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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unwanted house guest

44 replies

Snowstorm543 · 09/02/2021 09:06

Hello, I'm a regular on here but have name changed for this. Not sure if I've posted in the right section or if anyone can even advise me on this impossible situation.
My mil moved in with DH and I about 3 months ago. I knew it wouldn't work and warned DH but had to go along with it for various reasons that I can't go into without identifying myself. She has money and has a house of her own which is currently rented out. No health issues and could live on her own.
Anyway, as expected it didn't take long for things to go wrong and her and DH just can't get along and I can't stand her. She's said some awful things whilst staying here. Now as well as me, DH wants her out too. They had a huge argument where he told her it's best if she leaves and that we will support her and look out for her even if she lives alone nearby.
The problem we have now is that she refuses to go saying it's our job to look after her and that she has every right to be here. I just don't understand why anyone would want to stay somewhere they are not wanted. What can we do about this mess?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2021 23:14

@pog100

I'm not sure how relevant it actually is here but the minimum notice to terminate tenancy is 6 months during Covid and eviction is very difficult, so returning to her house isn't possible in the short term.

She’s not a tenant.

Charley50 · 09/02/2021 23:21

She means the tenants in MIL's house.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2021 23:22

@Charley50

She means the tenants in MIL's house.

Ah ok, but that wasn’t the plan anyway?

SionnachGlic · 10/02/2021 01:50

Why does MIL think she has a right to stay... might she have helped with deposit for your house or have some financial interest, just curious as to her logic behind feeling entitled? Or does she feel her son,and you by extension as his wife, are duty bound to assist her during covid if she would otherwise be living alone? It is quite odd that a heathly stable person of only 65 yrs would want to be there if she has somewhere else to go & the means to support herself. Esp if it is causing such family tension. Maybe she is in a bad way financially & needs rental income & is too embarrassed to say? Not your responsibility clearly but could there be something else motivating her actions rather than just being obstinate & difficult? I don't have a solution except straight talking & support from other family, your SIL, in the form of an intervention scenario... hopefully it might get through that you are entitled to your privacy in your own home & to decide when guests are welcome & when it is time to leave & reclaim your space. Good luck OP...

BlueThistles · 10/02/2021 03:17

She sounds like a riot OP... you have my sympathies... good luck with the removal 🌺

MadinMarch · 10/02/2021 03:46

Whose idea was it originally for her to move in with you and your DH?
Has she been paying rent to live with you, and has the rental income from her property been paid into her account?
Why will it be neccessary to top her income up if she moves to a new property- why can't she use the income she's accumulated from the rent on her property?
Why does she think she has a right to stay in your house? This is an unusual belief, unless there is a valid reason for her to think this?

Original poster

Snowstorm543 · 10/02/2021 06:59

Yes unfortunately there is a cultural element to this where it is normal for several generations to live together and it was just a given that DH would help her rent out her house, she would move in and be waited on (i.e. she just watches TV all day, does not help with cooking, cleaning or shopping!). Thankfully things are changing now but she is from a time where this sort of setup was just normal hence the sense of entitlement. Thankfully she has no financial interest in the house. Her old house is too large and unmanageable for her so the idea is to find her a flat close by. She should be able to afford that herself and DH/SIL may just need to help out with spending money and some errands as she doesn't drive so I'd rather that than live under the same roof. Will be so relieved when all this is over.

OP posts:

TheLaughingGenome · 10/02/2021 07:08

Where are all her possessions from her large house, if you don't mind me asking? She must have a lifetime's worth of stuff somewhere.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/02/2021 07:15

Rent her a flat and move her things into it calmly. Don't listen to her pleading and wailing about it. Just tell her over and over that is is for the best and will improve her relationship with her family. If she and your DH keep arguing she must know it's not going well.

Nsky · 10/02/2021 07:38

Very strange..........clearly times have moved on culturally too.
At 65 she is too young , late husband did stuff and expects the same, why did she ever move in?
She needs her own place asap

Original poster

Snowstorm543 · 10/02/2021 08:08

@TheLaughingGenome - Where are all her possessions from her large house, if you don't mind me asking? She must have a lifetime's worth of stuff somewhere

All mixed up in our things! Just some stuff left in boxes in our shed. It's been awful.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2021 08:31

You did warn him so its on him that he did not listen. I would think things started to fall apart a few days after she arrived in your home too.

Her late husband likely waited on her hand and foot and now she wants her now adult children to do the same. That is also why she shoehorned her way into your home, she wanted to and felt entitled to do so. Not all 65 year old women from her culture either acts like she does so cultural expectations are not the main issue here. Abusive people come from all classes and creeds.

If her own house is too big she could sell that and use the proceeds to fund her own flat. There is more at play than mere cultural issues; this is her feeling absolutely entitled to act like this and no-one to date has decisively called her out on her unreasonable behaviour. She uses fear, obligation and guilt here to control her adult children and you.

TheLaughingGenome · 10/02/2021 08:37

I agree this is absolutely, totally on your DH. He organised renting out her large house? Moved her stuff to yours?

That must have taken months. And a lot of organising.

Jeremyironseverything · 10/02/2021 08:41

As a pp said, the good news is that dh is on the same page. Imagine if he was happy with the situation. Short term pain, for long term gain.

Broken record, grey rock.

Original poster

Snowstorm543 · 10/02/2021 08:57

Thanks for all the good advice on here. Yes definitely all on my DH so he's sorting all this out with SIL and not involving me. I just want this over so felt the need to get involved. Agree it would be so much worse if DH was happy with the situation

OP posts:

giletrouge · 10/02/2021 09:50

So long term it sounds like her house needs selling so she's got the funds to support herself properly in her new home. Treat this like a transition that she needs help smoothing over, and keep firmly in mind that she'll have a new and independent life and she's going to benefit from it just as much as you will!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/02/2021 11:11

Unfortunately there is a cultural element to this where it is normal for several generations to live together and it was just a given that DH would help her rent out her house, she would move in and be waited on

Yes, I suspected as much but didn't want to assume

In which case it's even better news that your DH feels the same way ...

LookItsMeAgain · 10/02/2021 21:36

Can I recommend that you start boxing up her belongings so that they aren't mixed up with your things? Just a couple of things a day into a plastic crate with a lid on it so that it's protected in your shed. Start preparing her for her move. You don't have to tell her that it's happening and it's unlikely that she would notice one or two things being moved into a crate. Just to clarify you're not throwing them out, you're packing them up and she can have the crate when she moves.

Changeispossible · 10/02/2021 21:40

Awkward. Could your DH handle this one? It is his mother after all.

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