How much would you expect to see boyfriend/partner?

[HowMuch8]

I'm divorced with 2 primary aged kids. My boyfriend is the same. We both have full time jobs and we live 50 minutes from each other (so not feasible to pop over in an evening).

We've been seeing each other nearly two years, realistically discussing living together isn't an option as neither wants to move due to work and kids schools (plus not sure about blending families, kids ages and genders don't really work).

We see each other one evening and overnight most weeks, occasionally twice if one of us has a day off work. People like my mum have said this is really rubbish, the relationship will never go anywhere etc. But we seem to be jogging along fairly happily. Ideally I'd see more of him (and I think he would see more of me) but once a week seems about all we can manage.

If you’re both happy, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

If you are happy then thats great. Every relationship is different and no relationship has to 'go anywhere' if your 'anywhere' is right where you are today. Don't listen to anyone but just be happy as you are.

Actually that sounds like the perfect set up.

My ex dumped me because we didn’t see each other every day (we both have children). I tried to tell him that seeing each other every day doesn’t necessarily make a relationship more “real “ but he didn’t believe it. Now he’s living with someone else and he’s miserable having to see her every day. I warned him lol

As long as you are both happy then nothing else matters.

You know that not all relationships have to end in living together right? Or marriage.

It's what you make it. Your circumstances right now don't lend themselves to all nighters 5 times a week and neither do his.

I'd focus on your kids and home and see him as you are doing. Sounds like a good deal to me

If that's all you can manage ad you're both happy, then it's nobody else's business.

I don't think 50 minutes is too far, though. DH used to drive 50 minutes to see me (and the same back again) when we first started dating as I didn't drive. Could you not drive, stay over and go to work from there? Or vice versa for him?

If you are both happy that is what counts.
It doesnt matter what other people say, society seems to think if you're in a relationship you should be in each other's pockets but you don't.

I think a guaranteed once a week with the occasional twice a week sounds great.

When you're over 25 or with kids other things need your time like work, family, friends, hobbies.

Sometimes I'm surprised people have time for relationships🤣

I'm recently separated, well, a year ago and have met someone...I see him once a week as my kids don't know about him, although they do know him as a work colleague and friend. Due to Corona we've been keeping it quiet, although are each others support bubble so not doing anything wrong.
Once a week to me is perfect, we look forward to it, I miss him during the week and for example this week I had DIY to do and he had plans so we didn't see each other, I'll see him next weekend. I quite like the time to myself, I get 2 child free nights a week and I do love having them to myself. We talk every day and make plans to watch things together and chat whilst we do...works for us. Not willing to get into anything serious just yet, although we are very happy and he's brilliant, it's just nice to have my independence too. I do find sometimes I don't have time to see him because it's child free time and I need it to work, do jobs, DIY, etc...but it brightens my week seeing him so I make time 😂

Are you ok with that? As others have said as long as you are happy with that, if you're not then don't waste time being in the relationship that won't evolve.

50 minutes apart, perfectly easy to see each other for an evening visit in the week as well as time at the weekend. The amount you see each other to be more dependent on when you have your children than a 50 minute journey.

I'm happy to see him once a week, tbh I start work at 730am every weekday so a midweek evening round trip doesn't appeal, just, same for him I think.

Ideal world I'd live with him in time, but I'm more bothered not to disrupt my children's lives as they are happy living with just me and moving wouldn't be good for them. So it feels better to keep it as a weekly visit with messaging and some calls in between.

The criticism I've had is that we aren't 'committed' or 'in love' because we aren't combining homes etc.

If you're happy in your relationship, your relationships with those who are trying to bring you down are more of a concern. They should be happy that you're happy, not picking holes and trying to convince you that you should be unhappy.

My boyfriend is a 50/59 dad and I don’t have kids - he lives 20 miles away and I see him for one overnight a week. Kids don’t know about me yet and I’m not in any rush. I’ve lived on my own for 20+ years and have been single for the last 8, so our arrangement suits me perfectly.

As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters. All I will say is how will it work in a few more years when and if you decide you want more? If neither of you are willing to move and you don’t feel like blending families is an option?

Your both at the same point in life, separated with kids so have to make it work and one night a week is what I would expect giving both your circumstances, if how ever your partner didn't have children and saw you only once a week I'd advise him to move on and find someone who has as much free time/freedoms/no responsibilitys as himself, wouldn't be fair on him waiting around all week for the one night you would be free each night. I'd personally want to spend more time with someone to make memory's and have no restrictions on date nights/weekends away e.t.c which can't do when their are kids involved.

Well, what do you want?

Do you want your relationship to “go anywhere” or are you happy as things are? As you know, it’s unlikely you’re going to move in together and therefore it may be unlikely that you get married or stay together long term. If you’re okay with that and just living in the moment, do nothing.

To a certain extent, I do feel like if you both really wanted to live together you’d both find a way to make it work. Even if it’s difficult at first or requires comprising on both sides etc. Perhaps you’re both just happy and comfortable as things are as you don’t want to live together.

I don't know why a lot of people think you need to live together eventually to be happy or committed.

After a bad marriage I'm never living with anyone again, marrying or merging finances.
I've made that clear to my boyfriend and luckily he has a similar mindset.

I can see us in years to come still living separately but seeing esch other a few times a week.

Living together doesn't prove commitment or love.
Millions of couples live together but not all are committed, if they were then there would be no affairs or bad behaviour.

To be honest it sounds lovely, you are both happy and you don’t have to deal with his input on what you have for dinner or what colour you paint your walls! Best of both!

Thanks. I guess the thing is that in an ideal world I would live with him at some point, but its unlikely for a few years due to our kids. He has older boys and I have younger girls and I just can't see blending working well. I really don't want to disrupt their lives.

In a few years then the kids will be working age/uni so more practical to live together then.

I would hate to think we are not committed though. There are advantages to living separately, we avoid the mundane housework/grocery/bills dilemmas and disagreements. There is never a reason not to be happy if all you do is chat/have dinner/watcg films etc

I think it sounds great! Both my DP and I have children and we see each other once a week (more when schools were open as we could meet for lunch). Sometimes it's twice a week, depending on childcare and work. Don't let anyone dictate what works for you!

Don't feel pressured by what other people say.

Who are these people?! Why are you listening to their snipes? Tell them to bugger off, you're happy. It's a LAT relationship.

If you and he are happy with the way it is, then it's working and it's good for you both.

Living together and blending families is not always in the children's best interests, and I personally think it's better having fun times together rather than rushing into domesticity and washing his bloody socks. Women tend to gain more work and less leisure from acquiring a live-in bloke.

@HowMuch8
I'm with you about the mundane stuff isnt there. When I see my boyfriend I am 100%focused on him and us, when I'm not with him I am 100%focused on myself, family and friends - works perfectly.

If you're both happy with the current situation who cares what others think? I'm with my partner almost 3 years we live almost 2 hours apart and I spend 2 nights with him every week. We will move in together eventually when kids are gone but for the moment it works for us. Yes I'd love him to live closer to pop in for lunch but he doesn't so when we are together we make the most of our time together.

@HowMuch8

Thanks. I guess the thing is that in an ideal world I would live with him at some point, but its unlikely for a few years due to our kids. He has older boys and I have younger girls and I just can't see blending working well. I really don't want to disrupt their lives.

In a few years then the kids will be working age/uni so more practical to live together then.

I would hate to think we are not committed though. There are advantages to living separately, we avoid the mundane housework/grocery/bills dilemmas and disagreements. There is never a reason not to be happy if all you do is chat/have dinner/watcg films etc

I don't think that your current situation is a negative, if that was how you wanted things to stay. However that's not what you'd like and potentially you're going to hand around for 5 years before moving forward and may well at that time realise that you can't actually go forward together as you don't actually have a joint life, so to speak.

It's that balance between too soon and too late.

I don't understand why you couldn't blend. In many ways older boys and younger girls is easier than similar ages where they're expected to get along and share interests.

Equally, 25 minutes as a midpoint could be a serious consideration and not an unreasonable travel time.

Do your children see their father?