Something wrong with me ?

[drlogerte]

Help me
I'm in my mid thirties, two young children. One from previous short marriage. I'm engaged to be married next year. Both relationships my partners have complained that I'm cold and don't show affection. I start off really well, head over heels but then I just stop. My children are everything to me and I just feel like men are an inconvenience and when my children are asleep Ild rather just be by myself. This has been the same in my marriage and high lasted a year, he cheated on me. I just think I can't feel love. Love for my children yes definitely but no love for another human being emotionally to be in a relationship. I have friends, siblings, love them and show my affection to them but I think I hate relationships. I want the things relationships can provide, security, two parent household for my kids but sex is not something I'm interested in at all. I never initiate sex, when we do have sec I can't wait for it to be over. My current partner he is a great guy, good father. I do sometimes fantasise about other men but I can't see anything more with them either. It's like I us men just to have kids and then I'm done with them. My partner he's in love, wants so bad to
Get married. I feel like I compromise a lot
In my life. My decisions to stay with men are always based on things like security, mortgage, children, never love or attraction. I really don't know what to do and you can tell from my post that I'm all over the place. Why can't I show affection, why do I get tired of men after 6 months ?

There is nothing wrong with you OP. I would look into your attachment style if you haven't already as it would give you an idea s to why you form relationships that way. Once you dig deep you cause strategies to overcome.
I would also have a couple of sessions with a therapist to look into your early experiences of love and affection. there may be some blockage there and a narrative that can be unpacked and re-written

I wish you all the best :)

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you.
Please don’t feel so bad.

There is a huge pressure to be coupled up and what ”romantic” relationships are suppose to look and be like.
Not everyone fits in that tiny, tiny, tiny little box.

Please don’t force yourself into anything.
You don’t have to fit into some neat little box.

Wow. This caught me off guard. Never thought I'd come across anyone who thinks and feels like me.

Sadly I have no answers for you, probably all the same questions if Im honest.

I feel similar. I’d like to be with someone, living with them for the practicalities eg half mortgage, help with childcare and company. I can take or leave sex and I can take abs leave rubbish, quite happy to have a relationship without sex but want the love and affection and shared lifestyle.

If you don’t want to be with someone then don’t be

I too would rather sit on my own of a night time when the kids are in bed. I have been told I’m heartless and cold numerous times by family and friends, but I think this is a reflection on how people treat me.

For example; my ex with whom I have 3 children cheated on me, we stayed together for a while but i wasn’t romantic anymore. I didn’t want to feel in love anymore. Before this I was very passionate about him.

I feel you OP.

I was actually looking to post a similar thread about myself. My partner doesn't understand why I don't want sex and yesterday even accused me of signing up to a dating website (I think he saw a spam email and jumped to silly conclusions).

He's turned to drinking a fair bit this last year becuase he's bored and tbh I kind of prefer it as he leaves me alone normally. I'm tired all day with a 3 year old and I'm also pregnant so super tired and I just see him as a pest. I actually sent him off to watch porn, he then started being more of a pest and kept saying let's have some fun I think we should start watching this together. He seems to think we are kinky teenagers with loads of free time and it annoys me and the more it annoys me the more I pull away! I would love to be on my own but practically and financially I can't right now.

There have been a few threads on here recently where women feel their partners are becoming ‘sex pests’ and are wanting more sex, passion and excitement. Not sure if lockdowns have anything to do with this as perhaps people’s usual hobbies, pastimes or friendships are curtailed so demands tend to be focused on partners. However, I think it is perfectly natural for your feelings, needs and values to change as you get older or after children. Other things become more of a priority.

My ex became very focused on sex and the more he did, the less I felt drawn to him. Some of his actions and needs felt really immature and it reminded me of teenage boys in my class at school who were chasing girls for sex and making pests of themselves.

Of course sex is a healthy part of relationships but it is only a part and it is natural for feelings to ebb and flow over time. More and more women seem to be experiencing this especially as their energy goes into so many other things...work, children, home, caring for parents. When you think about it, it is natural to want sex to be able to procreate and then once that is done to want to focus on other aspects of family life. As women that is our biological make-up.

You are not alone OP.

Some nice, supportive posts on here. Lovely to see.

But, op
If you don't love the men you are with, set them free.
To hang on to them, and pretend you do is wrong.

I have been called 'cold' - I dislike neediness and have no interest in affection from another adult in that way, I'm not a pet to be patted and sweet talked. Everyone is different, but accept this is how you feel and don't try to create a life you don't want.

Why would you marry someone you will not love or cherish or want to have a sexual relationship with? Or perhaps the question is how you could do that to someone? If you know someone wants what you cannot give then it is deeply harmful to 'go along' with things and give them false hopes.
Many people might think that if you've agreed to marry someone that you want to live up to the vows. There are so many posters on here with truly shitty men - why destroy the life of someone who is 'a great guy and a good father'? Why not pick on someone your own size?

There's nothing wrong with the way you feel, at all, just don't marry this man. It's not fair to either of you, and all it will accomplish is another divorce.

I understand you. I know now that I'm autistic and was happy to realise that I like my own company and need headspace and that's ok. I adore my husband and thankfully he likes his own space too, but there are times where he felt that I was cold and off with him. To be honest, it coincided with our children being smaller. I am very hands on with my children but by the end of the day I felt 'touched out'. I felt I didn't have enough emotional or physical energy for DH. He sometimes has to work away and I'm perfectly content on my own with the children. However, DH knows what I am like and as I have more time to myself I'm making more of an effort with DH overall. If you love him just remember to express that, if not, maybe he is just not for you.

OP I’m the same as you. I try to be nice but it really is try, I do it for my DH’s sake rather than how I genuinely feel. I very often would rather spend time on my own each night. I do like to be with him but really would only like to do so on my own terms. I guess I’m selfish.
I like spending time with my kids
I’ve wondered if I have a problem with intimacy.