Calling all Narcissist experts. How to get them to leave you alone.

[anotherglassofred]

I had an affair some time ago which I deeply regret. My husband knows and so does my affair partners wife. I am working through it all with my husband and we are getting there. Please no abuse as I know that I made a terrible mistake and am trying to get back to the person I used to be.

I was completely taken in by a textbook narc and I had no idea. The devaluation phase then started and he then did everything in his power to be as cruel as possible to his own family and to mine. Adding further and unnecessary distress to a bad situation is something he actually seems to enjoy. He has gone to great lengths I would never have imagined possible to cause hurt.

I ended things because of all the things he said and did, the verbal abuse chipped away and pretty much destroyed me to the point I became a shadow of the person I was before I met him. I had never encountered anybody before that purposely made me feel so bad about myself. Then there was the stalking, threats, non stop messages and withheld calls. I started researching his personality traits and realised the whole narcissistic thing was exactly him to a tee.

His behaviour became more and more erratic until I told him I didn’t want to ever hear from him again. But here is the problem. He won’t go away.

I generally don’t block anyone but he became so evil I had no choice. Shaming me to people he didn’t even know with intent to cause distress. Contacting my young daughter in such a way that upset her as she found it really creepy. Trying to contact my husband on our anniversary. I have blocked him on all social media, my phone and my husband’s phone. I have even blocked his young son because he would use his phone to try and get in touch. And wonder why I didn’t reply.

His only way of contacting me is by email. I can’t change my email address as I need it professionally. Every few weeks I get an email asking me to contact him because he has ‘things to discuss’. I never reply. But it is so unsettling because past experience tells me he will do anything to hurt anyone. Nobody is off limits. He is very jealous and I don’t want him causing any more upset to my family as we just want to move forward.

I know that narcissists can hoover forever. Anyone been in a similar situation? Do I just continue to ignore the emails? Or I could email him and copy his wife in asking him to stop trying to contact me? Just that one sentence. But that could break their marriage forever and I don’t feel I can do that to her as she has been through enough. But I can’t be constantly worried for the rest of my life whether he will ever leave me alone either.

Act boring & vague

Grey rock them

Do not contact, under any circumstances. Create a new email address - forward all his emails to that account. Change the password to something complicated and don't save it. Never check the account again.

Pretend he doesn't exist. Do not engage, ever.

I'm not really understanding the need to label him a narc. I mean, there's more to being narccesistic than being obsessive and mean.

He clearly didn't want the affair to end. How long ago did it end?

There's no big deal in blocking people and unwanted communication. Of course you should have blocked him and his family, I'm surprised your husband didn't demand that to start with tbh.

Block his email address. Change number if you have to (he can easily buy a new phone or sim to contact you on).

If it gets to the point where you feel unsafe and he's not backing off then contact the police.

Delete and block him on everything. Never ever respond. Hell see any contact as an opportunity to pull you back into the dramas.

Block his email address.

Change yours. I know you say you need it professionally but can you ask your company to change it? Do not respond and if he continues to make unwanted contact report him to the police

You can block email addresses on Gmail, I'm sure it will be possible with other email providers too.

I would keep track of all contact and if he doesn't stop, inform him that you will be contacting the police if you hear from him again. There was no affair but I had a relationship with a man who behaved like this and harassed me when I ended it. Mentioning the police worked for me, though in my situation he had been making threats. I didn't hear anymore after that for at least 6 months. When he got back in touch after the 6 months, he was trying to make general conversation. I acted disinterested and neutral. He came back a couple of times after that (kept finding different methods to contact me), but eventually seemed to get bored and went away and I've heard nothing for nearly two years now.

Also with your email address - if you work for a company can you tell them you are being harassed by a stalker and would like it to be changed? Perhaps not possible if you have your own business and customers are aware of your email address or something - though maybe you can alert them all of a change and for the first few months you could set all mail to forward to your new address?

Many good suggestions about redirecting mail, and approaching your employer to change your email address on grounds that you are being stalked.

You can also send him a short, sharp email telling him never to contact you again by any means or using any device, and that you intend to inform the police if he ever does. Then go to the police if he does.

It doesn't matter if your relationship was an affair. You have the right not be stalked or harassed.

Block him from all contact. Do not engage in any attempt at conversation, as it will only give him fuel. Maybe one final email to let him know you do not want any further contact from him ever again, as proof of unwanted contact and then block his email address.

The toxic person in my life attempted to hoover me with "apologies" for their behaviour and love bombing after I went no contact on him 3 years before. Beware that he may still try to do this years after no contact.

Op what age is your daughter and how did heaven contact with her? This situation is very serious however you cannot reason with a true narcissist hence he is going to any means necessary to get you to speak to him, do NOT communicate with him at all, once he knows that he can get a reply his actions could become even more extreme to maintain communication. Do not involve his wife she is most likely powerless against him. You need to get the police involved if your daughter is a minor and he is contacting her this will be taken extremely seriously.

Add his email address to blocked senders. It can't be undone but they lose interest eventually. Do not ever be sucked in again e.g. them saying, hey I was just wanting to check you are okay during Covid etc. They change their tune to get a reaction. Your silence has to be absolute even if you sometimes waver internally though it does not sound like you will.

Speaking from DMs experience, she had an affair with a narcissist. He still tried to get in touch years later. Whatever you say they don't hear it or still try and twist it.

Set his email address to go straight to junk. Then weekly clear your junk down without opening

Contact the police and provide evidence of unwanted harassment/stalking. They should go over and "have a word". If they do so at his workplace - even better.

Contact the police and ask their advice. It doesn't matter what the situation is, this is unwanted harrassment of you and your family members.
It needs to stop. Forget about analysing him, just go to the police.

Thank you for all the helpful replies. Sounds like plenty of you have had similar experiences.

I couldn’t find a way to block his emails but will look more closely into it. I suppose part of me wants to read them in case he starts threatening me or something and I know what I am dealing with. It’s all very scary.

The contact with my young daughter was almost a year ago, sorry I didn’t make that clear. He was replying to some of her posts on social media, replies that only she could see and making it very obvious he knew a lot about me. It was creepy and it scared her. No child should have to feel that way. She blocked him and there has been no contact since. But if he tries it again I am definitely going to the police.

I am in no doubt he will keep on trying for months or years. He tries to hoover his ex girlfriends on their birthdays and none of them ever reply.

For now a monthly email doesn’t seem enough to go to the police with. The stalking has definitely stopped. It’s just the emails. Always trying to work his way back in.

I changed jobs recently and he doesn’t know where I work thankfully. Which is good because he would turn up unannounced outside my old office.

Any escalation whatsoever with his behaviour and I promise you lovely ladies that I will take it further. Thanks for all your help x

I am pleased to hear that the stalking has stopped but I would wary in case he turns up unexpectedly somewhere months later.

What he did to your dd is utterly reprehensible and I hope she has recovered from this horrible experience.

How long has these emails been going on for? You see reluctant to report him for his monthly emails but you only need two instances of unwanted contact in 12 months for it to count as harassment. If he knows you'll go to the police, then maybe he'll stop?

Anyway, wishing you peace from this situation. Narcissistic abuse and being harassed is truly soul destroying, no human being should ever be subject to such cruelty.

The emails have been going on for over a year. Anyone else reading them would think they were fairly harmless. They are fairly casual a lot of the time but it is always that he wants to talk to me about something etc etc. Surprised that I hadn’t contacted him! Nothing really menacing in there that would worry the police. Unlike the emails that he sent when I ended it which were truly horrific.

My DD is OK thanks but I think completely bemused as to why an adult would act that way towards a child. That was the last straw for me and the point I told him I never wanted to hear from him again. But I don’t think he even got it.

Narcissistic abuse is something nobody should have to endure. Starts off subtly and before you know it full force. Nothing about me was right, everything was always my fault including his hurtful words that he couldn’t help saying apparently and my fault for not making allowances for. His opinion of me became so low I can’t possibly understand why he wants contact. He left me traumatised for many reasons. I hope I never meet anyone like him ever again.

My exh was like this after I left him. I had to get all of my family and friends to block him, and in the end I had to threaten him with the police before he backed off.

He wants you to think the emails are "harmless" but they are just a way of trying to draw you back in, out of guilt or compassion. Over a year is far too long. The police will be experienced with stalking and harassment and will know the tricks so they may be more concerned than you think.

People like him have no empathy op, which is why he behaved the way he did to you and your dd. They use others to get their fuel and drama and do not care the pain they cause.

Narcissists will try their utmost to draw you in only to devalue you because they need to make someone else less than them because of their fragile ego. When you call out on his abuse, he will deflect and say it's your fault, gaslight you and even say that you were the one who did the abuse. I hope you never meet anyone like him again either, op and that things with your dh are well.

Make known to him your intention to take this to the police should he try to contact you again . They're usually terrified of authority and often think you won't do it .

A woman I know of, who's ex-husband was a narc, when going through and after divorce for some time, tried to make her life hell. But she was strong. One of the things she did was get an injunction that forbade him from contacting her or her family or coming near any of them.

First of all, I would try going grey-rock, as others have suggested, usually when a narc knows they're not getting a reaction, they will move onto other people to harass. Grey rock is basically to become as boring and unreactive to someone as possible, to the point where it looks like you don't care if they exist or not and that your own life very uninteresting.

Hope this helps. Best of luck

Just wanted to add, most email systems will allow you to block certain contacts and automatically delete or filter certain emails to a specific folder to get them out of sight