First anniversary/valentines alone vent. Can't seem to stop obsessing over everything.

[Loner1]

Friday would have been my 10 year anniversary had he not left me for another woman in the summer. Lots of backwards and forwards since as his new relationship fell flat on its face within weeks and I stupidly gave him another chance, although it's recently come to light he was then seeing us both up until I put an end to it last month.

I even found out this week on New years eve he was spending the night with me and received an invite from her and pretended to be ill and made himself sick so he could leave and go to hers instead. He was sending her messages saying thank you for showing him what it means to really love and be loved by someone. I'd been loyal and loved this man with all my heart, reading that was so painful. Like nothing we had was ever real and I was always just there until he got a better offer. Sleeping in bed with her but refusing to sleep in bed with me despite regularly having sex. I'm fully aware now that I was being used and I was the least appealing of his 2 options. It's made me feel so ashamed and revolting. He attempted to convince me that that message he sent her meant he had realized that he really loved me. Pathetic gasligjting attempt, it would be funny if I wasn't so heartbroken.

Just feeling really sad and alone, I've actually been doing a bit better, started a new better paid and more rewarding job, lost weight, getting myself out and staying active everyday which is great until I get home to my empty flat (other than my cats). No contact is going well, although he does still message me most days, I ignore them.

I constantly check the other womans social media. I can't stop myself, I check if they're online on whatsapp at the same times which is stupid as it doesn't actually mean anything, I spend hours and hours going over everything, old messages, screenshots, photos etc even though it appears she has met someone new. I don't know how to stop and I'm actually getting quite concerned now as it's obsessive.

I've tried online dating, it made me feel unwell. I don't want anyone else, can't even think about anyone else in that way. Shamefully I still want him but that's never going to happen, I know he'd just go again so I won't even entertain speaking with him anymore. I can't help but feel sad knowing we would be celebrating together and thinking of all the happier times. I'm the only one of my friends who is single and hearing all about their relationships and nice things they do together, valentines plans has made me feel really low although of course I'm very happy for them. I'm really not looking forward to the weekend as I know I'll be a sobbing mess.

Just needed to vent and get it all out as I've found that helpful in the past. These have been the worst 6 months of my life, I just want my old life back . Still can't see any future for myself.

Hello, you are doing really well with the new job, getting fit and so on. No one needs to tell you this but you're much better without him and deserve way better. I'd be also checking social media tbh but probably best to block both of them and try and find something fun for yourself to do. Maybe an online class, new hobby? Maybe a zoom chat with friends on Valentines?

@sova thank you I know I'm better off without him but I still miss the companionship. I actually don't have my own social media accounts anymore but they're all open and public so don't need an account to look at them. I wish they weren't because I can't stop myself. She does not even post anything interesting just photos of herself and child so why I'm looking i don't know. Just constantly comparing myself and making myself feel rubbish. She's alot younger, thin, blonde and very attractive.
I do need to find a hobby but haven't managed to think of anything, I can't even watch TV or anything because I'm just obsessed with all this, it's unhealthy. I have counciling over the phone but I don't find it particularly helpful as I struggle to open up. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore and can't remember who I was before him and all this awful mess. Just feeling sorry for myself I guesse, will carry on trying to improve myself.

All my friends have plans valentines day so it'll be a ready meal for one and snuggling with my cats for me . I guesse its because it's the first alone I'm overthinking it when it's just another day.

It's as if he can sense when I'm weak as he's turned up at the door. I didn't open it. I really wanted to, but I didn't .

Well done! You are really doing well, it's part of the process checking the social media, grieving the relationship.
If it's hard to open to your counsellor maybe you can email her these msgs so she knows what's happening. Otherwise you won't benefit from it and either you're wasting money or the resource as to get back to counselling will be probably hard if these is a waiting list. So either way it's important to make use of it. The counsellor would have heard all this before so nothing to be embarrassed about, you won't be judged or anything.
I'm also going to be spending valentines with my cat! It's better than with an asshole partner.

You're actually doing really well, congratulations on the new job and taking care of yourself, you didn't answer the door to him which was very strong of you, that'll leave him wondering why he's not desirable (as if he should know)

Just stay away from SM, the quicker you can move on.

I'm also spending Valentine's Day with my cats and I've ordered myself some treats much better than what I would of got from my ex

It's only been 6 months and you were together 10 years. You are doing really well and everything you're feeling is normal.

You look at the social media and you mention she is slim, young and attractive. What you don't mention is how she's also morally corrupt and clearly has self esteem issues if she's going to have a relationship with a married man. You are the better person.

I agree with those that say can you find a hobby to get involved with? Or even do some studying online, there are free taster courses /modules on the OU or you could watch YouTube videos to learn how to sew/knit/bake /whatever is your interest. Something to take your mind off him /her and to increase your self esteem.

I felt the same as you when you say you don't even remember who you were before you met him. Music helped me a lot. Just putting on the stuff I used to listen to before I knew my ex, enjoying the things I like. Maybe you can find some comfort in something like that?

Well done for not answering the door.

Well done for the NC op! That's the hard bit. So you have her number? I would her his messages to you. 💣

This is a difficult time for the healthiest of minds so don't beat yourself up. And this isn't about you - it's about him. He would have done this however great you were because life gets comfortable, for everyone, and that wasn't enough for him. He'll have regrets, for sure. It's his loss!

Hold your head up op. You are doing fantastically!

@Loner1 I can relate but it sounds like your doing great so give yourself a pat on the back. Up until two weeks ago me and my wife where planning valentines until she decided she'd rather be with OM.

Been living this hell for about a year now and she's bounced back a few times only to eventually leave again so as you can see your doing brilliant.

SO yeah valentines is going to sting big time and I am sure like you the sting is going to pierces that bit deeper because they will not likely spend it alone.

I'll try take keep busy and find something on Netflix to watch.

Remember post here if needed we're all here for you.

Thank you all for your lovely replies. @sova I have expressed to my counciller that I struggle with it via telephone so she's aware of the situation.

@manxiety yes I have her number and it has crossed my mind but I just want it all to be over and to be able to move on now. To be honest it looks like she's back with her kids dad so doubt she would care, I got the impression from their exchanges she wasn't that into him and just used him as an ego boost.

@honeysuckle121 I think because for so many months I was desperately begging, even suggesting open relationships etc patheticly he's baffled to why I've switched so quickly and now won't even speak to him. Probably hates that he's lost control.

@onthinice unfortunately music is one of my biggest triggers, everything reminds me of him and our time together. True crime podcasts are the only thing that seems to take my mind off of it.

@feeficken I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you're doing OK.

I hope you all spending valentines alone have a lovely day, I feel silly being so down about it but I've always been an old romantic.

This post resonates with me as I went through the same thing four and a half years ago now. I found I went through messages from my then wife and Facebook and trying to piece it all together. Searching for answers I stumbled on this site and I still check in and read occasionally.

I found on reading posts that although I was going through a hard time, I still had a decent job and my home. There were people going through what I went though who had no job, no money and no home to go to. Things are never as bad as they seem when you look back and someone is always worse off.

You have mentioned a better job and being more active and that’s brilliant. Your situation is magnified by the whole Covid thing I’m sure. Once you can meet friends again you’ll keep busy in the evenings. Ride it out and don’t back! Good things will come if it. I’ve never been happier four years on. Good luck :-)

@bagpuss1971 that's exactly what I do, go through and compare messages seeing when he was lying about where he was how differently he speaks to her etc, it's driving me insane. I don't understand why I do it because it doesn't change anything. I have my suspicions my ex is a narcissist and he is still in trying to lovebomb her so she gets long detailed messages whereas I would get one word replies. He will never ever accept any responsibility or show any remorse for what he has done to me. I am a shell of a person now, I feel like all I am is the woman he cheated on and I have no other identity.

I put alot of work into finding a new job and getting fit etc as I thought it would make me feel better about myself but as soon as I'm home again in the evening I'm a sobbing mess and just sit and feel sorry for myself. I miss our life together, I miss looking after him, I miss intimacy and at the moment in this weather I miss body heat! Going to invest in an electric blanket I think. I'm so lonely all the time I try and stay distracted but it's always there especially when I climb into bed, sometimes I just sleep on the sofa so I don't have to get into bed alone .

Rambling and feeling sorry for myself now but I've nobody to speak to so just vent on here.

Easy to say I know but time will heal everything. It’s worth your time now to go over this and raking it all up - you’ll find some pieces to the puzzle but you’ll never find out exactly what happened and when it why.

I actually kept a diary for about 6 weeks and wrote everything down that happened. I found in the garage the other day and it was like someone else had wrote it. I had no idea what she had done to me until I read some of it back. I read about 3 days worth and it wasn’t worth my time so it’s back in the garage. Move on and move up. Things will look brighter once this COVID nonsense finishes. Keep you chin up - he doesn’t sound worth your time.

not worth your time (obviously)

My husband left almost 2 years ago. I'm not going to lie, some days are hard. These are outweighed by the good ones now though.

It's only been 6 months. Give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with the end of your relationship rather than trying to date before you feel ready.

There was another woman which broke my marriage. I too thought she was younger and way more attractive than me.

She is who she is, someone who was willing to break up a marriage. I'm more upset with my husband for throwing 26 years together down the drain.

You will get there, be kind to yourself, you sound like you're doing brilliantly xx

You know what, you deserve a huge pat on the back / hug / glass of wine etc... for what you’ve achieved.
New job, getting fit, getting rid of the cheating bastard. All of that is massive.
And in lockdown, when everyone is struggling with day-to-day shit.

If he still messages you most days have you thought about blocking him and deleting his number? I know you said you don’t respond to the messages, but if you block you won’t see them so it will help you further distance yourself. And in that vein, unfollow the OW.
You said you like true crime podcasts. Can you find a true crime series on Netflix or similar, to get absorbed in, to distract you away from SM.

Thank you all, still not doing any better but trying to keep busy.

@chambored I have already blocked him but I check the messages in the blocked folder daily because I'm weak. I've also watched just about every true crime documentary available on Netflix. I don't follow the other woman I don't have social media but as all her profiles are public I can easily check them unfortunately. I just need to get stronger as I'm really doing myself no favours. What I'm doing isn't achieving anything.

I really thought the new job and getting fit would help my mental health and self esteem but it hasn't . I really dislike myself.

Try and force yourself not to look her up, all it does is hurt you.
If it makes you feel better, you know what he's really like, he's the one still trying to chase you turning up at your door, she's bagged herself a lying cheater and they are welcome to each other, he can no longer cause anymore hurt, he's gone.
Spoil yourself for Valentine's Day and things will get better.

Just to say, you may not feel like it but you're doing brilliantly. I like @Bagpuss1971's idea of starting a diary. Sometimes the only way to chase a notion out of your head is to get it down on a page.
There are online book groups etc to get you talking and meeting new people. Just to give your brain some new channels to explore.
Again you're doing brilliantly and you clearly value yourself these are excellent qualities to have. UnMumsnetty hug and to you.