How do you start again?

[Butterfly2021]

Hi all,

I left a relationship of more than 15 years after I finally had enough of his abusive and controlling behaviour I had been in relationships since I was 17 and so I’m now mid 40s and feeling like I’m having to start all over. I think time on my own has been good for me but I don’t want to be alone forever. I have two kids and I’ve concentrated on putting them first and it’s now been nearly two years and I’m starting to feel the need for companionship and some romance. However, I don’t want to commit to anyone or have them anywhere near my children, I have no trust in men and don’t even know how to even start thinking about moving on. I know this means deep down I’m not ready for anything new and honestly I have a very demanding job that keeps me busy- I don’t find it easy to meet new people and have not felt any chemistry or attraction to anyone in my life currently. I find the idea of dating websites a bit horrific. I just wanted to know how people in a similar situation managed to heal themselves and move forward. Any advice/tips welcome.

I don’t think you start over or again. You simply move on and into the next phase of your life.

I think you have to forgive your ex, on some level. There are nice men out there but angry or defensive vibes will likely put them off. Far easier said than done though of course

Watching as I haven't moved on after 7 years. Well, I have but not relationship-wise.

You don't look for romance. You go out with the girls, enjoy life, pick up new hobbies and continue to concentrate on yourself and hope it finds you.
I don't think you're ready for dating sites. They are hardcore, especially during covid.
Maybe you just need to enjoy life with friends for now. Which is easier said than done at this present time.

I think there’s truth in the idea I need to forgive him but I can’t yet. This isn’t the life I wanted and I resent him for being a narcissist and a bully. Stupidly there were times he said he would change and get help but it never happened. Feel angry with myself for wasting so much of my life with him. Maybe in more time I will feel differently.

I’m never good and taking the advice but I think I’m good at giving it. To move on I think you do need to find a peace inside and some sort of forgiveness for your ex and past to move on fully. I think being open and confident will attract others your way. Just remember this time your worth more and look for the red flags and act on them this time.

I have no trust in men ... I’m not ready for anything new and honestly I have a very demanding job that keeps me busy ... not felt any chemistry or attraction to anyone in my life currently

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. You do not need a relationship right now. You do not need to be defined by anyone else right now. You have got this and you have got this on your own (for now). Time will help a lot but don't think you need a man to fill an imaginary space right now.