Secretly giving money to his stb ex wife

[Rudbeckia33]

Name changed....
My partner of two years, living with him 18 months... When I met him he'd left his wife and was living in a flat, he said he'd agreed to pay for the months all the bills and mortgage.
That was my understanding.
I recently found emails with him trying to call in his pension early and borrowing money from a mate in other to pay her.
We are taking 550 a month for bills and mortgage. She started divorce proceedings last year which will be completed next month. I asked if he's still giving her anything he said no and all his pay goes into our joint account...he's obviously lending from his friend...

This should read he agreed to pay for three months...

Ok,you’ve got a shaky relationship. You snoop and he lies. Not a winning combination
Why is he still paying her bills,is there still a connection? Does he feel guilty?The accommodation he pays for,is that a family home with his children?
It’s clearly an issue if he’s undertaking private loans from friends

It sounds to be as if he's still paying the mortgage until the house is sold. Is that a problem? (apart from the deceipt of course).

Presumably he's paying his way in your house?

As an aside I would never have a joint account, my Money is mine. His is his
Your joint account is it bills,accommodation,utilities only?or an account with your two salaries

That’s a cheap mortgage (missing the point, clearly). Is he paying all of it or just his half?

As PP have said, do they have DC they need to provide for?

If not, they’re still going to have to pay the mortgage between them until the house is sold or it’ll presumably default.

Then he’d get virtually nothing once the bank had “auctioned” it off to a cash-paying speculator who’ll get it for peanuts and flip it for a massive profit. Surely it’s in his interests not to allow that to happen?

Well yes, if there are kids involved, he is likely to have to pay something out till they are 18. Is he lying about it because he senses your disapproval? If you are prepared to date a man who has newly split up and yet to divorce, you can expect that he will have little disposable income to spend with you. That's kindof the choice you made. He knows this makes him a less attractive prospect as a partner, so he's hiding it, and maybe you could of considered this before moving in with him and joining bank accounts. Bad idea to move in after only 6 months together and before divorced. You've saddled yourself with a partner in a financial mess.

£550 is the exact amount it costs to apply for divorce so it's probably that. If it had been every month you would have known long before now, being as he pays his wages into your joint account.

Does he have children with his ex? A rather important piece of the puzzle

I also think 6 months is way too soon to move in with a separated man. I had a separated still to sort out divorce DP. I made it clear I had no intention of living with him for at least 5 years or until his divorce was finalized. He respected me for being honest.

Do they have children?

We are a mature couple and his kids are in their 30's. He wanted a joint account with me to show his commitment. He's lending money from a wealthy mate. His kids are orchestrating the monies but I know he's depositing it in her bank. He obviously feels bad and no I wouldn't like it hence it been concealed. I mean if she can't afford house now how will she after divorce? He's giving her all the house capital the lot due to pressure from the kids, he wants then on side so does what they want.

It’s none of your business how he chooses to remain involved with his kids,and if he continue to financially support them. It’s not like turning off a tap you don’t just stop wanting to be there.in his case he feels compelled to financially support his kids. Maybe they are manipulating him, maybe he’s buying their affectation and attention

It’s his Money, he doesn’t need your permission. In my opinion this why adults should maintain their own finances. So you don’t need permission or justification to spend your own money

He doesn’t have Kids with you so no mandatory financial responsibility

This isn't about his kids money it's about still showing commitment to his stbxw

So I’d suggest your relationship is fundamentally flawed. He lied when challenged
Separate your finances,get separate accounts.
This all sounds dreadfully fated to fail

He shouldn't have lied but his commitment to his wife (still married) maybe legal or moral.

If the divorce is happening then a financial agreement must be signed off. I assume he keeps pension and she has equity?

£6k p.a isn't too much and maybe time limited. Both of you should be in a relationship where this is openly discussed. You don't know the history of their marriage and assume they had a 30 plus year married.

If he is being fair to his wife then I think that shows him to be a good man.

2 years is no time at all so wait for a few more years before rushing finances.