Feel like I’m losing my mind.

[Onebigdream]

I asked DH for a divorce. We have gone back and forth, I’ve posted on here before that he has neglected family life for a long time and after being emotionally and physically disconnected and disengaged... Christmas being the last straw.

He has an avoidant personality and this has been an issue in our almost 2 decades of marriage but after years of therapy I feel strong enough to recognize this is not what is best for my family and my life. Staying in my marriage. We have 2 dc.

So this is the part where I feel like maybe I’m losing my mind.

But then I immediately think.... stop it!!!!

He is acting like everything is fine, being sweet as sugar, opening the car door for me, making me cups of tea every day, doing jobs around the house I’ve asked a long time ago to get done.

I have taken legal advise and told him so, hoping to reach an amicable agreement so we can save money in lawyers fees. When I show him I’m taking steps to make my decision- he gets furious, says and does things really hurtful. Blocked me out of bank accounts, tells me I’m crazy - no one else would put up with me or my crap....loads more but then swings to sugar and ignores what we are going through.

Is this normal?

I just feel exhausted and drained.

Yeah it is a bit. Its common to just 'wait it out' and hopedr you'll forget about it.

What annoys me about these men is they'll do the things they know they should be doing if they think they're going to lose their cushy ride. So they know, but didn't give a toss about doing it when they took you for granted.

It's an act and it'll get more irritating as time goes on. The love bombing part is worse than the nasty side imo.

You need access to money though, so you have your own account he can't have access to?

He's going to wear your down so you give in. Keep focused on that, he doesn't care about your feelings at all. Just his own self preservation.

You are NOT crazy. He is being manipulative. Stay strong.

Obviously more interested in continuing to benefit from a one sided deal rather than committing to being in loving respectful
relationship. The obvious manipulation from sugary to fury as if he’s training you.

Sorry OP. This must be rough but you’re doing the right thing

He is losing his grip on your life together, losing control.
Keep in mind what you are working towards, and keep going.

This is a common tactic with manipulative abusive men. They vacillate between 'sweet' and 'sour' just to keep you off balance.

I know because I was married to one.

Stay strong and focused. Don't rise to his baiting tactics. Remember the end goal and keep going.

He is manipulating you so you won’t leave.

It’s wearing me down. Every day I’m having to tell him exactly where we stand and that there is no hope for us. Then it’s war on... and a few hours later a more considerate kind person emerges. Like the person he was on the handful of best days of our marriage.

Keep strong. Can you go somewhere else to live until the divorce is finalised? He’s going to wear you down otherwise.

My ex used to have a flurry of better behaviour whenever he was concerned I was going to leave him. I never said I was going to leave, just that I didn't like certain behaviour.

It never lasted for long - he couldn't maintain the pretence.

When I did eventually tell him I was leaving at the end of the following week, it was all set up with a house for me to rent etc he started literally running around grabbing things & trying to sort out years of unsorted stuff

I left & he spent many months mooning about and not getting on with his side of the divorce expecting me to go back. I didn't.

Are all men like this?
Honestly it takes a huge strain on your emotional and mental well being.
I'm actually currently going through this at the moment, I've been having difficulties sleeping and eating properly.
I'm constantly thinking about the situation, so I understand how you're feeling drained.
Especially when you're trying to remain strong for DC.

We just need to be strong and stand our ground. He obviously thinks that you're not going anywhere, if he genuinely cared he would try to fix it before it's too late.

I honest believe actions speak louder than words. He needs to see that's it's over, instead of hearing it.

There are two things that could have helped me not to waste so many years saving my marriage:

1. you don’t need his agreement to split, it doesn’t matter what he thinks if you don’t want to stay in that marriage you don’t have to and he can’t make you.

2. You don’t need to convince hi you have a point, it is enough knowing what is what you want and put your ducks in a row, you don’t need him to facilitate your exit, leave when you are ready.

In general, the only thing that works is moving out, but that’s easier said than done.

Exhausted and drained here too, @Onebigdream but in my case, he just continues to do all the crappy things and has in no way tried to 'win me over' at all! And as @gamerchick says, I feel like my dh is waiting it out and just hoping I've changed my mind. The trouble with me is that I am too patient and accept his behaviour and just get on with life. I wish I could just snap and get it over with, and escape the mental torture. Good luck, OP x