If you separated/divorced amicably, how did you actually end it?

[Walkingonthetopofahill]

With DH 11yrs, married 10, 2 dc 10&8. I was already sceptical about the longevity of the relationship by the time I discovered I was pregnant with DC1, we’ve trundled along. We’ve discussed separating multiple times, often after a huge argument, he has even got as far as looking at flats previously, but he doesn’t seem to have the balls to move out and I don’t have the balls to make him. He always asks the question ‘do you want me to leave’, which makes me feel that if I say ‘yes’ it’s me who has instigated the separation. We do sometimes have fun together, it’s not miserable most of the time, just co-existing. Ultimately we both want to live very different lives and to have got this far has involved one or both of us making huge compromises. There is no 3rd party and we both have good jobs; there is no reason for either of us to stay for financial gain. We don’t hate each other, I think we actually care very deeply for the other’s wellbeing. Neither of us wants to break the family up, but I think we are both realising that either we make an active decision to co-exist and nothing more or we need to end it and move on. How do we do this? How does one of us decide to walk out and close the door? We will both be completely devastated, as will the children.

At present you’re staying together because neither of you want to be perceived as the bad guy, which is very self indulgent when kids are involved.

Your marriage is over, if you aren’t part of the solution then you are part of the problem.

Your kids will be more devastated to find out later that they were the reason neither parent was happy, but "trundling along".

What really damages kids in divorce is when the parents are at each other's throats. You're not so this isn't going to be so bad on them.

Another option for divorce that may work in your situation is birdnesting. This means the kids stay living at home and the parents are the ones who switch between houses. Ideally you each have your own flat for this so is be expensive.

Thank you for your brutal honesty @AgentJohnson.

@yetmorenamechanging bird nesting would work for us, although I’m not sure DH would agree to it. We both have opportunity (pre COVID) to work away from home on a weekly basis and could arrange it that we largely worked opposite each other.

I am in almost exactly the same situation as you, down to same age of kids and length of marriage. Been sleeping in separate rooms for 4 weeks now, and if I'm honest I have no desire for him to come back. Feels like we are both so close to calling it quits but neither will, whether out of stubbornness or not wanting to be seen as the bad guy.

Sorry no advice, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Whats the worry about being the 'bad guy'?

Ending a marriage/relationship takes courage and bravery, there is nothing bad in that.

I admire people who end their relationship when they are not happy.
I stayed with my husband for 17 years because I wasn't brave enough to leave, luckily nearly 3 years ago I got brave and ended it and my life is do much better.

My DD, now 18 says she loves having seperated parents and 2 homes.
She doesnt blame me or her dad for anything.

Although not quite as amicable as you, exh & I were on ok terms, also had discussed separation, tried counselling etc etc. He ended up saying it, I agreed.
We did birds nest for about 1.5 years. Couldn't afford 2 places as well as keeping the house so we rented a flat nearby and alternated living on our own in the flat or in the house with the kids. We used a mediator to help us work through finances & arrangements & I then bought my own house- it's only 10 min walk from his so easy.
Our kids were 10 & 7 when we split and I think, although not always easy for us, the birds nesting was a really good transition for the kids.
Two last things-

1. Divorcing doesn't mean you have to stop spending time together as a family- we don't do lots of that but do sometimes eat out together and spend xmas etc together as a family. My boyfriend and his ex & kids still do quite a lot together, even camping/weekends away with larger friendship group etc. It works if you both want it to and stay on good enough terms
2. I cannot tell you how freeing it was to leave behind a relationship that wasn't right. I loved being single and although I missed the kids like crazy when they weren't with me (50/50 split) the time on my own was good. I didn't want a new relationship but have ended up meeting someone, taking it very slow but am really happy. You deserve to find your happy too and a life that you like living.

Your marriage is your children’s primary relationship role model, if you’d want better for them then you need to do better in the behaviour you model.

For all the reasons there are to not end a relationship, not being perceived as the bad guy is a pretty lame one.

You know exactly what you should do.

We just sort of realised we'd reached the end of the road and had a conversation about it. We actually had the same conversation about 6 months previously, but then neither of us did anything so we just sort of carried on. The second time though we decided to split and I found somewhere and moved out. I pulled the trigger, don't think exh would have, but he was the one telling me he is so much happier now I did feel guilty until he told me that a few months after the split. I stopped feeling bad for him from that point, but still feel bad for the kids, although they've adjusted as well as they could I think. Two years next month.

Be prepared for a roller-coaster of emotions

We went to counselling to see if we could improve things or not. It was pretty obvious that we were over and the counsellor helped us to plan out what an amicable separation would look like.
We are divorced 5 years now and much better friends than we were a couple at the end of our marriage!

Last January:

Me: this really isn’t working is it
Him: no
Me: what shall we do?
Him: I’ll look for a flat

Done.

Honestly. The separation conversation was that simple (like you, we’d discussed it before and had shorter separations before though - it wasn’t a surprise to either of us)

It’s been trickier since then (the legal side and the emotional side with dc) but we still get on well most of the time and I am genuinely happier on my own than I was with him.