Is it abuse? Whatever it is I can't do this anymore.

[Ellaandlouisqueenandking]

Hi everyone,

Today it was my dd birthday. I didn't follow hubby's instructions for icing cake and he said it was because I 'never listen' to him because I 'don't like' him. He said this in front of our daughter. I didn't acknowledge it because our daughter was there and because if I defend myself he will be pretty brutal with his words.

I lost my DM to covid in April. I'm struggling as i miss her dearly. Our marriage has been struggling for some time and the day before DM'S funeral I decided to bake cakes to keep myself calm. He shouted at me. Told me, because I'm overweight that I 'shouldn't be making those cakes. They're bad for you. You need to sort out your health and you don't care about it' etc etc. Maybe he was right but the day before Mum's funeral it seemed very cruel and broke me.

Now he's angry with me because ive gone to bed with a back injury. But he this whole lockdown we've watched TV together once of an evening. If I try and talk to him he is miles away and ignores me.

I feel like our marriage is over. I'm in agony about so much. I don't know what to do.

He is very critical of me. Only is affectionate when he wants sex and that's not often anymore because he 'doesn't want to make your bad back worse'.

What the hell do I do? I have no parents or siblings or family to turn to.

The thing that hurts the most is after years of asking him he eventually agreed to go to one marriage counselling with me. Whilst there he told the counsellor I was 'too much' and 'over sensitive' and 'jealous as I still have my parents around and brothers'

I couldn't do anymore counselling after that. His words stang so much.

Yes, he sounds horrid. Most likely these are all things he's doing on purpose. It'll take you time to see everything objectively and be able to make that decision for yourself.
The things you've describe sound designed to belittle and demean you.
He does the 'double bind' on you. Damned if you do and Damned if you don't! You'll never win with him.....
Read up on abusive relationships. Educate yourself. You'll find a wonderful community of women here to help you with your next steps....

Yes, he does sound horrid. Why does he have the last say on the majority or all things? Where’s your place in this ‘partnership’. He certainly doesn’t sound like your soft place to fall. And in a marriage we need that from time to time. I suspect you have much to think about, you deserve so very much to be in a happier place. Good luck.

I am so sorry op, but this is not a healthy at all and I am not surprised you feel broken after how your h has treated you. He knows you are struggling with your loss and he should be showing a more caring and thoughtful attitude.

His attitude during counselling shows a lack of empathy as well as blame shifting "too much" , gaslighting "over sensitive" as well as projecting "jealous etc.." He does not sound supportive and willing to change his behaviour or the way he communicates with you for the sake of your marriage.

Do you have any friends nearby who you could form a bubble with while you work out what to do? Hopefully someone with more experience and wisdom in this area will come along and say something helpful.

Stay strong.

These might help.....

Get educated, read the Lundy book first to find out how abuser type:

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Information on sick systems:
www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

The shark explanation:
www.google.com/amp/s/www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/amp/

Read up on the F.O.G
Fear, Obligation and Guilt
Out of the FOG is a good book

The opening chapter of this book is a great read:
Power
amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A]]

For more details:
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

For help on setting boundaries:
Boundaries
amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454&ved=2ahUKEwiI-_G8kJXqAhXPTsAKHf2RA2QQFjAMegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw04hvQ_8v2A95RpGSxSJxiV]]

For help on being separate from him:
Codependent No More
amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025&ved=2ahUKEwj05aWAkZXqAhXMbsAKHUGnDVoQFjAKegQICRAB&usg=AOvVaw22s2NxLWZ4Z2t0VO6bfF1o]]

For help on healing:
The Body Keeps the Score

www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Transformation-Trauma/dp/0141978619/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=body+keeps+the+score+book&sprefix=body+keeps&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1594459921&sr=8-1
Sheila O'Reilly

Ellaandlouisqueenandking that sounds really horrible. I am so sorry.

Lots of good advice on here and on similar threads in relationships.

Good luck

Thank you everyone. I don't know how I'll leave right now. To be fair to him I've stopped showing affection and washing the dishes. The housework I now do is minimal. I've become a terrible wife. I've even spoken to other men online to try and mentally escape. I'm the bad guy in all this.

I do show him affection but not enough. And I would wash the dishes but spend that time tidying up and doing laundry and putting away washing, other chores. House is still always a tip though.

@Ellaandlouisqueenandking You are .not a terrible wife, he is a terrible husband. His actions regarding your mum are reprehensible. He is an abuser.

Why doesn't he wash the dishes? Why is looking after the house all your job? Why should you show him affection. He's vile and doesn't deserve it .

In his defence he does wash the dishes. That is something he does everyday. I cannot fault him on that.

You've had so much great advice. I hope you realise that you're not s terrible wife at all.

So the practical side. Do you own or rent you house? Any savings? Do you work etc.

When you say you'll don't know how you'll leave, is that because of how huge the mountain seems to climb right now, or more practical things to consider, such as you don't work etc.

I feel I am terrible because of talking to others, letting the house be messy. I even left for a few days last year because I just couldn't be around him anymore. I went to Mum's though and it was too heartbreaking and I couldn't take my daughter with me as there was terrible leaks and damp there. So I came back. I work FT. We own the house. The mountain to leave seems so huge. I feel like i could try and fix things too.

Ok. Talking to others is just a distraction. But please don't carry on. You'll find yourself in an affair situation quickly and it will just make it all a bit messy.

You don't have to try and fix things with someone who's mean and horrid. You are perfectly entitled to leave him.

The mountain can be broken into smaller steps.
So you work FT - you have access to your own money.
Do you have any savings/debts?
Savings you can try and build a small pot that he can't access.
Debts. Pay anything off that you can now. Even if it means a declutter of stuff and selling it.

OP, even if you were the perfect on paper wife, it wouldn't be enough. He would still find a way to hurt you. This is not your fault. Being abused can cause great amounts of energy from fear to get things done but it can also destroy your energy because there is a feeling of it'll never be enough. That part of you talking to other men is the part of you that craves attention for being you not because you've made another mistake or being criticised. That part of you is holding hope for a better life. It's that part that can help you leave and recognise that you deserve so much better.