NC 2 days in - please keep me going

[Softspotwuss]

NC for this. Been a couple for 2 years. He’s fearful avoidant. When things got more serious after 5 months going from dating to being an item he flaked, minimised talking to me after he told me he loved me and eventually checked out (without telling me) but started shagging other girls. Asked for me back 3 months later and the relationship flourished because I thought he had put his issues to rest. Then found out he had a 2 week overlap with me and another girl he was seeing during the break. By the time I found out we had introduced each other‘s kids and everyone got on so well. We engaged in counselling but the bitter taste in my mouth never left.

He’s been faithful (I kept tabs - not proud of it, please don’t slate me) but recently struggled with taking the relationship further. Moving in or at least making plans. We are both mid 30 and divorced. Financially secure and independent.

I wanted more and he basically said to me he likes his own space and doesn’t love me enough to move in together. I took some time to process.

I’ve been reading „Baggage Reclaim“ and seeing the assclown in him.

He keeps messaging but I‘m not even reading it. Not blocked (should I)? But I need to hear words of encouragement that NC have you your live back. I don’t want to feel what I am feeling now. I want to go to sleep and wake up in 6 months‘ time. Please handhold.

Keep reading that sentence back to yourself. "Doesnt love me enough to move in together". That's all you need to know. He sounds like an absolute arse hole prick to me. You need to block and look at it like you've had a lucky escape. Take it one day at a time. NC sets you free. Physically and emotionally

Never done NC before bit feel it’s my only option. He shows up on my door when I block him. I don’t feel strong enough. I want that fantasy back but the real him is sapping me dry. Thank you @Ging7878

You have to block him on everything. Remove all things around you that may remind you of him and stick to it for minimum of 30 days. Its hard but it works. If you weaken and communicate with him you have to reset and start again from the beginning for 30 days minimum. It will set you free I promise.

Thank you @litterbird I have never done it before. Will delete all comms and phone number and block.

When he shows up, dont let him in. Remind yourself of all the things he's said and his shitty and disrespectful behaviour. If you do let him in, you are literally going to be in exactly the same place 6 months down the line. He will be shocked at the change in you and every day of NC will make he realise that you are serious and it's done. When your having a weak moment and go near the dreaded "unblock' option on your phone you need to distract yourself anyway you can. A bath, wash your hair, pamper yourself, watch a film, write a list of all of the times he has hurt you, beat shit out of the pillow on your bed honestly the list is endless. You can do this. Know your worth and know hes a dick

Ps the fantasy of them is amazing. I know exactly what you mean. I loved that fantasy.....saw that many red flags that I could have knitted a scarf with them but when your in it, so so deep, a red flag just becomes a flag. You really do sound like you have dodged a bullet with him

I went NC with my ex, we couldn't agree on a future. I used to give in but have realised I'm wasting my time.
I told him this and heard nothing.. 28 days passed and as very hard as it was as neither of us wanted it really to happen it had to. Then a parcel arrived for my birthday.. I switched off.. Next day another.. On my birthday I politely thanked him and hoped he was OK and he replied saying 'I guess' and hoped I'd had a good day.. And back we are to the silence and trying to start again.
You can do it

@Ging7878 That scarf analogy is so true!! In my head we could have had an amazing life - IF

Been doing a lot of reading on Baggage Reclaim and am holding steadfast in my decision. Lockdown isn’t helping but I can do this.

@Ntwa Thank you for telling me how to handle this. He will keep trying at least until lockdown lifts because I‘m an easy shag and emotional Support pillar to lean on. I gave him so many chances. It cut me deep when he said it didn’t love me enough.

I said you were married before so clearly you felt enough for someone then. That hurt me even more. Nah I am done. The fantasy of what could have been cuts me deep but that’s not reality..

@softspotwuss sorry I didn't really help, just vented.
Yes you're right and he will keep trying I'm sure. What you said about being married hit the nail on the head and they've done it before and so they are capable

Yes @ntea, thank you for saying I had a point. BReclaim says it’s all excuses.

I think this quote by Elizabeth Gilbert sums up the fantasy we hold onto...
"I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”