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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Photos

26 replies

lostmymind20 · 08/02/2021 07:54

Some of you may remember I posted about nonconsensual intimate photos being taken of me on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately MNHQ took it down as they didn't think it was real, unfortunately for me, it is. They've now reinstated my account.

Thank you for everyone who commented. We are currently in counselling, and even the counsellor downplayed how serious it was in our session this week. Being stuck here with (D)H who tells me I shouldn't be as bothered about it, and then the counsellor not taking it as seriously as I thought he should have done, I was starting to wonder if I had been overreacting.

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 08/02/2021 08:49

I remember your post. You need to change counsellor for yourself and get rid of this creep. If your daughter/ sister/friend came to you and told you a man had done this what would you say?

SortingItOut · 08/02/2021 08:49

Its unprofessional that the Counsellor has downplayed this but then if they told you it was unacceptable and you ended your marriage you wouldnt use their service and they wouldnt make any money from you.

I cant believe you're even trying counselling, your husband is a horrible man what next - sexually assaulting you because he cant help himself?

greyspottedgoose · 08/02/2021 08:50

What sort of counsellor are you seeing that doesn't think that's sexual abuse?

2typesofjungle · 08/02/2021 08:51

The counsellor is being very unprofessional to downplay such a serious offence.
Please please please know that you can and should leave this man.

It is not OK.

Original poster
lostmymind20 · 08/02/2021 09:43

I'm going to raise it again at our next session.

I've definitely been minimising the whole thing and the severity has now hit me.

I grew close to someone else, EA territory but it never crossed that line. I'd been asking his advice and vice versa, we were close friends. There were never any "I want to be with you" type messages etc, but his wife accused us of having an affair and it caused a lot of fall out and confusion. I was so wrapped up in dealing with that when I discovered these pictures I put them to the back of my mind.

He says he took them rather than look at porn (I'm aware most men do that and never had a problem with it) because he wanted them to be me as he felt I was too upset about the situation I was going through and not considering him enough at the time.

Now if I bring them up, husband says "well, you nearly had an EA" like it's equal. Is it?

OP posts:
IJustWantSomeBees · 08/02/2021 09:48

No, it is not equal. Please get away from this man OP

Chocolate123 · 08/02/2021 09:57

No it's not equal what you done was wrong but what he done was unforgivable. I really don't understand why you are staying with this creep. His attitude comparing it to at least he's not watching porn makes me sick. He took intimate pictures of you without your consent. It wouldn't be a counsellor I'd be seeing it would be a divorce lawyer

Rainbowshine · 08/02/2021 10:34

Ditch the counsellor and please report what your DH has done, it is a crime.

Itstimetoquit · 08/02/2021 12:24

Get rid of him,he's awful x

zigzog44 · 08/02/2021 12:41

What he did was unacceptable. You’re not overreacting, I couldn’t forgive it and I would leave.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 13:04

@lostmymind20

Some of you may remember I posted about nonconsensual intimate photos being taken of me on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately MNHQ took it down as they didn't think it was real, unfortunately for me, it is. They've now reinstated my account.

Thank you for everyone who commented. We are currently in counselling, and even the counsellor downplayed how serious it was in our session this week. Being stuck here with (D)H who tells me I shouldn't be as bothered about it, and then the counsellor not taking it as seriously as I thought he should have done, I was starting to wonder if I had been overreacting.

Joint counselling is a bad move.

Get your own.

Your counsellor is wrong.

Eckhart · 08/02/2021 13:14

Make the split in your head between your feelings, and what over reacting is.

Being uncomfortable/disgusted/feeling your privacy or space has been intruded upon/hating something to the core of your soul are all feelings. There is no such thing as 'over feeling' something. You have your feelings because you are who you are, and you've had the experiences you've had. They cannot be wrong. They must be respected by you, and anyone else who loves you. Anyone who loves you and wants the best for you will actively want to respect your feelings.

'Are you interested in respecting my feelings?' can be a useful question to ask, when somebody is pushing (or in this case, trampling on) your boundaries. If they say no, there's no point in sharing your feelings with them. If they say yes, you then get to calmly state your feelings.

Overreacting is when you don't like something and you make an action in response to it. So, if you don't like something, and in response that feeling, you throw the TV out of the window, you are over reacting.

In short, if you tell someone calmly how you feel, and they tell you you're over reacting, they simply don't respect you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/02/2021 13:14

Solo counselling with a new counsellor ASAP so they can help you see how unhealthy this relationship is and how much you need to end it.

You were unhappy enough you had one foot out the door and looked elsewhere. He's unhealthy enough he took pictures without your consent, then told you they were to wank over instead of porn as if you should be grateful.

This is not a healthy relationship. At all. In any way.

oohmama · 08/02/2021 13:16

I'm not surprised to read it was a male councillor

oohmama · 08/02/2021 13:17

counsellor

🙈

BingBongToTheMoon · 08/02/2021 13:21

Did you phone the police?

AnitaB888 · 08/02/2021 13:30

OP, words/phrases like; 'overreacting', 'getting emotional', 'being hysterical', are put downs to try to make you feel bad about a perfectly normal reaction to a bad situation.

Don't fall for this type of manipulation.

I'm sorry

Flowers
gaijinetal · 08/02/2021 13:40

You shouldn't be in joint counselling as he had committed a sex crime/type of sex abuse against you.

Your counsellor also sounds shit.

He says he took them rather than look at porn (I'm aware most men do that and never had a problem with it) because he wanted them to be me ..

Why didn't he ask your permission then?

What right did he think he had to do that without your knowledge or permission?

And no, almost emotional affair (doesn't even sound like you wanted one or pursued one) is not the same and a separate issue.

Original poster
lostmymind20 · 08/02/2021 19:15

Will seek advice from a separate counsellor and start preparing what I need to in order to get out

OP posts:
Eckhart · 08/02/2021 20:12

Glad to hear you say that, OP.

He says you were

not considering him enough at the time?

Masterful attempt at manipulation, there. He how he tries to make his appalling behaviour your fault? I wonder what he thought would be wrong with talking to you about how he felt, rather than taking the photos...

Eckhart · 08/02/2021 20:12

*See how he tries

user195436581575 · 08/02/2021 20:16

Joint counselling with an abuser is dangerous and specifically warned against, for exactly this reason.

That the counsellor is working with you on a joint basis under these circumstances and is not even capable of identifying blatant abuse shows they are not competent or safe.

Please get independent support for yourself and stop the joint sessions.

sleepyhead1980 · 08/02/2021 20:40

My husband did things to me in my sleep and I had the same issue with the therapist. She said she had to stay neutral and it somehow became about my childhood. Never went to any sessions after that!! Your husband trying to make out like your even is ridiculous. He could be charged by the police for what he did - you can't!!

Countingthebeat · 08/02/2021 22:35

Yes you are entirely right to feel as you do . I’d change counsellors. I would also report the counsellor to whatever the professional board is there . This is totally unacceptable

AnitaB888 · 09/02/2021 04:15

If you counsellor is registered with this body you can notify them of your concerns ;

www.bacp.co.uk/

HTH

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