Partners Gambling addiction

[Isolatedmum4]

Me and my partner of two years are expecting our first child together in may (I have two older children from a previous relationship). For the past year I’ve seen his gambling addiction spiralling out of control and when I’ve tried to support him he tells me there is no problem or he’ll stop soon. Fast forward to where we are now, we have recently moved in together. He is responsible for paying the rent as the tenancy is in his name (his choice). I have a house of my own which i will be giving up to live with him, I planned to give in my 4 weeks notice on the house tomorrow but after finding out today he’s spent ALL of his wages and rent money he put aside on gambling in a matter of three days has left me feeling very uneasy and quite angry that he’d make such stupid choices. He’s not helped buy anything for the baby and when asked I’m made to feel like I’m pressuring him or he’ll say I’ll sort it next week which never happens. AIBU to move back to my own house for security for my children and myself? Im constantly worrying about money matters and quite depressed with the whole situation.

I would move back. He has an addiction and is in denial. Until he seeks help, he will continue to gamble.

You'd be absolutely crazy to put your future and security at risk by moving in and giving up your house. (Especially as you have other children?)

Go home, maintain your independence.

Do NOT give up your house. Make sure you have no joint bills, joint account, or any way he can get his hands on your money. He’s an addict in the grip of an addiction and you don’t want to suffer the stress and anxiety of that for the rest of your life. You will have an AVALANCHE of women on here in a few minutes giving you the same advice, many of whom have been through that pain. Listen to them. They know what they’re talking about.

Jesus, op, why have you allowed yourself to get involved with this car crash? Your post made my blood run cold, honestly. Stay with this man and he will drag you down right along with him. Move back to your home immediately and end this relationship. It is doomed, there's no doubt about it. I would be moving back to your home today.

Absolutely move back, he may well get evicted from his place in future - then where would you be. Expect to be funding yourself from now on, do not combine any finances or have joint investments. Huge mistake to move in with him, or have a baby with him, knowing already he's a gambler. He's just shown you how out of control he is, until he accepts that and seeks help, this will only get worse.

I wouldn't move in with him,he needs help!

You will have an AVALANCHE of women on here in a few minutes giving you the same advice, many of whom have been through that pain. Listen to them. They know what they’re talking about.

Yup. I could write for hours about my cousin. Her gambling addict partner destroyed her life, and even 10 years after she finally left, she is still dealing with the fallout. She is a shell of the person she used to be. He stole every cent she had, opened credit cards in her name without her knowing, and she lost her house because of the debt.

He is a gambling addict who will also destroy you and your kids via his addiction. You cannot rescue and or save him and what you have tried to date has unsurprisingly not worked. Nothing will work until he sees for himself that he has a problem. He likely will not. All you’ve done is prop him up and otherwise enable him. Enabling also gives you a false sense of control.

Do not give up your own home. He could well now get into serious rent arrears and or lose his name on the tenancy. I note too he is the sole named person on this. Move back out ASAP, this week preferably, and raise his child by yourself. Give this child also your surname rather than his. His primary relationship is with gambling, it’s not with you and in fact never has been.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Going forward work on raising both your own self worth and relationship bar through counselling. Put your children both front and centre and at the core of your life now.

Move back to your house and leave him to sort his mess out. He's an addict and until he's addressed this and admitted it to himself you really are into a hiding to nothing. Take care of you, your baby and your dc

Do not leave your property. It is very very important you take care of your own interest at this point. Do not put your security in his hands, he is an addict.

Take back your financial independence, fully.

Leave him
Also make him seld restrict on every single website for the maximum amount of time

Please don't leave your house. Years ago, when my DC was six weeks old I discovered my exH had big debts, and it wasn't only gambling. His proposed solution was that I go back to work immediately. I didn't - I hadn't fully recovered from the birth, I couldn't anyway - but I was so shocked that he would say that, that he had got himself into this huge mess and had not even considered my health, let alone our newborn. That's what addicts are like.

I think moving back into your house would be wise.

Make sure you move back ALONE otherwise you will end up with another child to look after ! His plan is probably to move in with you when he loses his own property and let you pay for everything coz it’s “your house” and before you know it you will be keeping him in money , whilst he’s spending all his money on gambling and you will have kids in the middle of the fallout ....

I would start making plans to go it alone !

Hey op, I thought I'd share my story as my dh of 8 years is also a gambling addict. when I first found out he was a gambler he refused to admit it was an issue or that he had an issue. However he reluctantly cut back the gambling and we agreed to him having a 5 pound bet per week on football as a compromise. Soon enough he blew the last of our money on gambling in one night and finally I think he knew he had a problem. I also told him that was his last chance and I would leave next time and I meant it. He's not gambled since and we've been able to have many open conversations about it and how his addiction is always with him. He says the urge to gamble never goes away but I know he knows I'll leave him and he's made the choice. I had to take a zero tolerance approach so now I won't even joke about gambling with him, even lottery is off limits. The reason for this is I noticed before he blew the last of our money that he would try and engage me in playing the lottery, get me involved in gambling in certain non obvious ways to make it ok for him. So now it's just totally off limits.

I think you need to set your boundaries now and hold strong with them because if you don't he really won't change and you'll end up putting up with it forever more. Definitely don't give notice on your house yet. let him know now that it's you or the gambling and he can either stop completely or you're leaving. Keep your house so you can go back there, or go back there and let him know what you expect from now on. Thing is, he has to want to change but it'll probably be helpful for you both to know that this addiction will never ever go away, even if he stops it, the urge will always be there so he has to have a lot of willpower and determination to make the right choice by his family

@Horehound

Leave him Also make him seld restrict on every single website for the maximum amount of time

Yes I got my dp to do this too. Also a new email address to stop the emails coming in from all the gambling sites.

So at the moment he doesn't even acknowledge that he has a problem?

It's hopeless. You definitely need to move back out, and assume that you'll be on your own with the new baby. How long have you got to go?

I'd say "Tell him unless he gets help it's over" but realistically, if he doesn't WANT to stop the addiction, it's pointless. He'd be doing it purely to keep you, and that's not enough to keep him clean. He needs to do it for himself.

I would plan to raise this baby alone. Give it your surname and launch an immediate request for maintenance via the CMS, because you've already experienced how he will shirk his financial responsibilities without a second thought, as long as he can say "I'll get round to it". There's no way he'll pay a penny unless it's being deducted at source.

I'm sorry, this is a shit situation he's put you in. Do you have any IRL support - family?

Eh?! You've known his gambling is out of control for a year but you've chosen to have a child with him, move in with him & give up your own financial security for him?

At what point on forums like these do you just shrug your shoulders? If you can't see the mistake you've made doing that then what on Earth can any of us say?!

Yes ive been through this they never stop EVER!
Go back to your house now and don't look back... he might turn out to be a good dad but never ever rely on him for any emotional support!

You need good boundaries and be strong... please do not give up your house

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

So at the moment he doesn't even acknowledge that he has a problem?

It's hopeless. You definitely need to move back out, and assume that you'll be on your own with the new baby. How long have you got to go?

I'd say "Tell him unless he gets help it's over" but realistically, if he doesn't WANT to stop the addiction, it's pointless. He'd be doing it purely to keep you, and that's not enough to keep him clean. He needs to do it for himself.

I would plan to raise this baby alone. Give it your surname and launch an immediate request for maintenance via the CMS, because you've already experienced how he will shirk his financial responsibilities without a second thought, as long as he can say "I'll get round to it". There's no way he'll pay a penny unless it's being deducted at source.

I'm sorry, this is a shit situation he's put you in. Do you have any IRL support - family?

And this ⬆️

Please tell me you aren't planning to give the baby his surname?

He can be a coparent without being in a relationship with you and certainly without you uprooting your other children from their own home.

Been there with my ExH

Do NOT give up your house. Go home. You cannot cure him. He can only cure himself. And in my personal experience, he won't.

Do not share finances with this man.

An addicts only relationship is with their addiction.

You will be financially ruined if you stay with him. You will never know if the rent is paid let alone have anything nice like holidays. It is a sickening feeling knowing that the addiction always comes first.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

I've been through it with my ex partner and lost a great deal financially and emotionally.

He is now over his addiction, but we aren't together, we have a son together and he gambled away everything he had, his full share in a home and a tend of thousands lof my money.

I learned the hard way that an addict can only give up when they really truly want to. No one else can make this happen for them, and it often only happens once they hot rock bottom which involves no one else helping them out.

I know it's hard to read, and you don't want to believe it. I know o didn't.

Please consider contacting gamcare who offer great support for families affected by gambling.

Please do protect yourself and your finances.