Want to leave my marriage but don’t know where to go

[Chiccie]

I want out of my marriage. We’ve been together over 20 years and have two currently homeschooled kids. I’ve spent the last 20 years doing what my husband wants and he calls all the shots. All the finances are in his name. No shared bank account. He makes no effort with my family. I sleep alone night after night. I’m lonely. My issue is I’m now 50 and it feels impossible to start again. I live an hour away from family and 3 hours from my best friend. The area we live (chosen by him) is hugely over populated and I’ve struggled to find a job. It’s one of the most expensive places to live in the UK.

I don’t know what to do

Should I move back home near to family so I’ve got some family support or bide my time, get a job wherever I can and wait until lockdown is over. I have few friends where I live. It all feels too much to be honest.

I’m just sick of waking up on my own every morning.

Bump

Also trying to leave, and living in a town I hate. I’ve accepted that with a primary school aged child, staying geographically near to his father and established friends is one of the best things for him in terms of well-being.

Is there any way you can make it work? Or can you get a definite job near the rest of your family? How much equity and scope to downsize do you have?

Its never too late to start again.
How old are your children? Are they home schooled all the time or just during lockdown?

Do you have access to any money? Your own bank account?

Whats the house situation? Rented or owned? Who's name?

Personally I'd be moving closer to friends and family but depends on the ages of your children as to whether you do it now or later.

As you're married, you have a claim on marital assets, whoevers name they are under.

I'd move back near family if they're supportive and the area is cheaper. An hour isn't that far, so access can be facilitated.

50 isn't too old to start again. You don't want to be sitting here feeling the same at 60, at 70...

An hour really isn’t that far away. Not enough for a court to stop you moving surely? Can you move back in with your parents?

What he's doing is financial abuse. Have a read up. Also read coercive control, it's now a crime. I bet he's doing that and some emotional abuse too if you think back on the relationship.

An hour isn't far. How old are the children? If yr 7 or less, I'd move where your family and friends are and claim back your life. You'll be eligible for benefits and child support and a share of assets including his pension etc.

Get out, get angry, get a good divorce lawyer. Live YOUR best life not his. 50 is nothing. I have 3 friends in their 50's, all have new boyfriends, all so happy.

You can do it ! It's never too late ! I did it in my late forties , hadn't worked in 13 years . Step by step and you will get there. The fear of the unknown is what keeps us back ... but the future is so much better. Best of luck

@glitterfarts I have family an hour away but no friends there. I haven’t lived there for 30 years. So it means completely starting from scratch friendship wise in my 50s. No solution seems ideal right now. I’m torn. My best friends live hours away. I’m struggling to work out the best way to get support and be able to build up a social life. My family live in an expensive commuter town. Over £250k for a small terrace. I need to move somewhere affordable! I feel stuck in a no win situation. The only way to afford to be single is to move somewhere cheap and I won’t know anyone and have no support system.

@crunchiebabe did you stay where you were or move back to family?

In a similar situation OP. I need to leave, but have nowhere to go, no friends, unsupportive family 3 hours away, not enough money to pay a solicitor for a clean break divorce, no job.
Sorry to have hijacked your thread, will start a separate one.

The most important thing initially is to get work, wfh is much easier to find than it was . It's not easy but even if it takes months you will be a much stronger position, and have your own bank account. Where to live is down to your choice - I would look at rental prices because that's more realistic along with how long it is for social housing (once you are established in the area) as well as purchase prices, but also consider how long for contact visits, easiness of facilitating them, not sure how old your kids are? I have moved but my kids were over 18 so was free to go anywhere

I'm currently writing this in a homeless bed and breakfast.
Leaving was the best thing I ever did.
You will get support from different organisations I've got about 4 different people from different organisations trying to get my life on track.
Don't worry about money just leave, you will definitely get help with the council. They have to help you because it's covid19 everywhere and you have been abused pretty much.
50 is nothing I agree with all the other posters this is your life!!!
Good luck and I have definitely been in your shoes. ❤️❤️❤️

I left my dh at 58! Much happier now.

Start by thinking about the basics. Do you like the area your parents live in? Could you stay with them for a while to give you a chance to find your feet? Is it worth starting to put out feelers for jobs there? What work experience do you have and what type of work would you like to do?

I managed to get a reasonable job in a new area when I left, even though I was pushing 60 (I did have some experience in that field). It's not impossible!

Break everything down into small steps because trying to deal with all the issues at once is too overwhelming.

Good luck.

I stayed in the area for kid's schooling , luckily my family is only 20 minutes away, ex moved away !