Narcissist

[thecatsarecrazy]

Why do they suck us in? Why do they fool us? Why do we break our own hearts thinking they actually give a shit. Up until now he's pretty much hidden the nastiness. Tonight it came out. Told him his behaviour was upsetting me, not making me feel special. And I got no apologies. Of course not because he's a narc and it's all my fault. It's just so soul destroying. I ended up apologizing like an idiot. I just wanted to block him but I know without his messages every day I will be sat alone breaking my heart.

I know how you feel. Although I struggle to understand how someone so caring and attentive at the beginning can suddenly withold and seem so indifferent. I never know if the narc label is justified, not sure I fully understand it, but either way, it's awful to see men change you into someone so needy you don't recognise yourself. They make you feel not enough. Did you apologise to try and thaw his frostiness?

I could have wrote that word for word. They change you, make you doubt your own sanity.

It's horrendous. I think people who've been on the receiving end of a narc are the only people who can really understand. I'm long free of mine but the scars remain. If you have Instagram take a look at Melanie tonia Evans. I found her posts and content somewhat repetitive but incredibly insightful and helpful. It's the worst but when you know what they are and see them for what they are it's the first step in the right direction. Don't waste any more of your precious time. You're worth so much more than that xx

I ended up apologising because his coldness and hard shoulder made me feel shit. All I wanted was for him to say I'm sorry, and take my feelings into account. He started pointing out all of the things I have done.
It's just so shit. Someone who was so kind, phoning me asking if I was ok every time I appeared down, being sweet on my birthday etc. Now someone who is clearly pissed off if I ever bother him with my problems. But gets shitty when I don't talk to him. Why do they ask what's wrong and when you tell them they make you feel crazy

He came along at a time after I had my heart broken. He love bombed me. I knew too, it was too much too soon but I enjoyed the attention. He used to phone me all the time, text all day. He still messages but only phones when he wants to moan. He's working away in another country atm and said the other day that he's getting frustrated more and more every day we are apart, then last night he was just horrible to me. Because I dared to say I didn't like how he was talking to me. They make you keep everything in, pretend you're ok to keep the peace and avoid arguments. If you feel down no point telling them, if you have a headache they have a migraine, I said I was cold one day and he sent me a screenshot of the temperature where he is. Oneupper.

OP. You can see him for what he is. He saw your vulnerability and took advantage. He will quite literally never change. Doesn't matter who he is with by the way. He'll just rinse and repeat the exact same behaviour. Time to stop wasting any of your time surely? Do you have children together?

Not sure if you may have come across this before OP but it's very clear he's following this pattern:
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

As he's away that gives you some breathing space. What do you feel you want to do? Because without his messages you may be sat around feeling lonely and sad, but right now you're feeling lonely and sad anyway, right? If you bin him off, you're then free to start making other connections with people who actually value you as a human being, not some sort of plaything for their own ego.

No, no connection really. He's just someone I let into my heart and believed the bullshit. I'm in a better mood this morning. He's messaged a few times but I've just replied but not been gushing. Just yeah I'm fine sort of replies. He will get bored when someone else gives him the attention he wants

Time to move on before he inevitably does. That's the last thing you have control of...yothanks ur future. I'd just say thanks for the time we've had together but it's not working for me anymore. He'll hate it because narcissists love to be in control. None of it sounds like a pleasure, a relationship should be enriching and enhance your life not make you miserable, what's the point.

Hi I'm dealing the the break up of a 30 year relationship with one of these at the moment.

It totally breaks you. Sorry I can't offer advice other than, stay strong and look after yourself.

@chocolatemushroom

Hi I'm dealing the the break up of a 30 year relationship with one of these at the moment.

It totally breaks you. Sorry I can't offer advice other than, stay strong and look after yourself.

Did you have any inkling that you may have been with a narc during those 30 years? (Apologies for hijacking your thread, OP. I am interested in examples where NPD can be 'hidden' for very long periods of time).

I've known/suspected for about 10 years due to his cold, detached and, at times, cruel behaviour.

In recent years he's got much worse and since we parted he has really shown his 'true colours' and having a conversation with him is literally a case of ticking of the traits. It's awful.

Hope that makes sense. Hijack over!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Not sure if you may have come across this before OP but it's very clear he's following this pattern: www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

As he's away that gives you some breathing space. What do you feel you want to do? Because without his messages you may be sat around feeling lonely and sad, but right now you're feeling lonely and sad anyway, right? If you bin him off, you're then free to start making other connections with people who actually value you as a human being, not some sort of plaything for their own ego.

Wow that article is spot on

Thank you. I've googled so much about narcissists, he ticks all the boxes. I didn't want to believe it at first through the love bombing stage. But I was ready for it. When it did happen it hit me. Started off little things like not taking any interest in what I say, what's going on with me, just talking at me. Then little digs, and saying are you crazy? But last night it was full blown. I know it's tmi but the row was about sex. As I said he works away but we sext. I wasn't in the mood Saturday but I sent him something then he pleasured himself and went to sleep. It didn't sit well with me that he didn't give a shit that I wasn't in the mood but he expected it anyway, and some messages he sends are just disgusting. So I told him and there was no apologies, he just started pointing out all my wrongdoings. He stalks me on am and was basically having a go and saying what do I go on there for? Don't I give you enough attention. Why do you want to talk to creeps online. So he's controlling, toxic and insecure.

S.M*

chocolatemushroom My relationship has lasted 30 years also (nearly 24 married) Hidden for the first decade really, but incidents would pop up from time to time. Tried counselling - improved a bit - had a crisis with death of family member/losing his job and BOOM - out came the emotional abuse in force/stonewalling/gaslighting/threats to leave/threats to kill himself/ playing the victim and projecting all over the place.
It's taken me years to finally get the courage to say enough is enough - more marriage counselling/more texts saying how awful it would be to lose me etc..etc... but the minute he realised I was serious, he turned.
We are still sharing a house but he is blatantly dating, cohabiting half the week with the OW and being horrendous in his projection/coldness / saying 'the less we have to do with each other, the better' - trying to ignore me entirely and saying he doesn't understand why I am 'so spiteful and angry' about his adultery.
OP - you (like all other victims of narcissistic abuse) deserve better!