I dont think ill ever feel safe in a relationship again

[MrsDukeOfHastings]

I know this is probably not true but, after experiencing DA in my relationship with my DS dad and seeing soooo many posts on here about abusive men, I'm starting to feel scared about any future relationship.

I think what I'm scared about most is that the next one might be worse. I can do all the freedom programmes in the world but you will just never know what someone is like until you're in a relationship with them, sometimes they are so deceptive that you can't even recognise the red flags!

I think I'm sworn off men forever.

Tbh I dont know why I wrote this, just observing things recently.

I’ve found that I had to stop reading a lot of relationship posts on here because it started me feeling that all men are awful and cheats; I would take into account that people come on here for advice when they have a problem/to have a rant and apart from the odd thread it doesn’t really come up for people to talk about the good sides of their partners so it can seem very biased but it’s not necessarily representative about what all men are like.
After I came out of an abusive relationship I felt similar but the relationship I’m in now is healthy and happy; I got to know DH very well before we got serious, I took it slow and I was alert to how he responded to my triggers. I’ve also always made sure that if I wanted to leave I could so I have my own savings and financial independence.

I feel ya. Feel the same myself sometimes.

Take care to raise your son with respect for women. Look out for signs of cluster b personalities developing (which can be hereditary from the father). Might be wise to have him have counciling if he saw any of the control/abuse or if he maintains a relationship with his father.

You can only rely on yourself when it comes to spotting these sorts in future. But at least you have the opportunity to raise a good man. The world is in short supply of those.

Reading my post back I wanted to add that It’s more complex than how I’ve just described; it’s been 8 years since I left the abusive relationship and im not sure I’ll ever truly be over it but I have moved on.

Thanks for your comments, its sad that as women, we have these fears when entering relationships. As much as I want love and all those things. I just feel like it will be easier to never be in a relationship again.

I'm not saying men don't get abused and there isn't female abusers out there but it is a bigger risk for women which is totally not fair.

A Margaret Atwood quote sums it up perfectly - "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them." It's really, really scary dating after an abusive relationship. Therapy and learning to listen to niggles and worries are invaluable.

The thing is, there are plenty of decent men out there. Remember people don't post on forums to talk about how great their other half is, they post when they have a worry or issue they want support for or advice on.

There are good men, you can find one. But be comfortable in your own skin first and make a pact with yourself that a single, initial red flag is reason enough to stop seeing someone. Particularly when you've been through so much before.

I'm not currently "single" but looking to become so in the near future. (Not so I can date, just to be single, for however long!)
I have thought the same as you on my down days but I also think like above, here is a niche group of women looking for somewhere to offload their problems so the concentration of shitty men seems a lot more pronounced. I don't necessarily think it's like that IRL and things on here shouldn't be taken too seriously.

I think everyone should go into dating with their eyes open. Take everything at face value and don't make any allowances for crap behaviour, repeat the old MN chestnut of "if someone shows you who they really are, listen!"
I think it's a good idea to stop and take stock regularly, every few months of a new relationship you should ask yourself a few certain things. Is this relationship still working for me?, is it what I want? Think about Trust, behaviour etc and end things that don't work for you and remember you don't need to justify your reasoning to anyone.
Being single isn't the end of the world though, you don't need to put up with shit men.

I agree, on forums like this its unlikely you will get posts saying how perfect things are, but even so there is still an awful amount on here that make you realise there is a LOT of abusive men and I think when you've been through it you are more hyper aware .

I have no intention on getting into a new relationship, I actually enjoy being single, but I just think sometimes 'is this it for me' I get sad because of all my friends etc they all seem to find nice enough men and settle down (which is great!) But how did my path turn out like this.

I never imagined I'd be so condensed in this shadow that I would lose all hope in everything, but then here I am lol.

Thanks for all of your input though, I suppose I am just having one of those days.

I feel the same, not so much because of what I've read on here, but because of domestic violence. Also my overall experience of romantic relationships has been more negative than positive. Maybe it's me, or I just choose the wrong people, I don't know, but I've been scared off men for a long time, they don't seem worth the pain.

Be wary of "my friends all have great men" way of thinking.
You don't know them, at all. One of the most well liked, popular husbands that I know is an absolute psychopath. I found out purely by chance when I happened upon an ongoing incident (and I mean psychopath in the true sense, not in the overused description of a regular dickhead sense)
Everyone has skeletons in the closet, only some are worse than others!

I felt like that after leaving an abusive marriage. I just couldn't trust men.

Nearly 12 years later I don't feel that. At all. I have a partner (don't live with) and have been with him for 7 years, and he is definitely not abusive.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to start questioning your judgment when you leave an abusive marriage - it is hard to hear - but at some point you made some really bad decisions in allowing this marriage to continue to where it did. You didn't leave at the first red flag, you forgave when you shouldn't, and there will be literally flash bulb memories ingrained in you where you could have chosen a different path. That is not victim blaming before anyone starts on this, you genuinely have to look at your own part in this to heal fully and be able to trust your own judgment on any new situations.

Processing this is so so so important as you move forward - moving away from what he could have done differently, to what you could have done differently empowers you to never be in such a situation ever again. There will be more abusive men out there, that is a fact, but your journey means you have to make damn sure you don't let them anywhere near you ever again. You might get this a bit off to start with - start seeing red flags when there actually aren't any for example, but better that way for a while than ignoring red flags. You need to find the equilibrium - where your twat radar is finely and well tuned.

Of course, also, you can be fine on your own! And indeed, another goal is to be OK completely independently - so you never need rely on a man, and only want one for the intimacy a relationship brings.

@raskolnikova its sad to hear that, not only because you've been through that experience but just because of you saying your experiences of romantic relationships has been negative and its the same for me, I feel scarred for life, I find myself screwing up my nose at the thought of love. Ironically I feel the same when people say how much they love their mum, I feel sick even thinking it! And those are normal relationships where you should feel love. Maybe there's a connection.

@Plonque yes you're absolutely right, I suppose I dont know enough of their relationships to be certain, funny though, when I do see something that one of my friends accepts and I'm like no I wouldn't stand for that, I've allowed much worse!! We all have different boundaries i suppose.

@hamstersarse

Sorry I was tagging you hamster and it didn't post. I appreciate what you are saying but when you are in an abusive relationship you question yourself all the time, why did I do that? What did I do wrong this time? Why didn't I do that? That it's natural to stop blaming yourself. I recognise where I went wrong but I was just too scared I guess to do anything, however I know I won't stand for that again, self knowledge and reflection is always a good thing.

I really struggled when I met my DP after experiencing abuse from my ex of 10 years (father of my son). We've only been together for 6 months and I still get visibly stressed when we have a disagreement, about anything. And I still apologise as a default and he has said "why are you apologising?" so many times (so so so many times) but I'd gotten so used to avoiding conflict with my ex that I didn't know what "normal" is. Like talking about something I'm upset about, and he listens, doesn't minimise (even when I'm being unreasonable) and supports me. It is tough but I don't believe all relationships are abusive and toxic. The feeling of peace is amazing. I hope you get there too .

The key is to try to understand what attracted you to your abuser.

When we have experienced abuse, we are desperately trying to keep ourselves safe.

So for example, I was abused as a child, bullied and controlled by my parents and my Dad was an alcoholic who could be violent but also a nice man.

In my early 20s I met and stayed for 6 years with a man who was scary, bullying and controlling. I chose him because I thought he would keep me safe.

I progressed through several similar versions of my parents until I met dh and it was just blindingly obvious to me that he was kind and lovely. He didn't need to 'make me feel safe' because I wasn't in any danger from him.

Try to understand yourself first would be my advice. There are lovely men out there - I wish I could clone dh because his sort is so needed in this world

@Jumpers268 its mad isn't it that we can liat the things that are supposed to be normal and thinks its a bonus that anyone has those traits instead of just being able to assume people are nice. I'm glad you have found someone and I hope it stays that way for you.

@MrsBobDylan I cant say what specifically attracted me as we was quite young and whats attractive then is different to what's attractive now. I'm glad you have a lovely one and if you do ever invent a clone let me know lol