Advice about separation and divorce needed

[Sova]

Hello,
I'd really appreciate some impartial advice. My husband and I are separated but still live together. We've been together for over 10 yrs and have 2 small children. The main issue has always been that we don't spend time any time together because of his long work hrs and opposite schedules. Even when we did have a day off together, he would prefer to sleep and would not want to do things with me ans the kids. For him we have been a chore and nuisance and he is very focused on making money normally. The irony is I pay for everything and he would give me very little money towards the bills and now he lost work, he doesn't give me anything.
Long story short we separated but he wouldn't move out. Initially we agreed we'd divorce and I'd remortgage and buy him out. This was fine, I consulted solicitors and seemed doable. but he now came up with a very unrealistic scenario in which he wants me to buy a second home as he is concerned he wouldn't get a mortgage due to having no income. So he would like me to buy a second home and then give it to him. This is v unrealistic as I wouldn't get a mortgage for a second home and it would still tie us up together even if I did. At the same time he is becoming more and more unbearable, he slapped our son ( I rang social services), he now told me he is going away somewhere for a night and he is very much above the law, doing what he wants. At the same time he will make dinner or fold the laundry occasionally so from where he sits he is amazing. I still work and do most things and I'm bloody exhausted. We don't have family around and he doesn't have any friends or didn't have until 2 weeks ago and now suddenly he is staying I overnight somewhere any advice is welcome. I'm also meeting social worker this week so hoping she will advise as well

Anyone?

I'm not expert but when he goes put for the night, get the locks changed and dump his stuff outside.

Don't buy a second house for him.....fuck him, not your problem if he might not get a mortgage.
Slapping your son is definitely not on but I don't know if that's grounds alone for turfing him out.

You'll get many more MN giving you proper fantastic advice. But I wish you good luck for the future.

You can't lock him out - that's illegal. Tempting as it may be!

But you can start divorce proceedings while living together, and, if he's not willing to stick to the original agreement, force a house sell. Do not for fuck sake buy him a house!

Accept he's going to be an arsehole and prepare accordingly. Stop hoping he will suddenly become reasonable! Copy all and any of his financial papers. Does he have savings? Pension? Withdraw your share of any monies in joint accounts and ensure any overdraft facilities are cancelled.

Prepare to play hardball because he will!

Hello, thank you for your response. Legally I can't just tell him to go as house is also his and he doesn't have any family or friends.
It's frustrating though as he refused to do couples counselling or anything and is making things worse and worse

Thank you! Yes, that's the worst case scenario. I really wanted to avoid this as we already have a cheapest house possible which is close to my kids school so would need to move further away to a smaller house if had to sell. According to him I don't need this house anymore. Apparently I can live in 1 bed flat with two kids so he says.
Solicitor told me to try and keep him happy so he agrees to divorce etc. But it's tough

Your solicitor's idea about you being nice so he agrees to financial settlement/easy divorce has backfired. He now sees you as a mug who'll buy him a house while you and dc squeeze into a flat. So fuck that!

Start divorce for unreasonable behaviour - not financially contributing and child abuse for a bloody start. Get SS on side, do not minimize, do not protect his 'reputation', ask if you should report to police. You should be threatening his reputation not protecting it. He slapped a child!

And stop worrying that he has no family or friends. He's got a bloody 'friend' now hadn't he! Being friendless was his choice while he basically cocklodged while you paid for everything!

Thank you! I really needed to hear this. I could go on and on about his behaviour but I just need to do this now.

Can you discuss with SS getting an occupation order based on violence towards your son? With an occupation order, he'd be forced to move out even if his name is on the house.

Are you sure about your solicitor?
The advice to ‘keep him happy’ seems strange if that was meant that you need to agree to whatever your H proposes.
Your solicitor needs to be looking out for your interests and try to protect them. They don’t seem to be doing that

@Fortunefavours1

Can you discuss with SS getting an occupation order based on violence towards your son? With an occupation order, he'd be forced to move out even if his name is on the house.

That's interesting. It seems that both solicitors don't think that slap is enough as he didn't left a mark maybe? And he's not been violent towards me although the social worker suggested that there might be a bit of emotional abuse going on and he has a history of trying to control finances and is very stingy. So he used to give me half of money towards the bills but in his eyes the kids don't need books, activities, clothes etc. Or they need them very occasionally 🙄 I'm going to speak to him and let him know I can only agree to the first offer and will file for divorce. I'll let him know about it and try and cooperate but if he doesn't agree then I'll need to think about next step. It's so stressful 😢

@Jsku

Are you sure about your solicitor? The advice to ‘keep him happy’ seems strange if that was meant that you need to agree to whatever your H proposes. Your solicitor needs to be looking out for your interests and try to protect them. They don’t seem to be doing that

Hello, I spoke to two solicitors about this and they were both saying the same thing. However it's since then that he asked me to buy a second house with him which we wouldn't get a mortgage for anyway. I'm reluctant to ring the solicitors back as at this point I'd have to pay them. I was hoping to apply for the divorce online myself and only use the solicitor for the financial order. We certainly don't have enough assets to be arguing in court about. So we do need to agree something between ourselves otherwise both of us will be left with nothing

Well done for getting a divorce. It's clearly 100% the right thing to do. You can apply online for your decree nisi today, then you have a year to sort the finances, then you get a decree absolute.

You are being too nice even considering him. He has been an arsehile and doesn't deserve it. Keep repeating to yourself 'my priority is me and the dc' until you believe it.

I've just realised he hasn't got a job - ahhh, this might not be a good time to sort the finances. Speak to your solicitor

@arethereanyleftatall

Well done for getting a divorce. It's clearly 100% the right thing to do. You can apply online for your decree nisi today, then you have a year to sort the finances, then you get a decree absolute.

You are being too nice even considering him. He has been an arsehile and doesn't deserve it. Keep repeating to yourself 'my priority is me and the dc' until you believe it.

Thank you for your and everyone else's reply. The lack of job might be just temporary during lockdown. I think from what I understand as long as we agree something it should be fine but I can see that he might make it difficult. I obviously want him to get a nice house as my children will be spending there some time. And it will then be theirs unless he finds another naive woman to be with him. It is a concern as the way things are now he wouldn't get a mortgage. But I guess he can rent temporarily? But because he is so obsessed with money he would not want to rent for sure.

Also he worked just before lockdown but was putting his salary onto his saving account as didn't want to pay taxes. When I confronted him, he changed all the passwords to all his accounts so I can't even see what is what anymore. For instance he says he has no money to pay the bills now but I know he has savings.
It's frustrating. It means that if it went to court I could potentially be seen as abandoning my poor husband when he is in need when in fact I worked all these years while his jobs have always been on and off, I supported him for at least 2 years during which he didn't work, one of which he was in college, he is always able just to walk out from work, but according to him it's all my fault as I spend too much. He doesn't like it that before Covid I was inviting friends over for dinner parties etc. He would say I feed half of the city and kids peoples asses, that's why we don't have money. I shouldn't be asking him to contribute as he is saving for our future meaning actually for what he wants to do.

It sounds like he already has found another "naive woman." I think you need a better solicitor. In my experience, there is no such thing as a fair and reasonable agreement or keeping a man like that happy in this situation. Your priorities need to be protecting yourself, your home, and getting a man who hits your children away from you all as soon as possible. There will be no such thing as keeping him sweet by being nice at this point.

He needs to get legal advice himself as surely he will be told that a clean break in divorce is preferred (especially as you don’t seem to have many assets) and he would be stupid to pursue you buying a house for him.

@Thebizz

He needs to get legal advice himself as surely he will be told that a clean break in divorce is preferred (especially as you don’t seem to have many assets) and he would be stupid to pursue you buying a house for him.

You would think so but he told me that he doesn't need to speak to anyone and he is not going to pay for a solicitor and if it goes to court he will represent himself. Very unrealistic and unreasonable. He also told the social worker that couples counselling or mediation is not for him

@WelliesWithHeels

It sounds like he already has found another "naive woman." I think you need a better solicitor. In my experience, there is no such thing as a fair and reasonable agreement or keeping a man like that happy in this situation. Your priorities need to be protecting yourself, your home, and getting a man who hits your children away from you all as soon as possible. There will be no such thing as keeping him sweet by being nice at this point.

I was wondering that but he says that a night away is with a male friend. I asked him if he is not worried about Covid but he told me that 'I'm the one to talk'. I've not had anyone in the house for months and have not been to anyone's house. He's really difficult right now. It's such a shame as there were good things about this relationship and I thought it could work.