Not new to mums net but have name changed for this . It's along read so I appreciate everyone who manages to get to the bottom of my post .
The reason I'm writing this is because I am pretty much at my wits end with the way I am feeling .
I was with my ex for 10 years and he had a porn addiction . Wouldn't sleep with me for months on end . Would say it's because I was fat and ugly and would be up in my face saying I turn him sick . He would then go down stairs and wank off to porn . I would find it everywhere . He used to hide dvds in random places too . I would find tissues , socks the lot 🤢. This knocked my confidence so bad and it led to anxiety which got me hospitalised . I was a mess for ages because of it . He promised to change and I believe him . I then got pregnant and we were both so happy and excited at this point . I was going to the hospital for a check up where they told me I had chlamydia. I hadn't slept with anyone but him so knew he had been cheating .
I broke down went to the car and told him . He went nuts accusing me. On the way home he went to fill up the car and I went in the glove box for some tissues. I then spotted a phone . A secret phone . Went on there and it was full of porn . Messages to his friends asking for me photos and then videos and photos of people I actually thought were my friends naked and doing things in videos ! It ruined me . I had an abortion after this . He had the nerve to say to me when I lost went mad to calm down as it wasn't good for the baby 😳. Again after all this I was a mess . Hated myself , the way I looked ect so I started self harming and was making my self sick after eating . Now I know it was a control thing . The only time I felt in control of my life . Also I done it to punish my self too .
I went back to hospital and they tried to help but obviously I never told them what was happening so they couldn't help me . After all this I started to get really anxious when sex scenes would come on the tv . It would make me feel like I was having a panic attack . So I would avoid anything with sex in .
I left my partner after finding more porn
A few months later I met somone else who was amazing with me after me telling him my issues and worries . He reassured me he wouldn't put me through anything me ex had and he didn't . I was an anxious less at the beginning but it all stopped and I was happy . We ended after two years because of how damaged I still was . I was a nice person before my ex but he had turned me in to a person I never want to be again . I went from a trusting kind person to mean and constantly thinking he was lying about everything . I then met the person I am still with now . I have been with him going on ten years . I told him about the things that I had been through but stayed from the very beginning I couldn't deal with porn in the relationship. He said he didn't watch it . A few months in and I was happy . My anxiety died down a bit and I thought I will trust him . A noticed there was porn on his social media and it started me feeling the way I used to but that's social media for you . Then I would notice he was following account of half naked women and it all came back . I started to get very nervous and untrusting . We had an argument about it and I think he unfollowed them .
A few years went by and I was ok not worried at all about porn that much