Am I over him?

[Mummyy20200]

I feel I'm 60/70% over my ex. For the first few weeks to a month I was feeling a rollercoaster of emotions and went through different stages. First stage was the overthinking and overanalyzing everything and questioning everything and doubting my decision and sometimes blaming myself and feeling guilty etc.. Second stage was the feeling sad and hurting and missing him etc.. I've been at the third stage for about a week now. I feel like don't really get any of the first two stages anymore. I feel like I've accepted everything for what it is. I accepted the contribution I made to the breakdown of the relationship but I also realise and acknowledge his very big contributions he made - which is why I accept it's the right decision to have split up, and I've sort of mentally put closure on it all and put it to bed. Of course it still pops into my head sometimes, but I feel I'm strong enough now to remind myself of things and then not think about it anymore. I don't feel sad anymore and overall I'm feeling quite content.

I am staying single for a while, but I've thought about other guys one day, and sometimes I still find myself thinking of comparing another guy to my ex. Again though, I always remind myself though about what my ex did and it makes me realise I'm better off with someone better one day. I compare some of the very few good things about my ex and wonder if a new guy will do those things or be like that , I wonder if he will be good with my DS, I wonder if his family will be good with me like my ex's family were (sort-of). I'm wondering if maybe this is normal? When you've been with the same person for a while and been around their family for a while, surely it's only normal to question what a new person and family will be like and having to adapt to new people and getting used to new people etc? I think an ex is a little bit like a comfort blanket thing , sounds daft, but you're used to that and have been used to it for a while, and then you have to get used to someone/something new.

Are these normal things to think about when you think of being with someone new one day? Does it sound like overall I'm at the place were I've got over my ex? Or at least got over the worst? Thank you x

I think you’re definitely over the worst! I also think it’s normal to make comparisons, after all what else will you compare a new relationship to, just as long as you don’t look at your ex with rose tinted specs.

That acceptance is a good feeling isn’t it?

@Hullish

I think you’re definitely over the worst! I also think it’s normal to make comparisons, after all what else will you compare a new relationship to, just as long as you don’t look at your ex with rose tinted specs.

That acceptance is a good feeling isn’t it?

Yeah you are right! I think I am over the worst. And the accepting stage is a great feeling! As is the closure feeling. Makes you feel equipped to try and move forward in life. I agree with you. I think that it's only normal to compare people and relationships sometimes , without it having to mean anything. Thank you x

Following. Its certainly a rollercoaster of emotions and ups and downs. The angry the sad, the analisng.. Eurgh horrible.
You'll find in time things do just move on, I'm hoping with me they do anyway, I feel like you said, he was like a comfort blanket.
My situation slightly different because neither of us wanted to split.. So I feel ill never get past him in ways and no one will compare. Relationships are really hard aren't they. Hugs

I don't think you're fully over your ex because you've written a post about him/being over him, but it sounds as though you're over the worse. My ex dumped me but he's stayed in touch by text occasionally. Before I was analysing and looking for signs that he was interested in getting back together, now when I hear from him I feel slightly annoyed if anything. Like it's a bit of a chore to give him headspace. I am interested in someone new now, and I don't think about my ex romantically at all. I don't long for him back anymore, in fact I don't want him back at all, and for me that's a good place to be.

One big thing for me was that my ex cheated on me, and I didn't accept that at first. It's like I completely ignored it. It took me a while to feel the hurt and anger towards him for cheating because I was so focused on wanting him back. Once I'd accepted he had cheated on me, my mindset changed from 'what can I do to get him back' to 'he doesn't deserve me'. It was a process, and it takes time! I've definitely learned from it.

When he first broke up with me I read some of the advice online about getting over an ex and it made me think some people must be like machines! It's like the instant the relationship ends you're expected to close the door and forget all your memories of the past, hopes for the future and immediately adapt! To me it seems far more normal to spend some time grieving what was lost, and to feel a certain level of apprehension about new relationships and about the future.

I think comparisons are normal and natural, as long as they're not too extreme and you're not holding new people up to impossible standards, and you're recognising that they are entirely different people. I think we can also use what we have learned from an old relationship when looking at new relationships. Like if your ex did something that you found particularly upsetting or annoying, you know to look out for that in a new relationship and to avoid it etc, and vice versa.

i've realized that when i'm truly over someone, i don't think about them, i don't ask others opinions about him, i don't ruminate about him, i stop comparing him to current dates, they just don't even cross my mind anymore.

so i think the fact that you are posting about him you aren't completely over him yet. and don't feel bad about that, i do the same thing, going over and over in my head about things, comparing, etc. it's part of the "grieving" process of the end of a relationship. it will get better.