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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Son struggling with boyfriend going through bereavement- No contact for a week

20 replies

Mummy98346654 · 09/02/2021 17:55

This is what my son has written down as this helps him compartmentalise his feelings...

Hi everyone, hope you're keeping well in these challenging times.

I am currently in a relationship of 4 months with my boyfriend and everything was honestly going great and we were loving spending time with each other.

We are currently geographically apart because of a family bereavement which meant that my boyfriend had to go back home. I was able to comfort him in the wake of the news, but on that same day he returned back home to support his family.

We would normally message each other in the morning and then video call to say goodnight and checked in on each other at least once every day.

The night before the funeral he messaged me saying that it is tomorrow and that he won't be on his phone for an unknown amount of time and proceeded to turn off his last seen on WhatsApp which seemed a little odd for him to do.

It has now been about a week since I last heard from him and I rang him yesterday as I was starting to get really worried about his welfare and safety. He ignored the phone call and I just left a message saying that I understand if he doesn't want to talk, but I was worried about him.

I totally understand that people need space when going through times like this, but this is completely out of character for him which worries me even more. I also know that we are in a relationship and communication is so very important to a healthy relationship.

I have told him that he is not being treated fairly and that he should now leave him to message back, or ring him on valentine's day because if he isn't thinking about him then, he doesn't need to carry on going through this pain.
Any advice????? Thank you xx

OP posts:

ChablisandCrisps · 09/02/2021 17:58

I know this is very hard for your son, but his boyfriend is bereaved and managing his own and his families grief. As personally difficult as it is, he needs to give him space and be kind and accepting of the distance as and when he feels ready to resume contact. He absolutely must not communicate how he feels presently to his boyfriend, it would be self-absorbed and selfish.

Ludo19 · 09/02/2021 18:11

I don't think its unreasonable for the boyfriend to send a quick text saying something along the lines of thanks for thinking of me, don't worry but it's a difficult period just now and I'll be in touch soon.

Your son needs to leave him be at the moment as much as it's upsetting him.

VanCleefArpels · 09/02/2021 18:15

I disagree to the extent that it costs nothing to send a quick message along the lines of “thanks for checking in, I’ll be back in touch when things have calmed down a bit” or some such. To completely blank your boyfriend is plain rude. I wonder if the boyfriend is “out” (horrible term) at home which may cause complications? Of course your son should perhaps also consider whether the boyfriend has used this time apart to re-evaluate the (very new) relationship and is blanking rather than fronting up to it?

OhCaptain · 09/02/2021 18:18

I don’t think a bereavement means you can completely ignore your boyfriend for over a week tbh!

Plus isn’t the person you’re in a relationship with supposed to be someone you can lean on and talk to?

Even if he chooses not to lean on your son, ignoring him for this long isn’t ok.

Redshoeblueshoe · 09/02/2021 18:19

Your son needs to back off. Bereavement is far more difficult in lockdown. Why on earth did you tell him he wasn't being treated fairly ?
If someone gave me an ultimatum when I'd been bereaved I wouldn't want anything to do with them ever again.

Original poster

Mummy98346654 · 09/02/2021 18:20

@VanCleefArpels

Hi there,

I think I'm siding more with you at the moment. I would have expected just one small message which doesn't take a lot of time to compose at all! He isn't out to his family yet so this could be another added stress to an already difficult time. It is just very difficult to see my son go through this and I can't help but feel like he is going through unnecessary pain

OP posts:

BIWI · 09/02/2021 18:21

They have only been together for four months! Someone in his family has just died.

Your son should leave him to grieve and you should stop interfering.

In this scenario, the boyfriend is far more important than your son.

Opentooffers · 09/02/2021 18:21

I think a week without one word back, even under the circumstances, does not look good and is poor treatment of your son. Poor enough that your son should leave any further communication, and try not to keep waiting, but get on with his life.

Original poster

Mummy98346654 · 09/02/2021 18:22

@Redshoeblueshoe

Your son needs to back off. Bereavement is far more difficult in lockdown. Why on earth did you tell him he wasn't being treated fairly ? If someone gave me an ultimatum when I'd been bereaved I wouldn't want anything to do with them ever again.

I told my son that he wasn't being treated fairly, not my son told his boyfriend. Can you please be mindful of your language as this seems rather aggressive. There was no ultimatum given.

OP posts:

Weirdnessabounds · 09/02/2021 18:28

It’s a relationship of only 4 months, your son cannot really know what is out of character for his boyfriend, I’m guessing he is caught up in family stuff, echo pp maybe he’s not out to his family so contact maybe difficult. Is it your son’s first relationship? Maybe his boyfriend is just not as serious about them as a couple as your son seems to be. Not all relationships last.

BIWI · 09/02/2021 18:29

Mind your language?! What on earth did @Redshoeblueshoe say that you think was aggressive?!

Original poster

Mummy98346654 · 09/02/2021 18:34

@ChablisandCrisps

I agree, and I must re iterate that he has not communicated how he feels to his boyfriend. That last paragraph is what I have told him.

OP posts:

SmallPrawnEnergy · 09/02/2021 18:34

@BIWI

Mind your language?! What on earth did *@Redshoeblueshoe* say that you think was aggressive?!

Tbh love you talk to people like shit on here so you wouldn’t know aggressive language if it was bootstomping you in the gooch.

It’s clear op and her son are going through a hard time so saying things like “why on earth did you ...” is fairly uncalled for. “Why did you tell him...” or “why do you think...” it’s pretty easy not to word things like a prick.

Weirdnessabounds · 09/02/2021 18:35

Also I think you are overly invested in your son’s relationship you cannot save him from unnecessary pain, it’s very likely that your son is going to be involved in more than one relationship in his life and relationships do break up and people do get hurt. The only alternative is to never be in a relationship and make yourself vulnerable and that would make for a very lonely life.

Original poster

Mummy98346654 · 09/02/2021 18:36

@Ludo19

Your son needs to leave him be at the moment as much as it's upsetting him.

Thank you for your message. I am thinking along the same lines, and this is what I was expecting to happen. It is just being left in limbo that is so damaging.

OP posts:

BIWI · 09/02/2021 18:37

@SmallPrawnEnergy

I think you'll find it's the boyfriend who is having a hard time here.

Redshoeblueshoe · 09/02/2021 18:38

Absolutely BIWI

Ohalrightthen · 09/02/2021 18:39

This is all quite intense for 4 months.

unbotheredbutbewildered · 09/02/2021 18:41

@Redshoeblueshoe

Your son needs to back off. Bereavement is far more difficult in lockdown. Why on earth did you tell him he wasn't being treated fairly ? If someone gave me an ultimatum when I'd been bereaved I wouldn't want anything to do with them ever again.

This x1000.

Your son's boyfriend has lost someone they LOVE. Your son has been with his boyfriend for four months - he probably doesn't even know whether or not he sleep talks yet.

I lost a relative last year during the first lockdown- I didn't talk to my boyfriend for over two weeks and we'd been together three years. He was fine with it - in fact he deliberately didn't bother me until I was ready to talk.

The Valentines Day advice to your son isn't a good idea either. TBH someone should show you that they love you every day not just on valentines day and IMO it extends to a situation like this. Why should the boyfriend get in touch on valentines day - why is the 14 February so special? It won't make any difference to someone who has lost a loved one.

If your son can't respect his boyfriends need then he shouldn't be with him.

Bereavement trumps neediness.

tenredthings · 09/02/2021 18:48

Does your son's boyfriend's family know that he is gay ? If he's surrounded by grieving family and he hasn't come out to them that might explain the silence.

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