Husband always wanting to be top dog! Even with our son.. Interfering!!

[JC2021]

Hi All,

This is a random one, my DH has always shown streaks of being controlling and I have realised over the past years I have to have firm boundaries with him. He gets it. However, since having our son and him WFH the past year he has had the tendency to somewhat 'take over' -

He took major issue that my son only wanted me to put him to bed when he was 1.5years and still on occasion nowadays - also me and DS bonded very well the first year when Dad was working in the office and I was at home, but I feel like DH was very threatened (as was MIL) by mine and son's closeness/relationship and has since done what he can to push me out a bit.. His mum is a piece of work and in his ear about everything, mostly all that I do that's wrong - thinks the sun shines out of DH a**e. (that's another issue altogether)

All of a sudden at age 2yrs our DS no longer wants me or like me apparently (so he says) and only wants to cuddle Dada, play with Dada, be with Dada.. It's really hard on me as we had a super tough journey with him (a few early complications) and i've given it my all - blood sweat and tears..

Husband is very competitive, always has been with everyone, now including me it looks like. His mum, my MIL saw that me and son were very close and said only Dad should feed him his bottle to DH and so he did and I was fine with it as I want them to bond and be close - but never wanted to feel shut out.. My son actually called me by my name a few times too recently, which was weird.. I set him straight and said 'only mama to you'.

He is very young, 2yrs 4 months but so so aware, intelligent, spirited and a force.. I think dad has good boundaries with him and plays with him a lot, meanwhile I run the house, cook/clean and try play with the energy i have left.. I'm clearly going wrong somewhere..

I do need to be firmer with my DS (DH i think!) and have boundaries, I need to be implementing them more..

I've noticed that DH basically is interfering and meddling where he can so that always comes out on top, looking like the better one all the time and meanwhile I seem to be flailing behind somewhat.. DS still doesn't sleep through and is usually in with me (asks for me), so I'm knackered most days..

Any advice - greatly appreciated.

Pls no rudeness or patronising responses that seems to be the norm on here these days

I think toddlers go through phases of preferring one parent over the other and in your case it has become more likely because DH is working from home, and highlighted b y the fact that your DH is like he is.

Try to enjoy the relative peace and quiet of not being the favoured parent - get him to do DS related chores and enjoy putting your feet up for a while. I am sure it will switch back to you at some point. The reality is at nighttime when he wants love and care it is you he calls for. That says it all really.

But yes definitely reinforce the "mum/Mama" rather than first name. He is only doing that because DH is around more and calling you by your name rather than at work.

The calling you by your name thing, and randomly preferring the other parent is normal. Small todlers often switch back and forth between preferring one parent then the other. And I think once small children find out that you are "name" to other people rather than "mummy" they can be fascinated by it. If you keep referring to yourself as mummy (but dont make it obvious you mind him calling you by your name) he will soon finish that specific phase.
Your DH getting to spend all the time playing with your child while you do all the housework is unfair though. He should be doing some of the chores so that you can do the fun stuff as well. I am not sure how you can easily fix that though (maybe be more dad and muck up the ironing so he has to iron his own shirts etc). make a point of asking for help (and I know you shouldnt have to ask but it seems clear you do)

But also... you said your husband had shown signs of being controlling previously but you had firm boundaries with him and "he gets it". However, does he really if you are the default do-er of all the household chores? It seems like however you established those "boundaries" in the first place, you need to do it again to ensure a more equal balance of labour (I really wouldnt think about the childs affection in terms of boundaries at all, that is a seperate issue in a way and probably a phase)

I totally get parental preference at some stage of baby/toddler and that is perfectly natural/normal - I happily encourage it..

My gripe is that DH seems to try so so hard to be the preferred parent and in turn, I seem boring (he has more energy/better sleep) have less fun/airtime that he gets with him.. it all seems convenient for him..

when our son kicks off he rushes in if i'm stressed and 'saves the day' undermining my efforts most days..

I guess i need to bring it to him and chat about it..

He is very influenced by what his mum says and she wants our son to have a stronger relationship with dad than me - literally saying to me one day how 'dad is the most important person in a household, not mum' - cheers love!

I'm not sensitive to this but I do think and feel that to go purposefully go out of your way to be preferred parent, that bothers me.. it's too desperate and manipulative..

DH does cook a lot and helps with washing & dishwasher - but i do the majority of housework/chores as he is earning and covering all finances at moment - so there's always a slight imbalance in that situation i feel..

I'm less concerned about your son that I am about your husband. How on earth can someone be in a team, a marriage, when they feel competitive with their other half?? These types of people often have nasty streaks to them. Look up what schadenfreude is because I think that may be in store for you as well. Some peope develop that in relationships with a lot of issues and resentment. Others are like that by nature. Competitive people are prone to it because they feel a rush of triumph when they've won and someone else has failed. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that and I'm not drawn to very competitive people generally. It can be a very ugly characteristic.

My dd went through a phase of calling me and DH by our first names! And she adores
us both. So I wouldn't worry too much about that, we found it quite funny and sweet. Gently correct him sometimes, but dont make too big a deal out of it. Refer to yourself as mummy when speaking to him (eg, "give mummy the ball!" "Do you want to play with mummy?" "Whoops mummy spilt some water!" etc).

Its also very normal for them to go through phases where they want one parent more than the other. It doesn't mean they love you any less, and although it can feel hurtful they are too small to know what they are saying.

Make sure you are able to spend fun time with your son too, if you can't because of housework then make sure your dh pulls his weight.

Has you H always felt the need to compete with you? Does he know how you feel about his mum?

My son actually called me by my name a few times too recently
Normal, gets a response.

I set him straight and said 'only mama to you'.
Does your DH refer to you as Jaycee or as Mama?

At 2.4 yrs, your DS is setting boundaries and thinks he's the boss. You and your DH need to form a united front.

You might have a DH issue, but it could be 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. I think your DH being at home so much means that he might be encroaching what you see as your territory.

it's definitely not my territory, but jointly, ours - thats what a marriage is after all - supporting each other not being competitive or interfering.. he works in finance as is very competitive - he has that streak about him and always has.. I'm a musician and he has always wanted to dabble in music, an example, when people compliment my work, there's jealousy there - i see it (others have too) and yes, it has always been that way!

he can't stand anyone else in the limelight, even me as a mum with our son it seems!

Re your comment:-

"This is a random one, my DH has always shown streaks of being controlling and I have realised over the past years I have to have firm boundaries with him. He gets it"

What do you mean by this exactly?. I do not think he "gets it" at all because you have actually asserted your own self within the home; he has just changed his MO a bit. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and comes from wanting power and control. He wants power and control over both you and your son. His mother is probably very much like him in terms of personality, she has certainly done her bit here over the years to keep blowing smoke up his ass telling him how wonderful he apparently is.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. How are your needs being met here within this relationship?. You seem to be there to mainly serve him and his needs. He is able to work because of you facilitating his life. He doing some cooking and unloading the dishwasher does not take up hours of his day, your day is very much full on. I daresay he does not at all appreciate any of the efforts you put in day after day.

You do not mention FIL here; where is he?. I ask only as he is not mentioned.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. Is this really the model of a relationship he should actually be seeing?.

This is very concerning from your H and such men do not change. You come across as empathetic whereas your H is competitive and jealous of you, your good relationship with your son and your own success. He may infact have no empathy at all. You support your H but he is not and has likely never been on your side here. What is he like to people in the outside world?. Does he come across as being quite plausible to them?.

@JC2021

I totally get parental preference at some stage of baby/toddler and that is perfectly natural/normal - I happily encourage it..

My gripe is that DH seems to try so so hard to be the preferred parent and in turn, I seem boring (he has more energy/better sleep) have less fun/airtime that he gets with him.. it all seems convenient for him..

when our son kicks off he rushes in if i'm stressed and 'saves the day' undermining my efforts most days..

I guess i need to bring it to him and chat about it..

He is very influenced by what his mum says and she wants our son to have a stronger relationship with dad than me - literally saying to me one day how 'dad is the most important person in a household, not mum' - cheers love!

I'm not sensitive to this but I do think and feel that to go purposefully go out of your way to be preferred parent, that bothers me.. it's too desperate and manipulative..

I think your husband is definitely 'competitive' but I think you are being sucked into being competitive too. You have started looking at it all through competitive eyes:

My gripe is that DH seems to try so so hard to be the preferred parent and in turn, I seem boring (he has more energy/better sleep) have less fun/airtime that he gets with him..

No, it doesn't mean that you 'seem boring'. Stop playing your DH's bloody game. You are you, and you are your son's one and only Mum. Stop comparing yourself. Stop imagining that your son would even have this preference for a more 'fun' parent. Start to actually look at what your son NEEDS from his mum - that is your role, not the competitive 'who is more fun' shit that you are persuading yourself is important.

when our son kicks off he rushes in if i'm stressed and 'saves the day' undermining my efforts most days..

No, he isn't undermining your efforts, you are again comparing where no comparison actually exists except in your head. If it makes your DH feel special and important, well that is a different matter and I would personally find that sort of thing unattractive in a partner. But the IMPORTANT thing is that is takes away nothing from you and your efforts in reality, unless you let it diminish you by comparing yourself unfavourably. You do not have to do that.

In addition to being dragged into being competitive with your DH, you are also feeling in competition with his mother. That is the basis of perhaps all MN MIL problems - and you don't have to engage in that shit at all. It will only bring angst forever.

Just smile, and perhaps say that you will have to agree to disagree. Do not belittle your life by engaging in her games. You can't change her, but you can change how you react.

@JC2021

I totally get parental preference at some stage of baby/toddler and that is perfectly natural/normal - I happily encourage it..

My gripe is that DH seems to try so so hard to be the preferred parent and in turn, I seem boring (he has more energy/better sleep) have less fun/airtime that he gets with him.. it all seems convenient for him..

when our son kicks off he rushes in if i'm stressed and 'saves the day' undermining my efforts most days..

I guess i need to bring it to him and chat about it..

He is very influenced by what his mum says and she wants our son to have a stronger relationship with dad than me - literally saying to me one day how 'dad is the most important person in a household, not mum' - cheers love!

I'm not sensitive to this but I do think and feel that to go purposefully go out of your way to be preferred parent, that bothers me.. it's too desperate and manipulative..

I may be wrong, but it reads to me that you're both competitive. And actually, what matters is that your child is well loved and cared for. Both of you seem to want to be favourite parent which isn't a healthy view on things. I'm sure your LO loves you both.

Unless you really think your husband is trying to actively push you out, I'd leave it.

DH always wants to feel 'special and important' that's what frustrates me is that he is bringing that into parenting our son..

never thought of myself as competitive at all, but perhaps I'm just tired of it and equally trying to ensure I don't just sit back / fade into the background like I have done..

You are right what you mention about MIL, she is probably the most manipulative person I've met, which is quite scary actually..

But that doesn't retract from the relationship between us, but i do know she has big influence on DH which is a shame..

Thing is, I don't want to play any game, I just want to bring son up together in a stable, loving and encouraging environment for all of us..

there is no competition for MIL as I'm not competing, she is his mother, I am wife, that's it.. unfortunate for me, she doesn't like me but i try not let that bother me, she seems to play many games, I don't engage.. FIL has passed away, 6 yrs ago..

Also, to the outside world even with his friends, he seems competitive but has mostly friends that are not as successful as him - he grew up with them from a young age and doesn't have anyone around him to match or compare as he has done better than them all..

Sad to say, but I'm not sure if he has always been on my side tbh...

Your husband sounds like an absolute dolt. Just wait until he directs his competiveness and jealousy to your son, because this will definitely happen. Your husband is an insecure, twat of a man.

I'm quite surprised at some of the responses completely ignoring your dh and mils behaviour here. They are both (obviously your dh more so) are being controlling fuckwits here and I would be telling both of them to pack it in everytime something like this came up. His mother would be told to stop being ridiculous and but the fuvk out, and he would be told if he didn't stop his shit he would find himself without a wife very soon.
I don't think youbsound as though you've become competitive, the opposite infact. You sound worn down and frustrated with it all.

@Aquamarine1029

Your husband sounds like an absolute dolt. Just wait until he directs his competiveness and jealousy to your son, because this will definitely happen. Your husband is an insecure, twat of a man.

Absolutely agree. It will come eventually.

He sounds like competitive dad off the fast show. What an insufferable knob!