Not new to mums net but have name changed for this . It's along read so I appreciate everyone who manages to get to the bottom of my post .
The reason I'm writing this is because I am pretty much at my wits end with the way I am feeling .
I was with my ex for 10 years and he had a porn addiction . Wouldn't sleep with me for months on end . Would say it's because I was fat and ugly and would be up in my face saying I turn him sick . He would then go down stairs and wank off to porn . I would find it everywhere . He used to hide dvds in random places too . I would find tissues , socks the lot 🤢. This knocked my confidence so bad and it led to anxiety which got me hospitalised . I was a mess for ages because of it . He promised to change and I believe him . I then got pregnant and we were both so happy and excited at this point . I was going to the hospital for a check up where they told me I had chlamydia. I hadn't slept with anyone but him so knew he had been cheating .
I broke down went to the car and told him . He went nuts accusing me. On the way home he went to fill up the car and I went in the glove box for some tissues. I then spotted a phone . A secret phone . Went on there and it was full of porn . Messages to his friends asking for me photos and then videos and photos of people I actually thought were my friends naked and doing things in videos ! It ruined me . I had an abortion after this . He had the nerve to say to me when I lost went mad to calm down as it wasn't good for the baby 😳. Again after all this I was a mess . Hated myself , the way I looked ect so I started self harming and was making my self sick after eating . Now I know it was a control thing . The only time I felt in control of my life . Also I done it to punish my self too .
I went back to hospital and they tried to help but obviously I never told them what was happening so they couldn't help me . After all this I started to get really anxious when sex scenes would come on the tv . It would make me feel like I was having a panic attack . So I would avoid anything with sex in .
I left my partner after finding more porn
A few months later I met somone else who was amazing with me after me telling him my issues and worries . He reassured me he wouldn't put me through anything me ex had and he didn't . I was an anxious less at the beginning but it all stopped and I was happy . We ended after two years because of how damaged I still was . I was a nice person before my ex but he had turned me in to a person I never want to be again . I went from a trusting kind person to mean and constantly thinking he was lying about everything . I then met the person I am still with now . I have been with him going on ten years . I told him about the things that I had been through but stayed from the very beginning I couldn't deal with porn in the relationship. He said he didn't watch it . A few months in and I was happy . My anxiety died down a bit and I thought I will trust him . A noticed there was porn on his social media and it started me feeling the way I used to but that's social media for you . Then I would notice he was following account of half naked women and it all came back . I started to get very nervous and untrusting . We had an argument about it and I think he unfollowed them .
A few years went by and I was ok not worried at all about porn that much then one day he was working nights and I was on the iPad and there it was . Porn hub . I literally couldn't believe what he was seeing . I was devastated. Confronted him and he denied it but eventually admitted it . To this day I still can't get over it . It's ruined my trust in him. Everything I went through and felt all them years ago came back.
I trusted him and he threw it all away . My anxiety came back and it's not gone away . 3 years later . I woke up one night with anxiety in my private area . I have found out it's restless genital disorder caused by stress and it could be life long . I now can't watch any sex scenes at all because it starts it off . I even have to look on parental guide on everything I watch because I'm petrified of seeing sex or naked bodies on tv . There was an episode then of him hiding his phone changing his passcode and I find out he is being sent shit loads of porn real degreading photos of women from his boss of all people . He promised me this would not happen again . So as you can imagine that added to everything too especially with what my ex was doing .
My anxiety down there has gotten to bad that I finally found the courage to tell a doctor . I am seeing a councillor and under the mental health team and they said it's ptsd through everything I have been through . I am ever starting to get a phobia with having sex with my partner because it makes me feel anxious . I am so scared I'm going to be like this forever . I see so many posts on here about women who are feeling sad because they found porn on their partners phones the men say it's just what men do and no it's not ! Decent men don't do it to you .
I am just wondering if anyone has been through this before and have they got better ? I want to be able to go out when lockdown is over on my own or over night with out not having a life because I am petrified my partner is watching porn . It's basically took over my life . I am on tablets to try to help me but it's not working .
Thankyou all for reading