Realised I have no friends in lockdown

[fluffy71]

Does anyone else feel like this? I’ve come to the realisation it’s only me making the running with my friendships. I am in a different place if you like with a lot of friendships. I have 3 older children and then a huge age gap and a toddler. I hadn’t made any baby friends before lockdown which was a shock as I hadn’t found it difficult to make friends with other moms with my older children. I’m also a SAHM and a lot of friends have gone back to work. I almost feel embarrassed about who I am. I suppose lockdown making it worse but I feel like I’m nice to people and make an effort and am not getting anything back. I am exercising and cutting out on alcohol and all those things to make one feel better in themselves and mostly feel grateful and thankful but today I just feel really down about it. I’m also finding my two year old so clingy and it’s really draining trying to keep him entertained from 7 till 7 each day whilst the older lot study from home. I have no one who understands or empathises.

I don't think you're alone in how you're feeling right now op. You're doing really well, making all the right changes and doing your best managing your family and social life. It's a real shame your friends aren't responding back in the same way to you and I do sympathise with your situation. Lockdown can be easier when you have lots of people to talk to and share your life with.

I am feeling somewhat similarly with my friends, contact with them can be a bit hit and miss. I wish there was a way to find new friends at the moment, a sort of virtual friend speed dating experience maybe would be useful.

Why do you feel embarrassed of yourself? Is this because of your current occupation?

Thankyou Wilting Flower. Just a reply to realise you’re not on your own. I’m just trying to focus day by day. I think not thinking Of the big picture helps. Pm me if you fancy a chat

I was just coming on to say exactly this. I ve always struggled with friends and felt a bit left out and always had to be the one doing the running. But I think COVID has heightened it me. Only one friend and dsis who have contacted me. I know others are contacting each other regularly. They are happy to see me or be in contact when I ask but ultimately I am
Not anyone's first choice. If I didn't contact people I wouldn't see them for months 1-1.

It is bleak right now for lots of people. I think many are struggling on a day to day basis and perhaps just don’t have much energy left over for friendships.

Could you try to plan something for after lockdown?

You're not alone . I have 2 kids , 8 and 14. Everyone I work with doesnt have children at my age so I find it difficult to keep up with them.... My family and school friends are abroad... it's not great... where abouts are you?

Another one here. Turns out I have one friend who has kept in touch and a couple of others who are in touch a bit and that's it. Been a bit of a revelation who hasn't bothered.

You are not alone.I never thought I had friends before as I work silly hours and have social anxiety. I do have lots of acquaintances though so comments on social media and group chats.Good for you for looking after your health.I have cut the booze and I'm eating properly in lockdown.I think it is natural to feel a bit lonely in lockdown just because it isn't natural.
Mumsnet always has someone to share with.

I got in touch with an old boss & she was moaning about it being too muddy to go out for a walk with her friends (singly).

I couldn't actually remember when I last met up with a friend...a day later, I still haven't worked out when I last saw a friend. Ooops.

I am totally in the same boat. It’s always me reaching out. If I didn’t have online exercise classes I’d be sat alone day in and day out

Same here too, I have a teenager and preschooler, realised how little people I have in my life through lockdown, not sure how to change it though, what do you do to keep busy? Or to try meet new people?

100%!! Most of my pre-motherhood friends were from a specific hobby that isn't compatible with having young children so I rarely see them any more. I made lots of mum friends with DS at various baby groups but they all went back to work while I became a SAHM. Then I planned to make new mum friends with baby DD but covid hit so I couldn't go anywhere to meet anyone.
So now I am in limbo and feel like I have no friends at all any more. It sucks.

I think the thing is that everyone is facing very different challenges and facing them alone. I am trying to see quite a few of my friends for some exercise and texting others. I think though that many (?most) people right now are close to the edge of what they feel they can manage and everyone reacts differently to that feeling. I can see in my own children some very different reactions and not necessarily the way I would expect. In some ways the most outwardly friendly, chatty one is interacting the least with others - even when I arrange something it is hard work to get them to agree and it has to be seeing someone in person. The quirky outsider type is always chatting online or meeting a friend.

I think that the teenager, toddler combo is particularly challenging. Virtually all the parents of teenagers I guess are working (if not furloughed), I can only think of one parent of my older children's friends who isn't working (generally desperately trying to catch up on pensions!). Yet you don't quite fall into the first time parent of one. Not having anywhere to meet people such as toddler groups is also challenging.

I also wonder whether it matters if you do the running? I do a fair bit of running with my friends, yet none of them tell me to go away and they are generally keen to meet for some exercise, and always say how nice it was to meet up, so does it matter who sent the first text?

@Fluffy71 So sorry you're going through this. Just wanted to say, my experience has been that two people I thought were my friends both stopped talking to me last March with no explanation. I think it's to do with covid and I've read that friendships are suffering because it's making people evaluate their friendships and only put their energy into the best ones.

I also think that some people aren't good at being vulnerable or authentic- so bring on a major pandemic and maybe they don't want you to see the real them? Perhaps what you had ( and I had) was a fake friendship with those people. It does hurt to lose what you thought was a real friendship, but in the long term, the trash took itself out and you will make REAL friends.

It's not you, it's them

It’s really hard at the moment especially with a toddler as stuck in all day and it becomes more apparent when you haven’t heard from any other adults all day! And then the days roll on. Also hard as even once recognising the problem not like there’s an easy way to try and make new friends or strike up any form of bonds with people at the moment

Thanks everyone for your input. It made me realise I’m not alone. I think it doesn’t help with the particular dynamic for me, a SAHM with such varying ages of children. I think @DNHandTNS summed it up very well. Sounds stupid but had a really good nights sleep last night and took my little one out for a walk with my brother and felt a bit better. If anyone is feeling lonely pm me, happy to chat

I have two teens and a toddler so I hear you...the first lockdown wasn’t so bad because the weather was gorgeous but I really am feeling it this time round. I think most people cope with toddler years but getting the f*#k out of the house - playgroups, soft play, swimming etc. Now every day feels like Groundhog Day and even though I’m not working at the mo I’m finding it impossible not get anything constructive done

Yes @BumbleFlump exactly this! I am now going out with toddler and dog for 2 hours in the mornings, from park to park so he gets some fresh air and my older kids can get on with their work without any noise. You know it’s been helpful to post this thread and feel I’m not alone. I’m also doing 15 min beginners Pilates this week each morning before everyone’s up and that helping too.

Glad you're feeling better OP. The endorphins and fresh air will do you good. I haven't spoken to a single soul today until I just came on here (if that counts) I mean I haven't seen a person all day or talked to anyone on the phone either, but I've been busy working. I went out for a walk, but managed not to see a soul lol

That’s why I’ve found Mumsnet a bit of a godsend recently @DNHandTNS, also I’ve taken up a challenge for the month of Feb and given up reading the daily Mail and Sun online. It’s was bloody hard the first week not to mention time wasting. Looking at all these vacuous “celeb/influencers” was really getting me down. I’m also telling myself that if friends don’t want to keep in touch that’s their loss (though I might feel differently next week!)

I think a lot of people are needing support and turning to those closest to them. It’s not that they don’t care but you’re not their number 1 support. It’s really hard. I’ve felt that people I genuinely thought were close friends are now distant as I was the one always messaging first. I’m very lucky that I have a handful of friends but it’s certainly less than I thought. It’s made me focus on the important things. Having a toddler is so all consuming I think most of us lose our identity around that time but it comes back and you will find like minded people.

Thankyou @m0therofdragons. I think that’s a very good way to look at it and not feel embittered about the situation.