Should I contact my absent father....again?

[HereIAm0]

My Father left/was kicked out before I was 1 year old. He didn’t make any attempts to be a part of my life. When I turned 8/9 I started asking my Mum about him and decided that I wanted to see him. We wrote a letter to him and he got in contact, and I saw him a few times. Me and my family moved around an hour away from my hometown when I was 9 and he never came to visit, so it fizzled out.

Again when I was around 15/16 I wanted to get in touch so I contacted him, luckily he still had the same phone number. He came to see me a few times, but again it came to an end.

When I was 19 I contacted him again and met up with him once as I felt I wanted answers about why he didn’t seem to want to be in my life. When asked why he didn’t really bother with me, his reply was ‘it was easier for me not to.’ It was honest but it hurt.

I am now 29 and haven’t seen him since I was 19. I have text him on and off over the last 10 years but we haven’t been in regular contact.

My cousin on my Father’s side (his brothers son) sadly died a few years ago. My cousin never really knew his father either, so I wondered if his father or mine, would be at the funeral. Neither of them were.

I got married in 2019 and didn’t tell my father. My Mum and Stepdad asked several times if I wanted him there or wanted him to know and I decided I didn’t.

This past Christmas he text me ‘Hello Mrs X, hope you’re well, only it’s been nearly 4 years since I’ve heard from you!!’. He clearly knows I am married, either by stalking FB or through mutual contacts. I assume he’d been drinking and found his message to be quite hostile so simply replied ‘Hello yes I’m well thanks, hope you are too and yes it’s been a long time.’ I never received a reply.

I sometimes I feel I’d like to know him, but the fact that I’ve always contacted him first historically, always stops me. I feel if he wanted to know me, he’d have made the effort. As I said above my cousin who died didn’t really know his father. This clearly didn’t make my father think ‘it could have been my child who died, maybe I should get to know her.’ So maybe he isn’t interested in me?

Not really sure where to go with this or what to do. Should I contact him? Or should I just get on with my life?

Any advice much appreciated.

I think you are still curious and the not knowing is hurting you too. You already know he has walked away a few times, you aren't going to be surprised if he does it again. But maybe by seeing him again now you are 29, it might bring some closure. It might be good going into it knowing it is likely another goodbye nothing to lose etc.

They say often folk regret more what they don't do than what they do do .... so personally, i would reach out. I wouldn't do it for him. I would do it for me. That i was curious. That knowing or trying to understand helped me.

In the same way, I'd not contact if i thought i couldn't handle more leaving.

Might go well but realistically have to prepare that it may not.

Every situation is so different so advice is a little difficult, I've been in a similar situation and I'm extremely low contact with my father having not seen him for over 30 years. I won't cut him off because he's a manipulative bastard who will use it to blame me but I don't engage with him. It took me a long, long time to get to this point and I would have still been raw at the same age as you (which was around the time he made contact with me having not been in touch for 20 years).

You've reached out to him and he's let you down every time, there's no reason to assume that will change but where you go from here really depends on what you want and what expectations you have. I found a lot of peace when he asked me for forgiveness, not because I forgave him but my life experience made me who I am and I quite like me. Him asking made me realise that despite all the hard times I'd come out the other side a better person. For me, it helped switch from defining myself partly by that relationship to actually defining myself on my own worth. Your experiences are yours and yours alone. You may get some good, not so good or great advice here but really it does depend on you, what you want and what outcomes you can cope with.

I'm in the exact situation as you OP, I could have written this myself.
I'm now 28 and we're in contact by text and phone. He started up again when covid started so I guess he was feeling guilty. He's started to help me by sending money and we're slowly building a relationship, via the phone. I'm also pregnant so I think it helps, he's going to be a grandad which kind of gives me more reason to build a relationship and see him one day.

I think you have tried as hard as you can and at least you can see him for the person he is - lazy and weak (sorry, but it's true OP ). I would leave it now. You said yourself that if he wanted to know you, he'd have tried harder.
It's not you OP - it's him. I think however much you try, he will behave in the same way. It's time to leave it now.

I'm NC, though my parent caused a lot of emotional damage in the periods when they turned up to see us. My situation maybe more clear cut as I know having them in my life would only cause more damage to me.

My first thought was what are you hoping to get from the contact? Do you think you'd feel OK if he drifted out of your life again like he did every other time? Do you feel like what you want from him is a reasonable ask of the person he is?

I think as long as you feel you'd be OK if it ended the way every other time has, and if you're not expecting him to be someone he's not than you may as well try. But if when you listen to your deepest feelings on this, that a part of you still hopes he'll change it might be less harmful to you not to reach out to him again.