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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do if wife doesn't want to discuss way forward

20 replies

Catwoman76 · 09/02/2021 11:35

We often clash about parenting styles. Last night we had a big argument.
I am more of a strict parent while she is soft.
If I make a decision about something decision will say no let her be. Eg, last week asked dd6 to get dressed ready for school Teams call. Dw said ah let her be in her pj's. This is just one example. I just constantly feel undermined in front of dd6. Think dd6 is picking up on this as she's just misbehaved with me saying she wouldn't pick her coat up. I asked her nicely. She said she's going to get a gun and shoot me so I die!. I feel so upset inside.
Especially with all the disagreements with dw.
Everytime I try and bring conversation up with dw she just blocks me or just turns it around and makes it look like I am fault. I am always for compromising but it looks like she isn't at the moment.
We've been together 24 years and been parents for 4 and it's really driving us apart.
I am feeling so unhappy

OP posts:
Original poster
Catwoman76 · 09/02/2021 12:28

I don't feel like she loves me anymore

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 09/02/2021 12:32

Would you both be willing to attend a parenting class?

giletrouge · 09/02/2021 12:33

Can you approach her at a time when nothing is brewing and say something like, I'm sorry we seem to be clashing so much over parenting, how can we start to understand each other better?

You see the liklihood is neither of you are 'right', but you need to get perspective on each other's point of view.
Then when the conversation is opened up at a cooler time, maybe you could suggest having some conselling together if you can't clear things up.

Original poster
Catwoman76 · 09/02/2021 12:33

I would but knowing my wife she probably won't want to participate

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 09/02/2021 12:35

you've had loads of threads about arguing with your wife. you need to have a proper conversation with her.

MadameButterface · 09/02/2021 12:37

@Catwoman76

I would but knowing my wife she probably won't want to participate
you need to make it clear where your boundaries are. you can't go on like this. 'oh well but she wouldn't go' is not an answer. would she go if she knew how unhappy you were? would you want to stay with someone who prioritises their preference for not going to counselling or parenting classes over your happiness? no one on here can tell you these things. talk to her.
EnReconnaissance · 09/02/2021 12:38

@Catwoman76

I don't feel like she loves me anymore
Disregarding the differences you have in parenting styles, is there something else making you feel that she doesn't love you anymore? A change in body language? Behavioural changes?
Alexandernevermind · 09/02/2021 12:40

My DH and I have very different parenting styles. He is strict and the household joke is that I'm an absolute pushover, but we work well together as a team. One interesting thing though is that my eldest will listen to me; if I ask them to do something they will do it. I think this is because I show respect and get it back. I would never undermine my DH, but if I think he is OTT with the children then I will tell him. How is your relationship with your daughter generally? Do you have two way conversations?

Quartz2208 · 09/02/2021 12:45

I think I am right in that you adopted your daughter correct? I think therefore you need some specialist advice on parenting as it is not as straightforward and some of the responses that you are getting from your DD are to be expected given that she I assume was in care for 2 years.

Original poster
Catwoman76 · 09/02/2021 12:57

@Alexandernevermind

My DH and I have very different parenting styles. He is strict and the household joke is that I'm an absolute pushover, but we work well together as a team. One interesting thing though is that my eldest will listen to me; if I ask them to do something they will do it. I think this is because I show respect and get it back. I would never undermine my DH, but if I think he is OTT with the children then I will tell him. How is your relationship with your daughter generally? Do you have two way conversations?
I've got a good relationship with dd. We're very close. I play with her alot and give lots of cuddles etc.
OP posts:
Original poster
Catwoman76 · 09/02/2021 12:57

@Quartz2208

I think I am right in that you adopted your daughter correct? I think therefore you need some specialist advice on parenting as it is not as straightforward and some of the responses that you are getting from your DD are to be expected given that she I assume was in care for 2 years.
Yes that is correct.
OP posts:
Original poster
Catwoman76 · 09/02/2021 13:00

@MadameButterface

you've had loads of threads about arguing with your wife. you need to have a proper conversation with her.
That's the thing. I try to talk and sometimes she says she doesn't want too. I am not very good at explaining my feelings and how things are either.
OP posts:
fannyFERNACKERPANN · 09/02/2021 13:01

How can you be parents for 4 years unless you Adopted dd?

fannyFERNACKERPANN · 09/02/2021 13:01

Oh sorry already confirmed

HelloThereMeHearties · 09/02/2021 13:04

There's a lot more going on here than just trying to get your wife to see your side.

You both need professional adoption counselling to deal with this. As well as maybe posting on some adoption forums? Because it's a specialist area, and general parenting advice won't be relevant.

HelloThereMeHearties · 09/02/2021 13:04

I mean, you didn't even mention, in your first post, that you are recent adoptive parents. When that is the most important detail!!

baroqueandblue · 09/02/2021 13:11

PP is right, you need some specialist support with DD and this ought to have been discussed during the adoption process. What she said to you over the request to pick up her coat indicates that she has deep attachment issues and things aren't going to improve while you and your wife are so oppositional around the child. Are you still getting any input from social services?

TooTrueToBeGood · 09/02/2021 13:12

Start by accepting that neither of you is wholly in the right, you just have differences of opinion - that goes for you as much as her.

One thing the two of you can surely agree on is that the most important person in this dynamic is your daughter. Then you can hopefully agree that, without arguing over who is right or wrong, you haven't yet figured out how to parent effectively as a team. Focus on solving that problem. There are options out there to get help with that and you both need to park your egos and do whatever is best for your daughter.

baroqueandblue · 09/02/2021 13:19

I'm just thinking about what you said regarding not being good at explaining your feelings. You told us you're feeling upset inside and that's really important, as well as feeling that you're not loved by your wife. So please acknowledge that you can express feelings, you do here, but if your wife isn't listening that's a different matter.

Quartz2208 · 09/02/2021 14:06

Could your daughter be at school at all due to the adoption.

I have read your posts and you are trying to parent your DD as I would try to parent mine - and that simply does not work in what I assume was a Social Services adoption and a child who had been in care.

You both need to get some specialist adoption advice on how to deal with her - I think she has some attachment issues. DO you have a contact you can go to to ask for advice

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