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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I stay with this guy?

15 replies

SaffySinging · 08/02/2021 11:12

I have been in a relationship with bf for over 2 years. Our sex life has never been great and unless I start he's not really interested. We've spoken about it many times and he says that it's always been an issue for him with previous partners.

Now here's the thing. I took a sneaky peak at his phone when he was sleeping. I'd been feeling uncomfortable lately as he keeps on talking about the wife of one of his friends'. I've met the couple and there does seem to be a fondness between them, which is okay. But recently her name has cropped up in conversations a little too much.

But and here's the big but, it wasn't her that I needed to worry about. On their exchange of messages from a 3 years ago he told her that he was splitting up with his ex girlfriend because he'd cheated on her with a guy. I was gobsmacked to say the least.

So my question to you lovely people is whether it's possible to have a 'normal' relationship with a bisexual man. And how I get over the hurt of him not telling me the truth about him at the start of our relationship. Will he be able to maintain a straight relationship or will he always be looking for the opportunity to sleep with men. Should I tell him that I looked at his phone?

Sorry for all of the questions but I'm so confused. Please be nice to me as I really don't know where to turn. Thank you x

OP posts:
EstrellaPequena · 08/02/2021 11:29

Bisexual doesn't mean non-monogamous or more likely to cheat than anyone else. You're obviously not happy and having doubts though, so that in itself is enough 'reason' to end a relationship.

honeysuckle21 · 08/02/2021 20:05

I wouldn't, mainly because the sex life is crap, you've only been together 2 years and you have to initiate? That alone must be very frustrating.
I would worry too that if he's cheated in a past relationship then it's in his character to do it again.
I don't think telling him you looked through his phone is a good idea, it doesn't change what you now know anyway, use your own judgement if you should stay with him?

Regularsizedrudy · 08/02/2021 20:08

Its perfectly possible to have a great relationship with an openly bisexual man... not so much with one that is still in the closet and is shit at sex.

category12 · 08/02/2021 20:12

Maybe your sex life is poor because he's more into men and actually gay rather than bisexual?

Bisexuality doesn't mean an inability to be monogamous tho.

But if you don't trust him, what have you got really?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2021 20:13

I think you're in a relationship with a gay man, not a bi man, and that's like shoveling shit against the tide. This relationship is doomed regardless, so I would put on your trainers and start running.

TheChip · 08/02/2021 20:13

What makes you think he is a bisexual and not just gay in denial?
The shit sex life and the fact he didn't share this with you would lead me to believe that was the case.

billy1966 · 08/02/2021 21:19

OP,
Most likely in Gay denial.

And a real bloody liar to boot.

Who cares whether he's possibly vaguely bi or not.

He has kept a MASSIVE part of his character from you and wasted 2 bloody years of YOUR life.

Do not waste another minute with this liar.

Sex is shit and nonexistent because he has no interest in sex with you.

He has deliberately not told you this as he didn't want you to know and to have a choice.

You are a beard and he is a user.

Selfish and disgusting behaviour.

Do not bother wasting anymore time on this man who has so little respect for honesty and the truth.

He was so wrong to keep you in the dark on this.
If he was bi he should have told you the truth so YOU could decide if you wanted to be in a relationship with a man who also likes sex with men.

He has taken your choice and he is dishonest about who he is.

Unforgivable.

So sorry OP.Flowers

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 21:36

Op hes obviously not comfortable with his sexuality if he's hiding this from you and the lack of sex would make me believe that he's potentially gay and not bisexuality.

Out of curiosity has he mentioned that he wants kids???

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 08/02/2021 21:38

I was going to say no based on your title. If you asking whether you should stay with him, you know to do so would be a compromise.

The first paragraph again means you are not compatible. More compromise.

End it. Find someone you dont question being with.

DianaT1969 · 08/02/2021 21:43

Does he come from a family or culture that wouldn't accept him being gay? Wondering why he needs you if he's gay. If he's bisexual, I think he would have told you that early in the relationship.
Either way, he cheated and he hasn't been honest with you. You don't have a fulfilling sex life. Intimacy will suffer. You don't trust him and you abused his trust by looking through his phone. I wouldn't bother telling him about the phone. Just say it isn't working for you and move on. He'll probably be relieved to be able to drop the pretence for a while.

Anordinarymum · 08/02/2021 22:11

@billy1966

OP, Most likely in Gay denial.

And a real bloody liar to boot.

Who cares whether he's possibly vaguely bi or not.

He has kept a MASSIVE part of his character from you and wasted 2 bloody years of YOUR life.

Do not waste another minute with this liar.

Sex is shit and nonexistent because he has no interest in sex with you.

He has deliberately not told you this as he didn't want you to know and to have a choice.

You are a beard and he is a user.

Selfish and disgusting behaviour.

Do not bother wasting anymore time on this man who has so little respect for honesty and the truth.

He was so wrong to keep you in the dark on this.
If he was bi he should have told you the truth so YOU could decide if you wanted to be in a relationship with a man who also likes sex with men.

He has taken your choice and he is dishonest about who he is.

Unforgivable.

So sorry OP.Flowers

Exactly this
cosmicbabe · 08/02/2021 22:15

@billy1966

OP, Most likely in Gay denial.

And a real bloody liar to boot.

Who cares whether he's possibly vaguely bi or not.

He has kept a MASSIVE part of his character from you and wasted 2 bloody years of YOUR life.

Do not waste another minute with this liar.

Sex is shit and nonexistent because he has no interest in sex with you.

He has deliberately not told you this as he didn't want you to know and to have a choice.

You are a beard and he is a user.

Selfish and disgusting behaviour.

Do not bother wasting anymore time on this man who has so little respect for honesty and the truth.

He was so wrong to keep you in the dark on this.
If he was bi he should have told you the truth so YOU could decide if you wanted to be in a relationship with a man who also likes sex with men.

He has taken your choice and he is dishonest about who he is.

Unforgivable.

So sorry OP.Flowers

This.
Justa47 · 09/02/2021 05:11

@SaffySinging

I think the others are right.
He is gay in denial

MyVikingLife · 09/02/2021 06:10

He’s gay, in denial, will cheat again and potentially give you an STD. Plus crap sex, why bother with him at all.

Stonehopper · 09/02/2021 06:22

@Regularsizedrudy

Its perfectly possible to have a great relationship with an openly bisexual man... not so much with one that is still in the closet and is shit at sex.
This. I went out with a bi man, the sex was great, and although I eventually left him (for reasons unrelated to his bisexuality), we remain good friends. Your situation is not the same.
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