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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a relationship ever genuinely be equal?

14 replies

Florelei · 09/02/2021 19:50

I’ll start by saying that yes I think it can.

My boyfriend said to me today that he thinks one partner always has more power in a relationship. I asked him who he thought had the ‘power’ in our relationship and he said he thought he did.

Is this a red flag? It troubles me in a way that I don’t fully understand.

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 09/02/2021 19:53

Well, the person who cares least always has the upper hand. And once you've combined lives and finances, the person who earns more always has more power.

Human beings can never be truly equal. There is always something more on one side than the other. A healthy relationship acknowledges any significant imbalances of power and redresses them - i outearn my DH 2:1, but he is DD's primary parent. I never take out the bins, he never hoovers. It levels out eventually.

Pollypocket89 · 09/02/2021 19:56

I'm not against the premise but I wouldn't like him saying he did

thedevilinablackdress · 09/02/2021 20:00

I'd have to ask him what he meant by that.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2021 20:05

Power and equality are different things. Of course none of us are exact equals to our partners, we all have certain strengths and weaknesses, but in a healthy relationship partners balance each other out and compliment each other. Power is about control and having the upper hand, neither of which have any place in a healthy relationship. I think him believing he has the power in your relationship is a big red flag.

category12 · 09/02/2021 20:05

In what way does he think he has the power?

If it's because he cares less, then I'd be backing away tbh.

BeautifulStar · 09/02/2021 20:12

What was his motive for saying it? Sounds nasty - is he trying to imply you aren’t equal to him then? Why would he want you to think that?

Either he’s insecure so needs to put you down or is an arrogant twat.

Original poster

Florelei · 09/02/2021 20:19

I am not sure what he meant. I just kind of left it there. I’m just mulling it over and feel uncomfortable because this isn’t something I would ever contemplate thinking or saying.

OP posts:

BeautifulStar · 09/02/2021 20:23

Ask him. IME bottling stuff like this up leads to resentment and you’ll be festering over it. Just say to him “the comment you made about having the upper hand? I would like you to explain exactly what you meant by it?” His response should be telling.

TedMullins · 09/02/2021 20:52

Yeah that’s quite disconcerting he said that. If have to ask him what he meant if I were you and why he thinks he “has the power”

johnd2 · 09/02/2021 20:59

It's good to be aware of it, in a lot of the bias training at work it's all about being aware of the structural biases and unconscious biases at play, and then using that knowledge to make fairer decisions. If you are unaware, then you are exacerbating the problem . Look at the people who say "I'm not racist but..." Or "I'm colour blind i don't see colour...". If it comes up, id tell you I'm racist, sexist, disablist, homophobic, etc, as are the majority of people, but knowing that helps you to be aware and to try to counteract that.
But as with all tools you can use them for good or bad.
I would say the fact he has mentioned it is good and shows good awareness but i would suggest asking how you would both use that information when making decisions in future.
Eg I'm more financially knowledgeable than my wife and could easily squirrel away various savings, but i specifically tell her that it's important for her to know what we have and where it is. She is not that bothered about it and i think it bores her a bit, but i have explained why as i have an awareness of the problems it might cause her.
Go back a couple of generations and my grandad had no idea how to cook and my grandma had no idea about the money. They just got on with it unaware of the imbalance. If they had more awareness they might have addressed it.
So in a nutshell it's actually a good thing, more likely than not, but do question further. Good luck.

littleloopylou · 09/02/2021 21:00

I'd find it troubling. I would ask him to explain more.

Lurcherloves · 09/02/2021 21:07

I think it depends on the time in your relationship I honestly think it changes over time depending on life circumstances etc. I also think you each become more valuable to the other over time, pne partner may earn more but would bereft without the other. What you would hope is that people just treat each other well and not abuse their supposed power, that’s love isn’t it?

Shoxfordian · 09/02/2021 21:12

Why does he feel like that? Do you generally capitulate to his wishes about things?

GeeBranzi · 07/03/2021 04:33

This reply has been deleted

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