Ex moved on. Why do I care??

[JSweetpea1234]

Hello mumsnetters
I can always rely on you to give me the truth. Any time I go through a crisis this is the first place I head!
Most of my posts have been about trying to get out of a bad relationship that I was in. We was together nearly 6 years and have an 18mo DD.
Towards the end he got abusive towards me and violent a few times. DD was very young and I was scared to leave because ‘I know he’s a good person really’ face palm and knew once he stopped taking drugs he would become the person I fell in love with again.
Anyway 4 months ago I got the courage to leave. Me and DD have been so happy. I’ve felt so free and have loved being single. It’s been a tough ride with ex, getting shitty messages and calls then begging me back the next day. I told him to move on and there was no chance of us getting back together, I meant every word and wouldn’t of wanted him back in ANY circumstance.
HOWEVER 2 days ago I found out he is seeing someone else (I know her) and I felt physically sick, hurt and shocked. I didn’t expect him to move on this quick. Would anyone else feel so down about it? I have been living my best life up until that very moment I found out. I can’t stop crying but I cannot understand why. I’m thinking of going back there which I know wouldn’t be for the right reasons. Am I crazy even having these thoughts after everything?? I do still love him but in a different way because of DD. He is still very involved with her.
I want to be the strong woman again that upped and left after 2 years of utter shitness . He knows how I’m feeling and he’s asking to give it another go. I’ve gone from one extreme to the other. Please tell me someone else had these feelings and how to pull myself together??

He knows how I’m feeling and he’s asking to give it another go.
So he hasn't moved on, and he's talking to you about getting together behind the other woman's back.

"... Violent a few times"...

You are still the same strong woman, who left.

He is still an abusive piece of shit.

I'd be pitying the new gf.

You are mourning the relationship you could have had. Can you honestly see him changing that much ?
He’s been violent and abusive, and takes drugs. Is that really the life you want for for your DD and yourself, how would you feel if your daughter was in a relationship with a man like your ex ?
Be proud that you you left and keep pushing forward with your new life.
And don’t follow him on social media.

It's not him you're missing - you're mourning the loss of what you thought you were going to have, ie a long happy life together. - Losing that future is a huge adjustment. And him seeing someone else has made it more real.
It sounds like you've been doing really well - don't blow it now. But be kind to yourself - you're bound to have dips.

You're not going mad!! It's very very common to doubt yourself and to feel pangs of jealousy. Because you're a human being, and you cannot turn off your emotions like a tap. Especially when you have a child together, especially when that child is so young.

I've been in this situation twice - leaving a toxic relationship, I was sooo glad to get away, yet on hearing that the guy was now with someone else (incredibly quickly in both cases) I was both angry and sad. It's natural. It will pass, and you will move on, and if the relationship does last, you'll get used to it - and hopefully she'll be a nice person who will look out for your DC during contact.

He knows how I’m feeling and he’s asking to give it another go

This would make me suspect that he's using this woman to make you jealous. Especially if you know her, and he knows that you would quickly find out. Is she a friend? Does she know he's a violent bully?

It's been just 4 months. That is no time at all. When you were actually moving out, you were full of adrenalin, and had a lot of stuff to do. Now the adrenalin has gone done again and you've got the time to sit thinking about things! Be your own best friend and treat your ex like an addiction that you need to avoid as best possible.

And what are you teaching him in all this...

That if he hurts you enough he can get exactly what he wants.
This new girlfriend is his punishment to you, for getting on with your life, please don't loose strength now.
Nothing will change, you know that.

He's enticing you to play the pick me dance, don't play the game.

He hasn't moved on, he's continuing to abuse you.

It is normal to have wobbles when trying to escape an abuser. The answer is to keep moving forward not go backwards.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Do you have an IDVA or any other support?

Its quite normal to feel this way, my ex husband of 20 years walked out in a massive strop, he was always doing it and I refused to let him come back because I was sick of it and realised I hadn't been at all happy with him for at least 10 years.
It still stung when he met someone else right away, uyou think they might grieve a bit for what they have lost but generally sub standard men do not.
Its ok to feel cut up by it before moving on again. Its a natural grieving process for the end of a relationship that produced your DD. The mistake would be taking him back.

@JSweetpea1234 it’s been a few months since this post - how are you doing?

Teach your daughter just one thing here! That you are strong and you’ve got this, there is no room for men in your life that treat you like shit! Including her Dad.

Questioning your feelings is what landed you in a relationship with an abusive partner in the first place. 'Maybe he's nasty... but perhaps it's just me being oversensitive...' etc.

If you trust your first feeling 'What he just did seemed nasty', without question, you'd be out of there.

And now... 'Why do I care??' is a bit like 'What's wrong with me??' Feeling sad and shaken when an ex moves on is common. It's completely normal. Don't worry yourself about why, That's like leaving all the windows open all day in February, and then posting 'Why am I cold??'

The thing to do is to take care of your feelings. Feel crap? Be lovely to yourself. Do all the things you can think of that make you feel mollycoddled and treated with kid gloves. The crap feeling will go away after a bit, as feelings generally do. Might take a few days, a few weeks, and that's ok. It's natural to feel a bit low sometimes.

Treat yourself like the gem that you are, and you'll bounce back much quicker than you will with the self critical 'Why can't I pull myself together??' standpoint.

[quote Jane88b]@JSweetpea1234 it’s been a few months since this post - how are you doing?[/quote]
Thank you for asking Jane
As the saying goes, time is a healer.
It was hard to sit back and watch but also great in the end to watch it turn to sh1t and again me come out the better person. Not an easy ride but thanking my lucky stars and mumsnet * that I never looked through those rose tinted glasses too long.
It has been 13 months since I got the courage to leave that abusive arsehole.
Currently living my best single life and DD happier than ever

@Jane88b
Name changed since Feb I'm sure you realised!

I’m also single parent - since before my son was born. He’s now 3 months old. We co-parent as best as we can but sometimes grits teeth together..

I saw on another post about your baby holding there breath, was that resolved?

3 months is a hard age @Jane88b It definitely gets better and you will find yourself looking back at yours posts as a distant memory. You will adjust to co parenting as you do anything else life throws at you.
Yes it turned out to be nothing, saw 2 doctors who both said 'is this your first baby?'
Says it all

What would be the benefit of going back? Instead of being jealous of his new girlfriend why don’t you turn it around and pity her instead? Remember the reason you left and be grateful for your lucky escape