doesn't work you can still do other things. Eventually, with you really not focussing on it you'll probably find his erection comes back on its own. But it may be a few months.

@manyhorror

I never thought about it that way, i just felt that by saying that it was me giving him the option to stop if he wanted? I'm not sure how I would feel with sex being all one sided and ignoring him? But I would try it if it might help. Right now I just don't really want to start it, I feel shit and I am sure he does too.

Food for thought, thank you.

We're not into toys, it's just not something we've ever done? I did have a vibrator once but I didn't really like it.

@StarlightLady thank you, I do feel he needs to go to the doctor. He had sore joints about a year ago and as a relative of his is crippled with arthritis I asked him to see the doctor.

He didn't. He bought men's health vitamins instead. And took them for about two weeks.

And I noticed last night they were back at the front of the medicine cupboard, so maybe he's thinking they'll help this also? 🤷‍♀️

@Newschapter

It sounds really tough. I'm sorry you guys are struggling. It is interesting to see what you write here and how you are explaining it to us. Have you both sat down and had a really open chat about this when you are not trying to have sex? You seem able to explain to the forum what you are thinking and feeling but perhaps not saying these things to him? For example you say

"...he couldn't understand why I was crying. (It was actually because he said sorry, I just used you... What does that mean?)"

Did you say the bit in brakets to him? I can understand why that would have made you upset. It sounds like he is trying to do the right thing, and so are you, but actually you are just both walking on egg shells and not really sharing how you actually feel.

There is a clearly a lot of love there from both sides. You can work with out for sure. He is obviously stressing deep down about the fact he can't get hard and it's messing with his head. I really recommend sitting down and talking about it, even if that isn't something that seems normal. It's so important.

Right now you are feeling shit, he is feeling shit, but the great news is... you both want the other to be happy!! There is a lot of bright light at the end of this tricky tunnel you are in.

But yes, first step his health.
Good luck and best wishes to you guys

Erectile Dysfunction
My husband age 46 started suffering from this 2 years ago and has used viagra since. Recently I have been made aware of porn use. He is able to maintain and erection and climax to porn without viagra but needs the pills to have sex with me? I need advice please as this is destroying me ☹️

He doesn't want to try any pills as there's a history of heart attacks in his family

He absolutely needs to see a Doctor, ED is a early warning sign of heart and circulatory issues in men.

Ok. Guy here. Both of you are looking at every detail of this microscopically. You both need to relax. You need to not really say too much at all, no complaining, explaining, minimising just reassurance.
His penis is not working so he needs to find out if thats physical or psychological but first of all both of you are communicating from a place of over sensitivity and tension. Have all kinds of erotic moments but no pressured penetrative sex- thats his trigger now so avoid it, so try hand jobs, oral, massage etc. Whatever. If he cums too early just enjoy it. Its not the end of the world. This is where fantasy etc helps. Then, once relaxed for a few weeks get him to a GP if it still persists. Most men only believe sex is sex if you go for ages and climax lots at the end- if thats his map then there are bound to be issues.

It's been a year since OP last posted.

Might want to knock this thread on the head.

I know this problem too well. My husband had the same issue a long time ago, we started taking cobra 120mg seiengesund.de/shop/viagra/cobra-120mg-kaufen-rezeptfrei-bestellen/, it helped a lot.