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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Indecisive and confused...

27 replies

Nb1000000 · 07/02/2021 17:22

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible...

I have this feeling that something is off about these sort of comments that my boyfriend makes at me.

If he happens to go pick things up with the house such as toilet paper, laundry soap or pet food for example he will ask me if I'm grateful that he got these items and how grateful I am. Sometimes holding in and saying are you grateful before handing it to me. I dont feel good about it. I do tell him thank you most of the time when he gets things for the home. But he still does this to me. I'm not really so verbal when it comes to showing appreciation but I will do things for him to show it such as bake him his favorite cookies.

Another example would be that he asks if I need or would like something on his way home, if I say yes he then tells me to explain why I need something like paper towels then proceed to tell me no I dont need them. He says that im ungrateful because I use to many paper towels and he hates buying them for me. Or he'll say would you like some coffee from starbucks and if I say sure, then he says the line is too long nevermind and if he does decide to wait then when he gets home he tells me how grateful I should be that I got that coffee. So now when he asks I just say no, I dont need anything. Then he says I dont want to use his money? So it's very confusing.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 07/02/2021 17:29

God he sounds a bore. I couldn't be doing with all that.

It's only at the end you say "his money". Is he holding this over you?
Do you work?

overwork · 07/02/2021 17:32

You have to tell him how grateful you are before he will hand over the loo roll? That does not sound normal to me. And if that's how he treats you, a fully grown adult, what would he do to children who can't stand up to him? Personally, I'd be thinking twice about this one...

Nb1000000 · 07/02/2021 17:34

No, I am a stay at home mom of 3. My youngest will be in school this year so I planned to start working so I can become financially independent.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2021 17:34

Ffs, what a twat. Please be smart enough to get rid of this idiot. He's only going to get worse.

MrsBobDylan · 07/02/2021 17:38

Are the 3 dc with him? He is displaying controlling behaviours. He won't change so you have to decide if you can put up with it or leave.

Nb1000000 · 07/02/2021 17:44

Yes, they are all his children.

OP posts:
Powwow401 · 07/02/2021 18:07

So you need to be grateful for the things he purchases for your home, items he also uses? How much gratitude to you get for everything you do, and looking after his children. He doesn't sound very nice I think I'd loose my sh@t with him. I couldn't live like that

MerryChristmasToYou · 07/02/2021 18:14

That sounds controlling OP, and it makes me uncomfortable.

kimlo · 07/02/2021 18:19

does he know you plan to start working soon? Whats does he think about that? What else does he do thats controling?

Personally I couldn't be bothered all with that.

Palavah · 07/02/2021 18:27

I'd be tempted to ask 'are you grateful that I looked after our children today' as he walks through the door. And hide the loo roll.

morninglive · 07/02/2021 18:28

Head fuck man. He'd be gone if it were me

Nb1000000 · 07/02/2021 18:28

I have talked about working with him. Although I do enjoy being home with my kids, I know that I need my own financial freedom. I feel very uneasy when I dont have any money to get basic things sometimes. I dont want to live like that anymore. I do occasional small side jobs and even still I cant3 buy things for myself I have to use that money to contribute to the home such as bills...etc. Sometimes I'll buy the kids a treat with money I earn as well. Its confusing because if I want something I have to earn money myself to buy it. If he wants something he doesnt even have to ask or mention it to me. He just gets it.

OP posts:
Nb1000000 · 07/02/2021 18:32

I forgot the mention we live near a small shopping center, i had mentioned maybe I would like to work at the starbucks part time to earn some money to help out but he said that would be embarrassing to him if i work there. I want to work part time so i can work while they are in school and i can be home with them to care for them when they get out of school for the day.

OP posts:
ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 07/02/2021 18:36

Tell him straight, if its embarrassing for him if you Work at Starbucks then he needs to either give you money without being a dick so you can get what you need or stop making you feel like shit for picking things up as he knows you have no money and this is the only way to fix that problem without having to separate, if he doesn't get it, he never will.

Nb1000000 · 07/02/2021 18:37

Lastly, when I tell him that this hurts my feelings, he laughs and says I'm being too sensitive. If i really want something then I should not be lazy, stop making excuses, and set better goals for myself. That I should not depend on a man to take care of me. I should think about how he feels, having to buy me paper towels that I dont even appreciate.

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 07/02/2021 19:20

Wtf?! All of that over paper towels and toilet paper??? He sounds ridiculous. I’d be done with him.

Colourmeclear · 07/02/2021 19:27

He's setting you up so he can chip away at you. Day by Day. If you're feeling confused it's because he is making you confused. It sounds like a horrible thing to try and get straight. It's a very childish way of making himself feel better, he may as well say "would you like some of my ice cream, well you can't have any!" Before snatching it away from you. You should be grateful for the little things but you shouldn't have to say it especially when it sounds like he fails at the big things like understanding your worth, your needs and your desires. You deserve someone to encourage you and lift you up not drive you round in circles and stomp all over your ambitions.

Ken1976 · 07/02/2021 21:47

How do you arrange your family finances? Does he give you money to get the weekly shop ? Do you have a debit card to a joint current account ? How is your family allowance paid ? It should be to you for the good of the children so you can buy your own paper towels and , I suppose , sanitary wear. He sounds so controlling. It should be enough that you say thank you for things he brings home . No way should you have to grovel .
Maybe you could turn it back on him by asking if he's grateful that you've cooked his meals , or that you've cleaned the house or even that you've managed to keep his 3 children alive all day .
He sounds like an overgrown child and I'd be tempted to show him the door .

ilikemethewayiam · 07/02/2021 22:03

Wow! He know’s exactly how to keep you off balance doesn’t he. What an awful dynamic. He’s pulling a real mind f*ck on you. Constant word salad. It’s Very narcissistic behaviour. Having been married to someone like this, I can only advise you to leave. It doesn’t get any better.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 07/02/2021 22:18

Absolutely leave, you have nothing so you don't exactly have much to lose do you.

BlueThistles · 07/02/2021 22:27

Good grief OP.... reading this has filled me with such anxiety for you... Lady he is an abusive prick... 🌺

PortalooSunset · 07/02/2021 23:09

He's a dick. He doesn't value you as a person. My dh does the shopping each week, I say thanks (because I didn't have to go) and that's it. He'd bring me Starbucks without asking me first. I'm not showing off, I'm trying to show how a normal relationship works.

Nb1000000 · 07/02/2021 23:19

I do think its time for me to move on with my life. If these are the comments I'm getting on this small subject, you wouldn't imagine all the other things I've been through over the span of our relationship. I have always loved him and hoped for the best, but i have slowly started to not feel like a person anymore. I get very anxious and feel like im always messing up. Then he says I dont do enough and i need to do more and its never ending and he is not seeing improvment with me. Im exhausted. Im sad. I dont want my kids to deal with this either. Sometimes I struggle because he will go through phases of being loving and helping out at home but then one small thing happens ( like I let the kids eat a snack at the coffee table) and he completely tears me down and questions if im a good mother. He says he loves me but i constantly question why and how that could be true when hes always telling me im doing things wrong. One of you said I have nothing really in this relationship and I guess thats true. I need to walk away.

OP posts:
Nb1000000 · 07/02/2021 23:20

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
EarthSight · 07/02/2021 23:29

Sometimes holding in and saying are you grateful before handing it to me

What the actual fuck? He wants you to lick his balls in appreciation OP.

Fuckinghell. He's really disrespecting you. What a twat.

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