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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just looking for advice on how to talk to almost 5 year old daughter about not seeing her daddy?

18 replies

Fightingback16 · 10/02/2021 08:39

Hi, I’ve posted a lot over the year or so.

Abusive 10 year marriage. Daughter hasn’t seen her daddy since December 2019. Court yesterday delayed this further due to the abuse, so next hearing is 15th June in which time he has been ordered to attend anger management and a perpetrators course and section 7 report. Managed to avoid a fact finding trial as he admitted mostly and the judge believed my Scott schedule. She said fact finding not needed as it won’t make someone have insight into what they have done. So he did admit but blamed me and had excuses which didn’t go down well, hence the court ordered courses.

The judge actually turned to me and said you must have been extremely scared, I would have been terrified, to which I cried. Then turned to him and gave him a stern talking to...comply or you will get know where. She said if he shows no insight he will not be accepted on the course and he won’t see his daughter...sad really.

At the moment he is allowed non direct so can send her a letter and photos and visa versa once a month...which he doesn’t do.

So really what do I say to my daughter, how do I explain to her what’s happening. She asks about him and I find myself stuttering. I tend to say mummy had to get help so that it is safe for her. She is a very happy little girl in general but every now and again will say where is my daddy, everyone else has a mummy and a daddy. I want mummy and daddy to live together. I tell her she does have a daddy and that mummy can’t live with daddy but mummy loves her very much because she is a lovely girl.

OP posts:

MaryIsA · 10/02/2021 08:40

I’m so sorry. That sounds so brave of you. Does women’s aid give advice on this?

namitynamechange · 10/02/2021 10:07

Can you try more generally talking about different types of families. Eg some children have a mummy and a daddy that live together, some children have a mummy and a daddy that live in diferent houses, some children have two mummies, some have two daddies, some have just a mummy or just a daddy etc etc. As she gets older she will start to have more friends/people in her social circle with different family structures (partly because your social circle will expand but also because more relationships break down over time). So you will have more examples to point out "e.g. John lives with just his mummy, Sarahs mummy and dady live in different houses" etc.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/02/2021 19:45

@namitynamechange

I think this is really thoughtful and sensible advice. FWIW you sound lovely and your little girl is lucky her mummy is keeping her safe

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 10/02/2021 20:27

Yes I have said this to her about different families. I was more looking for what to say about where is my daddy?

The court has ordered non direct so one photo and letter a month until June. What do I say to her about what’s happening and why she has a letter and can’t see him because she obviously wants to see him and asks and I kinda freeze a little. I don’t know really how to explain what’s happening.

OP posts:

category12 · 10/02/2021 20:42

Can you access any pastoral support from her school or social services?

Maybe tell her a child-friendly version of the truth - "daddy isn't allowed to see you because he's been unkind and the judge wants him to do some lessons first, but he's allowed to send you letters. Do you want to read one of his letters now, or shall we decide what to have for tea/play with toy/do some drawing". And distract and divert her where you can?

Terminallysleepdeprived · 10/02/2021 20:48

@category12

Can you access any pastoral support from her school or social services?

This is exactly what I was going to suggest.

5 year old are resilient but she will know if you lie so give her a watered down version of the truth.

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 10/02/2021 20:49

I have spoken to the school but not really had much help. Not had any support from cafcass so far. Feel a little unsupported at the moment especially with court etc. My local domestic abuse charity who have helped me in the past not currently operating so going it alone, well with the help of a lovely but expensive solicitor but they no emotional support really.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/02/2021 20:50

@category12

Can you access any pastoral support from her school or social services?

This sounds like a really nice and gentle way of explaining it to your little girl

still1414141 · 10/02/2021 20:56

OP I am not sure I am reading this right, but basically her father is physically dangerous and the court has said only non direct contact is allowed, but her father isn't actually taking advantage of this and isn't writing letters or sending things, is that right? What is likely to happen going forward, will her father have to prove that he has changed sufficiently to allow direct contact, and you think that it is unlikely to happen? If so I think you need to find a way of explaining to your dd that although you know it is very hard for her, she will not be able to see her father for a long time, she may not hear from him, you are not sure, explain why in child appropriate terms, and support her with her feelings about it all this over time. It is a heartbreaking tragedy for her, and you can't change it. But you can support her with it and help her come to terms with it and be happy notwithstanding.

I think you need to sit down and think very hard about the words you can use to explain why, basically - depending on what has happened, why he is how is, why it has happened, what your dd is like, these things we cannot help with. If you are really struggling you could get some advice from, for example, a psychologist.

still1414141 · 11/02/2021 20:38

I meant to also say, I am close to someone dealing with something similar and so I hope you are able to find emotional support. I am sorry, my post probably came across as quite unfeeling.

EarthSight · 11/02/2021 21:34

Your post made me cry. I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. I don't have children so I felt helpless to advise you, but I think that maybe a combination of suggestions here would be good. Introduce her to different types of families. Tell her her that just because a child has two parents doesn't mean they are happy, but she has the right to feel like she wants a Daddy too, and that you understand why she feels like that. Tell her that you can't really tell her everything because you don't think she will really understand everything now, but you'll be happy to tell her more when she's a grown up. Maybe say that her Daddy needs to have classes on how to be a kind to other people, and that it's better for her too if he completes them before contacting her.

LivingDeadDoll · 12/02/2021 07:18

I get it, OP.

Other posters' suggestions of talking about different families is all very well intended but doesn't answer her question of where her daddy went or why her family changed.

Personally, I think she needs some sort of social story that explains that some people are on our team and some people aren't on our team and choose not to be and that means those people aren't part of our lives. That there are all.sorts of rules that decide whether someone is on outlr team or not. Liken it to rules she has to follow - eg putting a coat on to go outside. If she doesnt follow that rule, she can't go outside when it's cold.

Sadly, her daddy is someone who doesn't follow the rules and so he doesn't live with her/you both.

It's sad because he could do things to change this and be part of your team but he chooses not to and that means that it isnt safe to have him.on your team.

Just like at school/nursery etc - if someone wants to join in your game, they have to follow the rules and play nicely. If they don't, you dont want them to play. Daddy wasnt playing by the rules or playing nicely.

Some people have said they will help him to play by the rules better but he isnt listening to them at the moment.

IME, the best thing you can do is keep it as close to the truth but in appropriate language that she will understand. That way, as she grows, that story will become explained differently rather than change. It's also important not to say things like 'Daddy is ill' because you dont want her to feel sorry for him.

These are choices he is making.

Ilovethewild · 12/02/2021 07:26

Op, these questions will continue and I urge you to remember that’s kids blame themselves, whatever they are told, so please keep it open and as truthful as you can. Less about keeping you safe, more about daddy finds it hard to be good/kind etc.

‘daddy finds it hard to look after you, finds it hard to be a daddy, wasn’t a good daddy so isn’t allowed to hurt us anymore....so Mummy will always look after you, but here’s a photo of him if you want to see’. Here’s a letter, we can write to him...

That sense of self, of belonging, of knowing where we come from is strong and you both have years of Father’s Day, books about dads, sports days fathers run, etc to navigate.
So glad you are safe

Some good child friendly advice from others, good luck

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 12/02/2021 09:52

So sad, I hope she doesn’t ever blame herself. I left so she would have a better life not a life carrying the burden of this. It’s entirely his fault.

OP posts:

Embracelife · 13/02/2021 10:52

Think of it as a bereavement for her...she has "lost" a parent....seek professional support talk through yourself wirh family therapist or psychologist in some places you can call to talk with someone.
If she isnt distreesssed or anxious she doesnt need support just yet but it could be play therapist etc
But you can seek support for you and talk through what happened and strategies for telling dd

Seatime · 13/02/2021 11:22

Dorothy Rowe the psychologist said it is important to tell children the truth, so that they can deal with the situation realistically and think it through. Rowe said, make the information appropriate for the age of the child, so that they can understand it. Writing out a script might help you clarify it, simplify it. Calling a women's or children's helpline and reading out the script may help you see what is best to say. The main thing is not to lie, so she won't grow up with confusion around it. I can hear the love you have for her. Children only need one solid person and she has you.

boomoohoo · 13/02/2021 13:35

Hi op,
Some lovely advice on here, as a previous poster said, it is like a bereavement for her. You sound very loving too, she is lucky to have you to protect her. If a section 7 report has been instructed then social services will be the ones carrying it out.. and they can help with how to talk to your daughter too

Orcadianrythyms · 13/02/2021 14:11

Nothing to add to the great advice you've been given here but you sound like a brilliant mum doing her very best in an extremely difficult situation. Your love and support and the steps you've taken to keep you both safe will make such a difference to her happiness and future.

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