Family inverse snobbery

[theayeshaveit2021]

Anyone else feel they get digs from family because they’ve developed into their own person?

I’m a bit fed up with the subtle digs from some extended family about having “changed”. What they mean is that I used to be a rough and ready teenager and now I’m an educated woman in my late 30s, with a professional job. Of course I’ve changed, is anyone in their 30s and 40s the teenager they once were? They don’t say it as a compliment and subtly try to get me to admit I’m different now – it’s like they see it as a confession of wrongdoing.

They’re the sort of people who talk about people “forgetting themselves” just because they’ve worked hard to build a good life.

I grew up on a council estate, parents didn’t want to work, always money worries, drink and cigarettes were prioritised etc. Grandparents provided a lot of stability for me, now sadly dead. Most extended family were hardworking types but had low paid jobs - low paid factory work, cleaning etc, or some on benefits. The extended family are decent, hard working people. Most in council houses, some exercised right to buy but most continued to rent. But there is a nasty side that comes out from some family if anyone has “bettered” themselves.

Growing up I had a good relationship with the extended family and they were good to me in many ways but looking back there was certain behaviour that sticks out. They had a tendency to get too involved in other people's business and liked to keep people in line.
If anyone did anything to “better” themselves, it always seemed to go down badly. A couple of relatives married spouses with slightly better paid jobs and bought say a small 2 or 3 bed house in a private estate. Not grand, or expensive houses, but not on a council estate. In the local area property prices are low so there’s not a huge price difference between those sort of houses and the ex council houses. They were never snobby but were immediately treated as outsiders, like they were no longer part of the inner circle. Everyone was always looking for signs that they “thought they were better” and excuses were often found to treat them unkindly as a sort of passive aggressive excuse.

DH and I both came from working class backgrounds. We’ve both worked hard, made sacrifices, and saved to buy a good sized property in a nice area. We’re not rich but where we live is a world away from where we grew up. We’re fortunate for what we have, but we’ve earned everything we have the hard way. We don’t think we’re better than anybody and no one who knows us would say that we do. We don't speak down about the area we're from - in fact we're so careful about what we say because we know they're always looking for signs that we think we're better.

We’re a world away from being snobs. We’re not lavish and we don’t flaunt what we have. We’re savers, but it’s obvious that our world is now very different. My friends are mostly people I’ve met at university or through work, mostly form working class backgrounds. I have friends too who went to private school but would never mention this to family. I live in an area that’s so different to where my extended family live and where I grew up. They make remarks about this. If I mention friends, family will ask what they do and then groan if I say something like dentist, or accountant.

I’ve heard all the mean things the extended family has said about others behind their backs, ordinary people who’ve just worked hard to make themselves comfortable in life. It’s obvious from the subtle digs they make in my presence that they’re saying the same about me.

It’s hard, because I was once really close to these family members and they were good to me growing up. I’ve found that there’s a better dynamic if I keep my distance slightly and keep them on a bit of an information diet. If I get too close, or they know too much about what is going on in my life, it gives opportunity for digs. As a result I have fairly bland conversations with them, which means I’ve lost the closeness I had growing up.

It feels like by succeeding a bit in life I've had to lose my family, I accept it now but just wonder if others have experienced this?

Yes I see it in my family. It’s very much driven by insecurity & jealousy. Ignore them. I agree it’s sad though.

I say 'I do think I'm better than you. Happy to have cleared that up.'

Yes I have. I’ve had a few things thrown at me like ‘I forget where I’ve come from’ and the likes. I actually had one family member tell their child not to talk to me as I’m a snob ‘because I pay my mortgage’ 🤔 I try not to think about it, my kids won’t have to hide behind the sofa from debt collector so that’s enough for me.

God yes!

DH gets a lot of "it's alright for you" and I seem to have been assigned a Miss Haversham type role.

Both brought up by emotionally absent, piss poor parent/s. Working class through and through. I'm only 55 but parts of my childhood read like a slightly polished Dickensian tale. DHs too, come to think of it.

But we both put getting pissed and living for today on the back burner and, collectively, gave up 8 years of earning a decent wage to go to university.

That seems to have put us beyond the inverse snobbery pale.

It's the constant tip toeing around that is difficult. I don't talk about anything that'll highlight the differences. But they ask questions and the answers provide opportunity for comment.

Don't tiptoe. If they are happy to ask you intrusive questions then just answer them. I don't see why you are sparing their feelings when they are not thinking about yours. And if they say things like "ooh lucky for some" or whatever then just say "yes we are very lucky". I think if you play into it by appearing somehow ashamed of what you've achieved then it gives people the opportunity to rub I'm what they think.

I know it's not the same, but some of my mom's family will say to me "oh you're like a foreigner now, doing X and Y," a little dig really, to say I'm getting to 'up myself' and I just say "well yes maybe I am, I've lived here for 10 years now!" Takes the wind out of their sails a bit

rub in what they think^ that should say at the end of the first para

And if they say things like "ooh lucky for some" or whatever then just say "yes we are very lucky"
I hate the 'lucky for some'.
One of my relatives insists it's luck that I've bought a house and we can go on one modest holiday a year. She regularly alludes to me and DH being privileged.
My response is 'yes I am lucky that the decision to retrain and change career paid off. It was hard work' and if I'm feeling a bit fed up then 'yes I am lucky to afford (nice item), but some people choose to spend money on expensive (insert item that they spend money on whilst feeling hard done to) and I don't'.

Same relative thinks I'm lucky to have savings, but can't see that is because DH and I both work, whereas they chose to be a SAHP, even when their children were in university and then found they were 'too busy' to work once the children were independent adults. I found out the hard way that pointing this out was a mistake because it opens the floodgates to sexist bollocks about how mums should give up their job for the children.

DH had similar family - because he married a privately educated woman, he was accused of getting above himself and being a snob by one of his brothers. We moved from his council house to our own house and he stopped drinking socially once we bought a car - again, he was forgetting his roots. This brother hated me so much he was awful about the funeral I arranged for DH (which he had planned himself). Completely toxic. In his case it hid an insecurity - he had tried to get away from his own upbringing by marrying a wealthy middle class woman but the marriage fell apart when he cheated, and she kicked him out - so he ended up back where he started and was convinced that his background (and DH's) was incompatible with social mobility. He was a twat.

@katy1213

Don't let the chips on other people's shoulders weigh you down!

This!

@Cpl415642

It's the constant tip toeing around that is difficult. I don't talk about anything that'll highlight the differences. But they ask questions and the answers provide opportunity for comment.

Don't tiptoe. If they are happy to ask you intrusive questions then just answer them. I don't see why you are sparing their feelings when they are not thinking about yours. And if they say things like "ooh lucky for some" or whatever then just say "yes we are very lucky". I think if you play into it by appearing somehow ashamed of what you've achieved then it gives people the opportunity to rub I'm what they think.

I know it's not the same, but some of my mom's family will say to me "oh you're like a foreigner now, doing X and Y," a little dig really, to say I'm getting to 'up myself' and I just say "well yes maybe I am, I've lived here for 10 years now!" Takes the wind out of their sails a bit

Good advice, I don’t tend to tip toe when they ask questions. I answered them, matter of factory without being sheepish and without providing any more information than necessary.

I tip toe to avoid proactively providing info that would be seen to “rub it in”. Or to avoid casually saying things that will give an opportunity for comment. Sometimes it’s not a comment, it’s a change of subject. Or you if I mention booking a holiday I’m abruptly interrupted to be told about someone else booking a holiday.

I suppose I tip toe in a way because it saddens me when I get that sort of reaction so I tend to stick to topics that don’t create it. It’s probably a self preservation thing - just accepting that’s how it is and dealing with it matter of factly.

I’ve got much better at dealing with it in a low key assertive way. I used to be sheepish but now I’m not as it fed into this idea that I’m somehow guilty of “wrongdoing”.

It mainly comes from aunts and uncles as my cousins haven’t gone to university and don’t have professional type jobs. They’re doing well but in jobs that the family are more at ease with.

It’s the being educated, living in a good area, the kind of holidays we choose. My accent hadn’t changed but I’ll use correct grammar etc.

They were originally so proud that I was going to university but now they’d love to see me “fall from grace”.

It’s helpful to hear others’ experience so keep them coming.