Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

is yelling acceptable?

25 replies

sunshineox · 09/02/2021 19:39

I feel really irritated but dont know if I'm being a bit of a drama queen.

basically, dh has been on one all day. hes having car troubles, had to pay out 60 quid for a new part, all sorted now. he been making quite snidey, snippy comments all day which I have ignored. my father dropped round (outside didnt come in of course) some of dh tools he needs for work tomorrow as he borrowed some of them over the weekend. Dh starts ranting that there is a tool missing. calling my father (to me) every name under the sun "muggy cunt" "fucking liar" "he takes the fucking piss". I said are you sure, i rung my dad to check and he said he had returned them all. my dh not long after finds said tool in the back of his van.

I said to him I dont like the way you spoke about my father, he didnt really deserve the names you called him. well dh just exploded, shouting at me that I can piss off and hes going out, stormed off and slammed the door shut, our 15 month old son was also in the room.

i have tried to speak to him about shouting before but he thinks it's fine. I actually don't, I dont shout at people and my thinking is if you can restrain from shouting at work, at you friends and actually at my father himself then you can with me but you choose not to? I just see it as a loss of control to scream at someone. I hate the fact our 15 month old saw it too.

sorry, he is still not back and I just wanted to get it out.

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshineox · 09/02/2021 19:40

he was screaming up the stairs as he was leaving too (we live in a flat) so all neighbours could hear so I'm embarrassed too

OP posts:

21growbags · 09/02/2021 19:42

Not acceptable

Shoxfordian · 09/02/2021 19:42

Can you go live with your father? I couldn’t stay with someone who was so disrespectful to my parents

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2021 19:43

Your husband is abusive and the damage this will cause to your child will follow him for the rest of his life. There is nothing normal or healthy about your relationship. Get rid of him before more damage is done.

Ohalrightthen · 09/02/2021 19:43

Who owns the flat? If i were you I'd be telling him not to come back.

AdultHumanFemale · 09/02/2021 19:44

I dont shout at people and my thinking is if you can restrain from shouting at work, at you friends and actually at my father himself then you can with me but you choose not to?
Snap.
I am so sorry your DP is doing this, I think just like you do, and hate yelling. It's so massively disrespectful. Add to that the misogynist slur your DP used, I'd say words need to be had.

honeysuckle21 · 09/02/2021 19:44

I wouldn't stay with someone so angry and disrespectful about a family member, not acceptable so don't accept it.

user1493413286 · 09/02/2021 19:45

None of that sounds ok; taking it out on you that his car needs work, calling your dad names and exploding like that. I think a lot of us have ended up shouting in arguments but that sounds like a lot to happen and in front of your 15 month old is not right.

missrm · 09/02/2021 19:47

I'd leave if my partner spoke about my dad like that! What an absolute liberty. Presume he's too much of a coward to say anything to your dads face? I'd tell my dad exactly what he said. Word for word. See how your DP reacts then.

Original poster

sunshineox · 09/02/2021 19:49

it's a real shame because my dad helps us all the time. hes not perfect, but he does his best. I've just put my little one to bed. I'm probably not going to be long behind him I cba with it tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshineox · 09/02/2021 19:50

oh yeah would never say that to my dads face

OP posts:

AdultHumanFemale · 09/02/2021 20:06

You'll lose respect for your partner, and end up walking on eggshells. He's putting you in an impossible situation, because it will call into question the extent to which you are able to live with this side of him, and how you feel about yourself for letting it slide. He's the one who's tearing the trust and goodwill up, not you. But he's showing you who he is.

category12 · 09/02/2021 20:13

No, none of that is acceptable.

johnd2 · 09/02/2021 21:06

It's not healthy, clearly he is having trouble dealing with his (valid) emotions in a healthy way. Is fine to be stressed by things but he should not act out like a toddler at that point, he needs to use an adult way to express it and he might feel better from that.
Regarding the shouting that's not ok if it makes other people feel unsafe. The essential things are that everyone feels safe and that any differences can be resolved to everyone's satisfaction.
It sounds like in your case you don't feel safe and he can't resolve any issues he has.
If that is the main issue i would suggest therapy for him to start with, he may find his employer has an employee assistance program or heath insurance that would provide some. Or if you can afford it you can get it privately.
But i think this is not ok and i think it's for him to sort out (although it's fine if you need to organise things)
Good luck.

Colourmeclear · 09/02/2021 21:15

He should show you, your father and your child more respect. I lived with it and it never changed because he saw it as blowing off steam and harmless but it was me that suffered.

Mellymelson · 09/02/2021 21:27

I would be really upset if anyone called my Dad those names. Completely unacceptable.

Windmillwhirl · 09/02/2021 21:28

I wouldn't accept it either. And the names he called your father over a tool. He is a very angry man.

KatyClaire · 10/02/2021 07:10

Not acceptable. Anyone who called my father a cunt and then yelled at me would be shown the door instantly.

Worried830410 · 10/02/2021 09:03

Why are you even asking if this is acceptable? You know it isn't. And in front of your ds as well. That is abusive language along with the shouting and slamming.
I wouldn't stay with someone who does this. What would I be teaching my child by allowing this?

CallistoSol · 10/02/2021 09:08

Any one of the things you have said would be a deal breaker for me. He sounds utterly vile and a terrible role model for your child. You need to kick him out or leave, end of.

TheLaughingGenome · 10/02/2021 09:16

Oh lord, this must all be so stressful.

You know it can't go on. You know it'll end at some point.

Has your father any idea of what he's like? Will he help you if asked?

LivBa · 10/02/2021 13:28

Your DH needs to go for anger management

PussGirl · 10/02/2021 13:41

Yelling is hardly ever acceptable. He could have at least apologised when he realised he was actually in the wrong as the tool was in the van.

Chambored · 10/02/2021 13:53

He’s clearly the tool.
Seriously, I can’t abide aggressive blokes who blow up over innocuous issues. It’s a very unappealing character trait. And, as you say, if they can control it around other people, but choose not to around their partner, then very worrying.
I’d be off.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/02/2021 14:10

I couldn't even look at someone who spoke about a family member of mine that way. How dare he?! And he found the tool which makes it even worse! What a prick.

Flip