Just had argument with wife in front of 6 year old

[Catwoman76]

My turn to take DD6 to bed tonight while wife went to bed. Wife has done past 5 nights bedtime. It's nearly 9pm and DD climbs into bed asking for mummy to take her to bed. I asked nicely for her to come to bed and I will read a story.
Wife tells DD6 to go to bed. DD says I want to relax here (in our bed). I again ask nicely for her to come to bed.
Wide starts getting annoyed with me and tells me to go and lie in her bed and wait for DD6 to come bed!? I tried for a few mins then went back in and asked her to come to bed. DD refused saying she wants mummy.
Wife gets really annoyed with me and says if I had of waited she would come and now that I am getting annoyed DD doesn't want to come to bed. All the while DD feeds off what she's said and plays on it.
Wife argued with me in front of DD. She told me to just go away. Wife said to DD come on we will take about it ..
I just can't believe we've had yet another argument about something so silly. Wife should've just told DD to go to bed in firm voice instead of being all mamby-pamby with her.
I am really sick of this life

It's worth noting I am Mammy and wife is a mummy. DD6 has good relationship with both.

When Mummy takes her to bed they have fun where as I have a different approach. I do stories then cuddles then sleep. DD6 only wants mummy to take her onto bed so she can play for longer.
DD6 even said this to wife and wife said to me that's why she likes me taking her to bed!
I said I have a different approach to bedtime routine.
Think every time wife says something to me in front of DD it just fuels her negative behaviour towards me

Imo dw needs to allow you to also parent how you want and assist in dd accepting that.. Her trying to gain favour over a joint dc is damaging to everyone... Even dd.

Just posting as I really need some perspective on this. I feel like I am being made to feel like the bad parent. There are other things we disagree on parenting as well. God I am so unhappy at the moment

I'm sorry you've had a rough time tonight. Maybe there'll be a quiet time tomorrow when you can talk about how to manage bed time.
We're all on edge at the moment. I live with my mum and DD. My mum is really kind, but sometimes I snap at her. I was harsh with my DD at bedtime the other day and pointed and shouted at her. I had to walk away and calm down. I felt very guilty afterwards. I read a book called "How to talk to kids so kids will listen". It has some good tips. I keep it by my bed and "revise" if I'm feeling ratty.
Come up with a plan, a way to communicate. I'm sure you and your wife love each other and would probably be on the same page if you talked it through calmly.
I bet neither of you wants to be having a go at each other in front of your daughter.

Our ds is 6. We take turns. Ds says I do the best stories! But loves dh putting him up just the same. We parent quite differently.. I am a bit shouty!! Dh has more patience!! Ds has the same level of relationship with us both. You are right to speak out. Did your dw carry your dd? Not wanting to be personal - sorry.

@Santaiscovidfree

Our ds is 6. We take turns. Ds says I do the best stories! But loves dh putting him up just the same. We parent quite differently.. I am a bit shouty!! Dh has more patience!! Ds has the same level of relationship with us both. You are right to speak out. Did your dw carry your dd? Not wanting to be personal - sorry.

No. Our DD is adopted.

I spoke to DD nicely and was patient. Wife was being ratty to me so daughter plays up to me when she hears this.

@MakeWorkYourNewFavourite

I'm sorry you've had a rough time tonight. Maybe there'll be a quiet time tomorrow when you can talk about how to manage bed time. We're all on edge at the moment. I live with my mum and DD. My mum is really kind, but sometimes I snap at her. I was harsh with my DD at bedtime the other day and pointed and shouted at her. I had to walk away and calm down. I felt very guilty afterwards. I read a book called "How to talk to kids so kids will listen". It has some good tips. I keep it by my bed and "revise" if I'm feeling ratty. Come up with a plan, a way to communicate. I'm sure you and your wife love each other and would probably be on the same page if you talked it through calmly. I bet neither of you wants to be having a go at each other in front of your daughter.

Thjng is we're rarely on the same page and that is the problem. I always back DW up where DW doesn't often do the same for me. I am the weaker one and she is strong personality. Last week dw took dd to shops and let her have 2 toys. This week again dw took her to shop and another 2 toys. Earlier dd6 said to dw she wants another toy to match and I said well you've had enough toys and dw says it only cost £2.50. I said it's not about the money it's about teaching her he wrong way. Everything she goes to shop with dw she gets something. Where as I would only buy her a toy once in a while. We differ so much parenting wise.

Could you discuss as a family a chart with who's bath/bed night it is? Can the other parent be 'busy' so no scope for 'interfering'.. Dd needs to be on board - explain it's so one can spend special time with her and 1 can have some peace and quiet! My ds knows my bath night is a no dc knocking on the door night!!

DW had taken DD6 to bed. I know it's going to be yet another argument when she comes back. We argued the other day and she told me to get lost.
Don't know what to say to her. Don't want an argument but when I try to speak she either says she doesn't want to talk about it or loses her temper.
I just feel like ending it all

In the past when DD6 used to hit us. Dw would end up walking out. Going for a drive. Sometimes she has stayed overnight in a hotel .
I believe dd has now an attachment issue with dw as she keeps saying she misses her when dw is in bed upstairs. Don't think that's normal for a child to constantly seek reassurance from parent. I really do think when dw has left us for 1 night it has affected dd attachment towards her

Of course children constantly seek reassurance from parents.

I understand your upset but if this is the only thing you argue about and the worst worry in your life then you’re doing 99% better than most other people in this country right now. Sorry but are you sure you’re not being over dramatic and perfectionist? Life, parenting, relationships aren’t perfect. Especially now during the most stressful time in the entirety of human history. Is it really that big of a deal that she spends £2.50 on a toy? Most kids I know are getting £500 consoles chucked at them and iPads. I just think you need to take a deep breath and step back. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
What most people do is have a clash like this and then they sit down in the cold light of day when child isn’t around and work out the compromise.
Bedtime stress and arguments are pretty standard until you’ve found what works. It’s not relationship ending. If you can’t discuss or feel heard go see a mediator and thrash out the general rules of parenting. It feels like you’ve turned this more into a competition to be honest.

Just saw your update. Umm yes. She’s 6 not 26. It’s absolutely fine for a 6 year old to want reassurance from a parent! I’m 50 and ring my mother for reassurance! My almost teen has just stopped seeking me out. She’s 6. Back off. You’re being weird. Read some parenting books

You’re arguing because you want your own way about bedtime. Why don’t you split the days. She does 4 nights you do 3 and neither of you get involved with each other’s bedtime. The other one goes out for a trip to the supermarket or a long walk. You really aren’t problem solving. Wanting to end it all over bedtime disagreements. Blimey. Come on. Grow up. You’re an adult. Do some adulting.

You need to talk to her. Ask her what she wants. How does she think her intervening all the time or putting you down in front of DD makes her feel about you?

Establish some boundaries. When it's your turn, she lets you get on with it and doesn't get involved. If kids get the feeling that they can play you against each other they will, however that does not make them happy in reality, or safe and secure.

Talk to her about your parenting styles. What's necessary and what isn't. Try to come up with a comprehensive and see if you can meet somewhere in the middle.

Completely different styles of parenting will be very confusing and possibly damaging for a small child.

Wow - there are some nasty posts on here.

1. It is not normal for a child to constantly want reassurance when they are in their own home with their parents.
2. Undermining the other parent is not ok.
3. It doesnt sound like your partner treats you with respect which is a much bigger issue going forward. You can only problem solve if the other person will as well.

Sounds like you need to have a talk with your partner about this at a different time - not in the heat of the moment, but somewhere else and when you are both prepared. You may even need a therapists help if you cant manage this toegether.

Take care and good luck.

@WannabemoreWeaver how many young kids have you got?

You do realise that children’s mental health is a massive massive issue right now. The govt are offering free child mental health courses. It’s recognised widely that the pandemic has caused huge strain to the nations kids but you don’t think a 6 year old should want reassurance from their parent? You’re wrong.

Oh and it seems to me that they are BOTH undermining each other.

I think people are being harsh. Don't listen to anyone who says "grow up" or that you're "weird". These people have no empathy. They're not giving advice or helping you to solve problems. They're simply making themselves feel better for some reason. There'sno way they'd say anything like that to your face. They have bigger problems than you.
Find a quiet moment to talk it through in a reasonable way, if you can. Or write it all down. Use "we" statements rather than "you" statements. "We seem to both be stressed about DD and I"d like us to talk it over."
Try not to be defeatist. Think about what you want to say and frame it in a non-aggressive way. Get a few tips from books to back up your thoughts.
Pick your battles. Tackle one issue at a time. Start with bedtime.

I agree with @WannabemoreWeaver

You've got to try to resolve it as best you can, but if your DW won't talk about it, I'd get professional advice or therapy or something.