Have split and struggling with his lies and narcissism

[chocolatemushroom]

Hello I'm struggling with the unfairness of having put up with someone's abusive behaviour (varying degrees over the years) for 30 years.

They've now upped and left but to add to the pain they've caused, they have taken on what I can only describe as a new personality where they are talking 'at' me in a very pompous and very patronising way. They have completely rewritten events and situations and I believe, due to their strong narcissistic personality, actually believe what they're saying.

I'm finding that really hard to take - I've put up with, at times, awful behaviour and now have that basically thrown back in my face with lies and a very pompous, patronising manner with me.

I won't be speaking with this person again but I'm really struggling with his cruelty.

And can anyone help me to keep him out of my head for a few days at least. I'm very fragile because of his relentless behaviour, even now he's left and I need to try to get stronger.

I can't do this whilst I'm churning over his abuse.

Thank you.

Well...it looks like the trash took itself out! Congratulations ChocolateMushroom on your shocking but soon to be brilliant new freedom and self discovery.

He's gone...think of a funny name for him. How about
"The Cockwomble" or "Mr Fathead" or something?

That way you won't be saying his name again.

It WILL get better now....it couldn't with him there.

It is awful. My heart goes out to you, as I have been there too.

The main thing is time and no contact, if you can. You will churn over his abuse, but this is part of processing it. Don’t try to block it: allow yourself say an hour to think over it, allow your anger and upset to surface, and then do something nice for yourself - nice bath, gentle walk etc.

And don’t put pressure on yourself to ‘feel better’ by a defined time. I was determined to feel better after a year - and then had a massive crash when I didn’t’t. Now it’s been 18 months and I do feel better - by just allowing it to take the time it takes.

They mess with your head and you feel you are losing your sanity. Lots of self praise and care, kindness and doing nice things and being very gentle with yourself. Accepting that it’s going to take a while. That’s the best advice I can give, along with no contact.

Hi there.

I too am also dealing with this, except the narc is my Sister. I think you need to find your anger to be honest. I have been dealing with my sisters narcissism for 30 years also, and the final straw was a few weeks ago, when she said something awful out our elderly Dad. My post is here, feel free to read (but it's long, so beware):

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4154222-To-go-NC-with-this-person

If I was you, I'd spend a day documenting all of the shitty things he has done. Ask yourself if you deserved it (you won't have done), and then try to find your anger.

Also, it has helped me to realise that no matter WHAT I do for my sister, she will always treat me like shit. I'm 51 now and couldn't bear the thought of putting up with this crap until I'm 80 or whatever. I sent her one last message calling her out on her behaviour, and then I blocked her on all platforms. It's been blissfully peaceful since then.

There is no way you will move on from this man, until you completely block him out. You've spent 30 years twisting yourself in knots to please him, if it hasn't worked in 30 years, it won't work for the next 20 either. Do you want to be in your dotage still messed up by this shitbag? Or perhaps you could be with a lovely gentleman (or alone) feeling so pleased that you got out in time to rebuild and live the 2nd half of your life in peace.

He won't change. But you can.

Thank you and sorry that some of you are at the receiving end of this horrible behaviour too.

I feel such guilt that he is my daughter's dad. I knew what he was like. He badly manipulatively at the beginning of our relationship but then stopped and was more respectful for years.

Looking back there was no pressure on him during this time. Since our daughter has been born though he was pretty useless and distant with me too. She's 19.

Its evident now since he left that the only person he truly cares about is himself. It's been hard to witness and process that.

Reading your thread Summerblondey

Its evident now since he left that the only person he truly cares about is himself

And that will NEVER change. Try to look forwards to a life free of this emotional vacuum.

My mother has NPD, and so does my ex-husband. It took a year of excellent therapy for me to deal with the multiple sources of abuse and manipulation. It was life changing and empowering. It took a therapist to give me strategies on how to deal with these people...and try it out like 'homework' on them at home...for me to realise it was THEIR problem, and not mine. These micro-management techniques include self love (remind yourself everyday that it is the NPD person with the problem not you). All NPD types talk 'at' you and not 'to' you and they will always make their issues someone else's fault. They will always be hypercritical of you, and I believe it is deeply rooted in their own self loathing (no one can get everything they want, all the time...they suppress that anger and misdirect it towards others). You have to treat these people like you would a toddler having a tantrum. You might put a 3 year old on the naughty step, and you have to disengage with the NPD person too. They love an audience and an argument...even a fight is good, because it is all about 'them' and 'their' issues. Take their spotlight away. Learn no, and learn to leave these people well alone when you are feeling low yourself. They are vampires for other people and their energy, and will never agree with you or have empathy so stop trying to seek it from them. Understand and self accept that you are not perfect, and no one is, but that is ok and you are a decent person. Don't look at how they victimised you but move forward with new knowledge of how to deal with these people. Stop trying to validate your version of events with them...they don't want to hear that. Just nod and smile...it winds them up to boiling point when they see they don't push your buttons. I am forced to continue contact with my NPD abusers...if you can avoid yours, that is good. If you cannot, change your way of engaging and stop feeding those ego's. Good luck!!